I bitch and bitch about Game of Thrones' tell-don't-show policy, but when this show shuts the fuck up, cuts the shit of having its characters talk about interesting things that are happening elsewhere or in the past or in the future instead of actually portraying those things, and gives us real action to sink our teeth into, it all seems worth it. At least, that was the case on last night's episode, which featured the most gorgeous display of carnage (involving green wildfire that Tyrion procured to fend off Stannis Baratheon's attack on King's Landing) I've ever seen on television.

Warning: Whore.

Warning: Period.

Badass Game of Thrones star Sean Bean was arrested for doing something decidedly un-badass: harassing his ex-wife with texts and phone calls. The actor was taken into custody by Scotland Yard for allegedly flooding fourth-wife Georgina Sutcliffe's phone with mean messages.

Warning: Gore above.

Warning: Spoilers (if you consider talking about something that aired over 12 hours ago "spoiling it," which I don't, but whatever, it's a free country).

(Watch out, the clip above is NSFW if your job doesn't allow you to look at tits. If that's the case, you should probably quit, though.)

We've seen incest, rape and multi-position fucking with someone of questionable mental fitness, but thus far Game of Thrones has avoided gay intimacy. There was one scene last season where America's Next Top Throne Claimer Renly (played by the increasingly delectable Gethin Anthony) was shaved by his wife's brother, Loras, which culminated in an implied blowjob. And then last night, there was the failure to launch that you see above, with Loras getting all pissy over Renly making Brienne of Tarth a member of the King's Guard after she defeated Loras in a tussle. Blah blah blah blah Tarth. Keep the politics out of the bedroom, boys. The whole point of sex is that it lets you take your mind off of your ambition to rule (and serve the ruler) of your mythical pseudo medieval fairyworld. You become the master of your own private fairyworld, especially if you are gay.

HBO's Game of Thrones has a lot of nudity in it, sometimes that nudity seems completely gratuitous and unnecessary. Last night, Saturday Night Live proposed a theory as to why that is.

The dialogue Peter Dinklage is given in Game of Thrones is so disproportionately rich and witty that I wonder if his castmates are jealous. It almost seems karmic to make someone from an underrepresented minority a show's star and most likable character. It's kind of like Disney World, where the disabled get a chance to have their day of priority (they zip to the front of lines with the speed that not even a Fastpass affords). But Tyrion's position isn't a matter of affirmative action: the brilliant thing about the character is that there's logic behind his sharpness, both in terms of physical survival and the assertion of his own existence. You can see in the reel above that his increasingly campy sister, Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey), blames him for killing their mother (she died in his childbirth). She obviously always has, and a man can even crumble under that stigma or use it to be great. For Tyrion, it's the latter.

Season 2 of Game of Thrones premiered on HBO last night, which means that Peter Dinklage can bring back sunshine to our lives. Even if the actor were half as charming, his Tyrion would still steal the show by virtue of his ability to cut through its pervasive bleakness and get to the driest of dry comic relief.

It's not an April Fools' Day joke. Joffery's cruelty and resulting bitchslaps, Tyrion's lusting and scheming, the Master of Whispers' whisperings—all of this and more is coming back to HBO this Sunday, April 1 at 9 PM, when Season 2 of the Emmy®-winning Game of Thrones returns.

Did you guys watch Luck on HBO last night? Did you fall asleep like I did? Well, if you tuned in you saw the most exciting thing before the show even started: a new trailer for Game of Thrones.

Every single television critic has written their "10 Best of 2011" article and it's all, "Oooh, Breaking Bad." "Let's hear it for Community." "Friday Night Lights should never leave!" "Do you love Louie? I love Louie. You should love LOUIE!" Fuck them! All their damn lists are the same year after year. Here are some of the other things that happened on television when the critics were playing Ookie Cookie with each other.

Your favorite blood bath will continue on into the new year. Also today: Bobby Cannavale goes to the hospital, Jane Kaczmarek gets a gig, and Roseanne Barr might be coming back.

Scott Wolf's girlfriend is getting into the escort scene. Also today: Game of Thrones casting news, a terrible idea for a remake, and Kevin Bacon has a face for radio and TV.

TV's favorite sexy uncle (ew? ew) is getting back in the leading man saddle. Also today: good news for Ana Gasteyer, godly news for Miley Cyrus, and Game of Thrones news for the rest of us dorks.

Everyone's favorite '90s villainess will soon be back on your TV. Be afraid! Also today: Someone's already upset with The X Factor, a Mormon book becomes a Mormon movie, and the strangest person is going to play the devil.

For the second time, a movie adaptation of the classic book serial has fallen apart. Also today: Law & Order rips from a new headline, Helen Mirren pinch hits, and some exciting Game of Thrones news.

You can't say the Emmy nominations are ever shocking, but there were a few delightful surprises this morning when they were announced. All the usual suspects got nods, but a host of new shows cracked into the competition.