• Best actor loser Joaquin Phoenix is looking for a loft in Tribeca. Considering the dude's two twitches short of a breakdown, we think this could be a lot of fun. [Page Six]
• New York Oscar parties kind of suck when all the good people are actually at the Oscars instead. [Gatecrasher]
• Inspired, no doubt, by the butt-clenching success of Jake Gyllenhaal and Heat Ledger, Brad Pitt considers going Gay for an upcoming role. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Upon learning that the gift bags at a luncheon contain a $1000 diamond bracelet, Jersey girl Tara Reid swipes as many as she can. Life after Taradise ain't easy. [Page Six]
• Warren Beatty grills Lloyd Grove about his lovelife. [Lowdown]
• Jessica Simpson thinks the whole world is out to get her. Paranoia is so sexy, no? [Scoop]

In its continuing quest for legitimate "sixth borough" status, the Philadelphia Daily News (the "People's Paper," as it were) embraces its Fagadelphia side and lets the splashy gay puns fly. Low-carb cheesesteaks and scrapple frittatas are soon to become Old City staples. Yes, that's it — they'll paint the place so gay that New York City will have to let 'em in.

You can't help but be a little proud of Matt Drudge for this one. It's just past 9 AM and he's already managed to nail a thematic money shot. The masculine backside and America — that we expected. But the plastic? So naughty! We're pleasantly surprised at this little reveal; you let your freak flag fly all over that red carpet, big guy.

Click to enlarge.

Sad, but true. The poor things are limping all over the place.

We've seen gay porn with less man-on-man action.

• Finally, an explanation as to why Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston: She was an underminer ("the best friend who casually destroys your life," as per the book of the same name). As her former roommate Nancy Balbirer reveals, Aniston advised her to be "more fuckable" and buy chicken cutlets to stuff her bra. In Aniston's defense, only a true friend would tell you to be a better whore. [Lowdown]
• An associate of LA nightlife's grand dame Amanda Scheer-Demme accuses rival promoter Brent Bolthouse of "selling out to the Jew." Well, that is the only way to get ahead in Hollywood. [Page Six]
• Clint Eastwood's son may be a real-life Gay Cowboy. [R&M]
• Clay Aiken fans file a formal complaint with the FTC after realizing that the American Idol runner-up was falsely marketed as anything but a big 'mo. [Page Six]
• Don't believe the Brangelina gift registry at Tiffany's — there's no way they'd have you spend your money when you could be using it to feed a one-legged Haitian orphan. [Jossip]
• NB to all gossips: chubby doesn't mean pregnant. [Scoop]

If you're anything like us, you often wonder what magazines have the gayest readerships. Thankfully, Fairchild's DNR got hold of the research this week, and it told us. (On Monday. None of you saw this and could pass it on before now? Jesus, people.)

The front page of today's Times sports section carries news of the hottest Olympics party in Turin (or are we calling it Torino around here?), at the Russia House. And of course there's no better way to prove a venue's hotness than to demonstrate how much the hottest athletes in town enjoy it:

Auditioning your Nerve.com dates just got a lot easier, thanks to a new book that claims to reveal aspects of an individual's personality based on their food preferences. Another thing to overanalyze — just what single New Yorkers need. The Post advises ladies:

When buying on Amazon.com, it's interesting to see what other shoppers bought along with your item of choice. It would seem that users who inexplicably purchased Star Jones Reynolds' life-and-love book Shine also bought the tearjerker memoir written by the mother of murder victim Laci Peterson, a pairing so frequent that it has prompted Amazon to market a package deal.

• It was an emotional week for all of us: Life & Style declared the death of TomKat. As we try to wrap our heads around the implications of such heartbreak, it's important to keep some historical perspective.
• Meanwhile, we were faced with Us Weekly's gut-wrenching claim that Jessica Simpson is a ho, having cheated on Nick Lachey with Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine. Star calls bullshit on the scoop, because it's only true if your magazine breaks it first.
• The evils of pop culture know no limit: Meet the sex tape from Kid Rock and Scott Stapp.
• Budget Living is going, going, and, sadly, gone.
• But, as there's no justice in this world, Shop, Etc. continues to thrive.
• We fall in love with faggy Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir, only to have him break our hearts.
• Time Inc. finally ends the bloodshed, but we've yet to get the names of layoff victims.
• The people have spoken: the Funny Pages are not funny, nor have they ever been.
• First JT Leroy; now, possibly, Pete Doherty. Are all our antiheroes just a skeezy mirage?

