• Yesterday, we watched Britney cry to Matt Lauer that celebrities "are people, too!" Today, we learn that she changed her baby's diaper on the FLOOR next to a cash register at Victoria's Secret. This pretty much clears up any confusion about whether or not Britney's a person — she's not even a primate. Where the hell is the manny when this stuff happens? [Us Weekly]
• The battle of Paris and Lindsay continues: Hilton tries to pick a fight with Lohan, Lohan takes the high road and walks away, Hilton responds by performing a striptease for Eli Manning. [Page Six]
• An Us Weekly reporter gets pepper-sprayed by security when trying to get pics of Oliver Hudson's weekend wedding. Seems like quite a length to go for Goldie Hawn's other kid. [R&M (last item)]
• Keith Olbermann says Rita Cosby is "dumber than a suitcase full of rocks." Suspiciously masculine rocks, that is. [Lowdown]
• Liza Minelli's estranged, plasticine husband David Gest is accused of sexually harrassing his personal assistant, grabbing his jingly bits and punctuating orders with dirty talk. If true, Gest deserves every beating Liza ever gave him. [Page Six]
• Nick Lachey hooks up with MTV's Vanessa Minnillo, ensuring that Jessica Simpson will never again grace the set of TRL. [Scoop]
• For Michael Jackson, the proceeds from his Katrina charity single will go to straight to his pocket. After all, someone's gotta pay for his new earlobe. [Fox411]

In some sincerely nauseating news from this weekend, gay singer Kevin Aviance was violently beaten late Friday night (or very early Saturday morning, if you prefer) on his way home in the East Village. Four men, ranging in ages from 16 to 20, have been arrested in connection to the incident and charged with first-degree assault as a hate crime.

New Out editor Aaron Hicklin has a mantra for the magazine: "Let's be Bowie gay, not Cher gay."

• Two mannequins, decked out in rainbows and placed next to a gay pride events calendar, are removed the windows of a Boston Macy's after an organized campaign of complaints. Seriously? In 2006? Is this really happening? [Consumerist]
• A journalist tells of how Russell Crowe befriended him and tried to make him into his "stooge." We'd tell you more, but it's 13 fucking pages long and we didn't get very far. [SMH]
• Unsurprisingly, the managing director of Cristal is less than thrilled with the brand's association with blingy rappers. [AllHipHop]
• For your enjoyment, one man's compelling crusade to rescue his lady's Sidekick, left in a taxi, from a young girl who refuses to return it. We've all kind of been there, but we doubt many of you have taken it this far. [EvanWasHere]
• So if we were to express how we'd like to wrap W. in plastic tarp and flog him in the face with a dead monkey's diaper, what would happen to us? [Harper's]
• TiVo will be launching a service to bring web video to television sets — so you NEVER GET AWAY FROM THE INTERNET. [WSJ]

• For those of you who think Gawker hates everything, we present the picture at right. As of this moment, we fucking love it more than anything in our otherwise empty lives. The nipple-grazing waistband, the faint suggestion of his package, snug like an Almond Joy... Yes, Matt Lauer, you have made our day. God bless. [The Daily]
• Heather Mills. Hardcore German porn. We've no idea where to even begin with this. [Sun UK]
• It's Gawker Stalker for the Sperry Topsider set: Yachtspotter, with which users track the locations of the world's most ostentatious, luxury battleships. Go forth and find thee a Diddy. [Yachtspotter]
• In other stalking news, there's great development for those obsessives who prefer to use MySpace to stalk the object of their desire. SingleStat.us notifies you when your crush's relationship status goes to single. 14-year-olds the world over rejoice. [TechCrunch]
• A groom from the Observer's Bridal Blog learns that newlyweds are not celebrities, and therefore they shall not receive swag. [NPR]
• Gay Pride comes to Queens, and the queens do celebrate. It's a modest parade, sadly, with no spectacular asscheeks to speak of. [Manhattan Offender]

