Recent laws have limited what fees banks are allowed to charge for certain services. So naturally, banks are dreaming up an entirely new set of fees on other services to make up for it. Below, a quick guide.

Famous asshole Steven Rattner, the ex-reporter, financier and auto czar, has settled for $10 million over a kickback scheme.

Looking for a way to experience the pleasures of buying and selling stocks, while also remaining compliant with Islamic law? Look no further than the Bombay Stock Exchange, which just opened an index composed solely of Shariah-compliant stocks.

The Way We Live Now: putting on the squeeze. The big squeeze, the main squeeze, the tight and juicy squeeze. If you're not squeezing, you're getting squeezed. And if you ain't got a bartender, the squeeze business can be rough.

Tonight, Jon Stewart opened The Daily Show with a segment about the recent deal in Congress, aided by President Obama, that extended the Bush-era tax cuts. Specifically, Stewart mocked Democrats and Obama for their hyperbolic vilification of Republicans. Watch inside.

Yesterday, Democrat and Republican lawmakers—guided by President Obama—reached a deal that extended tax cuts for all Americans (including the rich). Congress also agreed to continue its spending. Tonight, Jon Stewart pointed out the inherent incongruence of this.

Brace yourself for some shocking news: The feds are preparing "vast" insider trading charges against a slew of investment bankers, analysts and hedge fund executives. Included are some loose-lipped Goldman Sachs bankers who leaked health-care merger information to benefit investors.

Paul Greenwood has fallen on hard times. Convicted of a $553 million fraud last year, the former hedge fund manager has no choice but to auction his $1.9 million collection of antique teddy bears at Christie's. [Bloomberg, NYMag]

Law enforcement in the U.S. and Britain say they've nailed 80+ people for stealing millions of dollars from bank accounts using computer viruses. The group even had its own "money mules."

Barack Obama officially hired liberals' favorite consumer-protector, Harvard professor Elizabeth Warren, to his administration today. She wasn't nominated to head the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau as expected, just to advise the administration as it sets up the agency. Still, good!

Just as America's fragile economy was beginning to show signs of revival, investor confidence is flagging once again. This could mean what we all feared: a minor reduction in Wall Street employment.

Tonight, a freshly-shaved Jon Stewart talked about the fact that Republicans are simultaneously complaining about the nation's deficit and fighting to extend Bush's tax cuts (which, if ended, would reduce said deficit by 30%). Inside, video of the smackdown.

The Way We Live Now: in enslavement to repayment. Our salvation? Reparations. Or—damn it—at least a sandwich.

For 12 years, Henrietta Leung drew a $200,000 annual salary at HSBC and Credit Suisse. Laid off during the recession, she's currently exploring a new career path: exposing herself in softly lit photographs. She enjoys it greatly.

America's irresponsible pill-popping step parents on Wall Street are breaking up with the Democrats, for being mean to them. See all of those donations they gave you during the 2008 cycle, Democrats? Well now they're going to Republicans, harumph!

S&P is so slick! The credit-rating agency has comically put rival Moody's on its watch list for a downgrade, replete with a lecture about how reform legislation (that applies to both firms) will devastate Moody's, only. Oh, it's on now.

A Texas debt collection company had a unique style for reminder voicemails to one black customer. "This is your motherfucking wake-up call you little lazy ass bitch. Get your motherfucking nigger ass up and go pick some motherfucking cotton fields."

After Katrina there were tours of the devastated Ninth Ward. So it makes a kind of twisted sense that, according to Andrew Clark in the Guardian, tourists can now take a guided tour through the financial crisis on Wall Street.

Apple's market capitalization surpassed Microsoft's today. Only Exxon Mobil is larger, among public U.S. companies.

Buffett — who it is worth pointing out invested $5bn in Goldman at the height of the financial crisis — mounted what the WSJ call a "vigorous defense " of the company, saying he did not believe they had acted improperly.