Reuters, on the other hand, prefers to call him "flamboyant."

• Jessica Simpson's flack Rob Shuter denies that Simpson and Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine are a couple, and he will continue to make such denials until Simpson hooks a sweet deal to confess her sins to Diane Sawyer. [Lowdown]
• Naomi Campbell destroys another assistant after the two have a screaming match on a British Airways flight. Thankfully, the falling-out was nonviolent and no phones were harmed in the incident. [Page Six]
• Desperate to secure his lock for Best Actor, Phillip Seymour Hoffman reveals his past drug and alcohol problems. Unfortunately, by talking about how he's now clean and sober, he just alienated at least 2/3 of the Academy. [IMDb]
• The Kid Rock sex tape is apparently from six years ago, which would explain why any stripper would deign to touch co-star Scott Stapp. [R&M]
• The Gay Mafia shares dining space with Mike Ovitz at Blue Hill; alas, the former agent didn't end up in any cement blocks. [Page Six]

Interestingly, the headline has since changed — probably because editors realized that the "flaming out" had nothing to do with Weir's actual performance.

• Aren't we long overdue for a nasty celebrity sex tape? Sure, we just had Colin Farrell's taped tryst, but that was actually kind of hot. How about something to make us vomit? A video of Kid Rock and Scott Stapp engaging in some group play with the ladies would work. [Us Weekly]
• Courtney Love finally sells her Crosby Street loft; the last reported asking price was $5.25 million. And just like that, she's left us forever. [Page Six]
• Clay Aiken continues to cruise Manhunt.com for hookups, offering to reveal his identity via webcam. We can only dream of being so lucky. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Coldwell Banker broker Jason Lewis sells a chunk of record-setting NYC snow on eBay. We're sorry, but is the real estate market just not making you rich enough these days? [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Paris Hilton uses up another Greek shipping heir, as beau Stavros Niarchos has reportedly left her. Now we can only wait, trembling with fear and anticipation, to see who she fucks next. [Page Six]
• Thankfully, Prince will remain unharmed by Paris' claws. [Scoop]

Yesterday we declared our love for Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir, who is so utterly gay and flamboyant and inappropriate that we had no choice but to make him an honorary New Yorker. Sensing our need for more, a reader sends along a MySpace profile purportedly belonging Weir. We've no idea if it's authentic but, judging from Christina Aguilera references alone, the page certainly seems to be created by the man himself. With that in mind, we're thrilled with the information presented in "Johnny's Details:" he's Jewish and bisexual. Everybody wins!

From — where else? — today's Thursday Styles:

• For those of you hungering for an update on Star Wars Fight Club — the creation of a Staten Island bus driver who encouraged students to use scissors at light sabers and earn nicknames like Darth and Sith Warrior — we've got some bad news: It seems that Lord Matt, one of the best fighters on the starship Death Cheese, has been grounded by his parents. [NYDN]
• Maybe an hour after it's reported that when he shot his friend in the face, Vice-President Cheney was throwing back a few cans of Natty Light, the comment is removed from the story. We love the First Amendment, don't you? [Thought Crimes]
• PETA dumps flour on Paris Hilton as she opens Julien Macdonald's show at London Fashion Week. Uh, pictures? Anyone? Please? [BBC]
• Battle of the bloggers' cute homodogs: Ollie's beagle vs. Andrew Sullivan's pup. [Boozhy]
• Viva Long Island. [Clublife]
• Notes from the Norfolk, Virginia, Substance Abuse Services Providers Fair 2006, Waterside Convention Center. [YPR]
• Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people's medicine for fuel. And when they grab you with those metal claws, you can't break free...because they're made of metal, and robots are strong. [Sploid]

Is there anyone better to represent America than figure skater Johnny Weir? We think not. The man describes himself as "princessy," applies self-tanner before performances, compares the competition to a "shot-of-vodka-and-a-snort-of-coke kind of thing," and skates wearing a single red glove named "Camille." Hell, his home club is the Skating Club of New York, which is based out of Chelsea piers. As far as we're concerned, Weir's got enough fagulous pluses in his column to make him an honorary New Yorker.