• Is this man the Julio who Anderson Cooper keeps so very near and dear to his heart/pants? We can't confirm, but he certainly looks tailored to Anderson's rumored tastes. And he's only 25, which means he's obedient. [Eff Anderson]
• If you want to verify the status of his lover, you could just ask Anderson himself: he'll be doing a signing on June 19th at noon at the Shops at Columbus Circle, third floor. Clear your schedules now.
• Rachel Weisz gives birth to a baby boy, and absolutely no one gives a fuck. [Us Weekly]
• Josh Hartnett will give you $500 to use your "funky" LES apartment for a photo shoot. Like you wouldn't just do that for free. [Curbed]
• If Manhattan were Chicago, we'd all be a little more fat. [Kottke]
• And in other LES news, it would seem that Jay McInerney's therapist works dangerously close to Fat Baby. [H&G via Eater]
• As of the time of this posting, Greg Gutfeld is leading the poll for best HuffPo contributor by a single vote. Granted, it's actually the only vote, but he's a winner nonetheless! [BigMediaBlog]
• To celebrate the birth of her first biological daughter, Angelina Jolie's lawyers buy baby Shiloh her very own domain name. Beats a silver Tiffany rattle any day. [Defamer]
• Meanwhile, Angelina gets her own verb. To Jolie: to leave your girlfriend for another woman who was supposedly just your friend. As in, "The fucker Jolie'd me." [ONY]

We already knew that Barbara Corcoran, the teeth-gnashing doyenne of overpriced real estate, is cool when it comes to the web — her professional website has its own goofy little blog (written by some peon), which is kind of adorable. What we didn't know was that the CorcoDevil was so relaxed and hip to the 'net that she even allows her brokers to list the company website on their Big Muscle Bears profile.

• Charlie Gibson scores the ABC anchor spot, leaving poor Diane Sawyer high and dry.
• Let's put it this way: Would you want to go sit at Jared Paul Stern's old desk?
• Anderson goes on Oprah, bores us. But he was adorable on an old World News Now. And she's obsessed with death.
• You will not get to go to Africa with Nick Kristof.
• Breaking news: New Yorkers go to gyms! Even Adam Moss and Mr. Big.
• All hail Le Cirque, or so says the Wednesday media club.
• Neither the Clintons nor Shock magazine are very shocking, though the later is a guilty pleasure.
• Gay gay gay. Gay.
• Another gossip type, another book party. Make that two.
• America, this old man is your Idol. And Alessandra will do her best to tell you about it.
• West Chelsea gets even worse.
• The Fifth Avenue Apple store has been open for one full week now. Has your head exploded yet?
• And it's Memorial Day weekend. See you Tuesday.

Jordan Catalono of Thirty Seconds to Mars had an IM interview with AOL Music yesterday; when pressed about what it was like to work with Lindsay Lohan in Chapter 27, it prompted a confession of sorts:

Tonight is a big night for fans of bad pop music and Ryan Seacrest: it's the American Idol finale, in which one lucky soul will be chosen by the American people to enjoy approximately 12 minutes of fame and 12 years of performing in shopping malls. Idol's Gay golden calf, Clay Aiken, isn't necessarily appearing tonight — but if he does, his boyfriend won't be the only one with a gag. A reader writes:

• The cameras of TMZ.com never rest: last week they caught Brandon Davis waxing philosophical on the nature of Lindsay Lohan's crotch, this week they document the LA nightlife backlash as a woman screams at him to take a shower and derides him for getting his money "from daddy." As if that's an insult? [TMZ]
• Former New Jersey governor and proud 'mo Jim McGreevy reads excerpts from his new book, an erotic tale of his anonymous rest stop hookups. [Star-Ledger]
• Quote of the day, courtesy of Ghostface Killa: "New York be bullshitting. Right now, I say fuck New York. Yeah, I'm from New York, but fuck New York. Because niggas is pussy." [Prefix]
• In live theater, distracting the actors just might get you backstage, where you can confuse David Schwimmer and piss off Zeljko Ivanek. [BroadwayWorld]
• Life imitates art, at least if you're a Sopranos fan: the body of a man who'd been beaten to death was found behind the Cafe Bada Bing. [NYT]
• As Memorial Day weekend draws near, the four horsemen of the Hamptons apocalypse prepare to open their doors to thousands of devoted Wet Seal fans. [NYM]
• A bird flu awareness night in Newark is marked by a chicken wing eating contest. In Jersey, the jokes just write themselves. [Newark Bears]

Flipping idly through the current, Christina Aguilera issue of GQ and landing on, say, page 56 prompts a deep philosophical question. Is a lush, two-page spread on the stylish choices in dog collars ("If your dog is rough around the edges like this boxer, refine his look with stripes") a sign of overwhelming, late-Rome decadence? Or is it simply more proof that, yes, GQ is the gayest magazine in existence?

