fast-food

Attention, Gourmands: Taco Bell Is Upscale Now

Hamilton Nolan · 06/06/12 08:35AM

Hey guys, diners, everybody gather 'round please: change of plans for lunch today, and every day. Chipotle is OUT. Taco Bell's new "Cantina" menu is in. Because Taco Bell now has high quality upscale foohahahaha sorry, wait, hahahaha, wait. Sorry. I really tried to keep a straight face there.

Chicken or the Gays: Make a Choice About Eating Chick-fil-A

cord jefferson · 04/19/12 02:45PM

If they gave a Pulitzer Prize for waffling, this piece from the Washington City Paper last week might have won it. In it, food editor Chris Shott spends several hundred words pondering whether a person who is not a homophobe can in good conscience eat at Chick-fil-A, the Atlanta-based fast-food chain and purveyor of those dumbass cow ads. Chick-fil-A's nonprofit arm, the WinShape Foundation, has for years donated millions to anti-gay Christian groups like Focus on the Family, which once warned Americans, "[T]he homosexual agenda is a beast."

Ranch Dressing Is America's Only Condiment

Hamilton Nolan · 04/05/12 08:56AM

Unwrap your lips from your processed Cheez-Delivery Snack'm Tube-Brand Corn Snaxxx and pay attention, America. This is important. Sure, you've been doing your best to consume your annual 137-gallon allotment of high fructose corn syrup, and your 92 pounds of Cheez annually. But do your standard condiments contain a sufficient amount of saturated fat and artificial flavors? Or could you be doing more?

Japan Loves Pizza So Much

Hamilton Nolan · 04/03/12 09:09AM

In Japan, your average Domino's Pizza outlet has 50% higher sales than a U.S. outlet. Why? Because Japanese people are weird. From Ad Age:

McDonald's Assures Chinese: Our Food Is Not Poison

Hamilton Nolan · 02/29/12 03:17PM

China: the "Far East," where four thousand years of cultural evolution has culminated in a battle to see whether The Mighty P'zone™ or the Big N' Tasty™ will become the national meal of choice. McDonald's has an outside-the-box new advertising strategy to woo the wary Chinese: telling them that McDonald's food is not a monstrous blight upon the concept of dining.

People Don't Think McDonald's Has Good Food

Hamilton Nolan · 02/20/12 01:15PM

Huh, hmm, strange, inexplicable: although lots of people purchase food at McDonald's, it turns out that they don't think the food at McDonald's is very good. Buh, wha, guh, WTF? Explain, Ad Age:

Taco Bell Now Offering Morning Meal of Space Food and Semen Nuggets

Hamilton Nolan · 01/27/12 10:02AM

Taco Bell is not going to be serving breakfast. That would be gross. Taco Bell is serving First Meal. It's the meal that comes after Fourth Meal. It's a meal that you eat at about the same time that you would eat breakfast, but which bears no resemblance to the "food" that normal humans would consume, for "breakfast." Observe:

Which Companies Are Using Aborted Human Fetuses in Their Food?

Max Read · 01/25/12 06:12PM

Last week, Oklahoma State Senator Ralph Shortey introduced a bill that would ban "the manufacture or sale of food or products which use aborted human fetuses." But which foods or products use aborted human fetuses? Let's investigate.

Home Delivery of Fast Food Is the Inevitable Next Step

Hamilton Nolan · 01/17/12 11:15AM

When the topic of "What America really needs" comes up, one answer inevitably surfaces as a common refrain: less labor-intensive access to fast food. Your dream may soon come true, America.

Damn Canadians Are Winning the Coffee Cup Size War

Hamilton Nolan · 01/17/12 09:40AM

"Fuck you, Starbucks, you American pussies." That is what we imagine Canadian coffee and donut chain Tim Hortons to be anthropomorphically saying today, adding in an "Eh?" at the end in stereotypical sneering Canadian style. Are we going to sit around as some Canadian fucks have cups that hold a larger amount of coffee than ours do? Eh?