• Paul McCartney and his second wife, Heather Mills, have announced that they're getting divorced after a whopping 4 years. Naturally, the media is to blame, having made it difficult for the couple to maintain a "normal" relationship. Way to make us into Yoko. [Reuters]
• Conversely, Nicole Kidman finally confirms that she and Keith Urban are engaged. In her second shot at marriage, Kidman will presumably get laid. [People]
• In the June issue of GQ, Christina Aguilera tells of an unpleasant interaction with a drunken Mariah Carey. Aguilera's sympathetic, though — she knows Carey's all doped up. [Page Six]
• The Oakland A's lose to the Yankees because of a waitress named Charity, who got Nick Swisher and Joe Blanton sufficiently wasted at Plumm the night before the game. [R&M]
• Denis Leary tells Elle that he'd rather shoot himself in the head than sleep with another man. That's fine — Chelsea doesn't need you anyhow! [Lowdown (last item)]
• OK: Keith Richards is fucking amazing. After a brain hemorrhage, he rebounds enough to resume touring with the Rolling Stones. Nothing can kill this man. [Page Six]

• Though we spent all morning weeping for the beacon of bad parenting that is Britney Spears, we might now be able to dry our eyes. Turns out, she was doing nothing wrong — other than going out in curlers. [Jalopnik]
• Original Survivor Richard Hatch gets 51 months in jail for failing to pay taxes on his earnings. Lucky for him, the naked shtick will earn him all sorts of friends in prison. [TaxProf]
• David Patrick Columbia has an interesting blind item about a jet-setting socialite; even more than her identity, we'd love to know the name of the magazine editor who bends to her will. [NYSD]
• Happy birthday, Tucker Carlson! That makes 38 long years of douchebaggery, and many more to come. [Jossip]
• Meet the Popper Monster, the worst gay man to ever hit the dance floor. Also, he's probably your stockbroker. [Manhattan Offender]
• Only in New York would 39 gays assume we already have a gay newscaster on air. [NYM]
• Tragically, hipsters face discrimination from non-hipsters who happen to just look like hipsters. [YouTube]
• We didn't know it was even possible, but Pete Doherty continues to test the laws of the universe, growing more fucked up by the day. [Witz]

Click to enlarge.

Mr. Black, the Noho basement bar for all your gay dance party needs, has a resident Ass. More specifically, the Ass is that of their cocktail waiter, whose buttocks flap freely in the humid night. Bare cheeks in a gay bar, big whoop. But a photoblog documenting the nightly activities of the Ass? Portraits of the Ass posing with drunken, scary clown-faced patrons? Regular Friday night coverage of the Ass reveling in its Ass-yness? Yes, it's certainly something we can get behind.

• Amongst bad-guy PI Anthony Pellicano's tapes are recordings of phone calls from Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, reports Vanity Fair. In one, Kidman jokes to a friend, "So, Tom, are you listening Tom? Am I saying what what you want me to say?" Well, that choice bit should clear up any questions about Cruises "marriage" deals. [R&M]
• It's official: Nothing is ever good in Teri Hatcher's world. Yesterday a lightbulb exploded on the set of Desperate Housewives, leaving the star with an eyepatch after having to have a shard of glass removed from her eye. Maybe Clooney should send her some flowers. [IMDb]
• Just weeks after having her second child, Gwyneth Paltrow emerges looking "slimmer than ever." Kill at will, ladies. [Lowdown]
• The Paris Hilton doppelganger isn't that good at her game — she was ejected and banned from Stereo after trying to squeeze herself between Axl Rose and Stephon Marbury. [Page Six]
• Calvin and Kelly Klein finalize their divorce, and it only took them 10 years of separation to do so. Calvin's probably treating himself to a celebratory cabana boy right now. [Page Six]

A headline from the new Details, out today:

And oh, how the Gays shall celebrate:

We're going to venture ever-so-slightly off our beaten path and, for just a moment, talk about fashion choices amongst popular figures in the gay community. Specifically, we're really feeling what John Cameron Mitchell, the doll behind Hedwig and the Angry Inch, has been doing with his wardrobe for the past few years. He may know how to be one bold tranny, but when it's all business, Mitchell also knows how to work the fashion rules — find a look that works and stick with it, darling.