The image at right (click to enlarge) is not, as you may suspect, the backpage porn typical of our city's free weeklies — despite being from the New York Blade. It's really a simple advertisement for a Vespa store in Queens.

From the mailbag:

The flacks at Maloney & Fox are not, we're sure they're heartbroken to learn, the first to stage a major Cornhole tourney. A reader who loves him some Cornhole sends along this pic from a recent trip to Ohio:

The Gays over at Queerty have an amusing interview with the Village Voice's resident bicycle mechanic and gossip slut Michael Musto:

An actual press release sent to actual reporters by an actual PR firm earlier today:

[via MSNBC]

A new study surveying the television preferences of 19,000 Gays has resulted in some SHOCKING DATA: Lesbians like the Golden Girls and Spike TV. The L Word just doesn't do it for these ladies; Floridian retirees and jockstrap programming hits their collective G-spot. Not that we're surprised, especially regarding the Girls: Blanche Devereaux in that flowing silk robe and the beautifully masculine Bea Arthur are rather irresistable.

An item on NYTimes.com this morning:

Sad thought it is, we knew an Anderson Cooper backlash would begin soon enough.

So some poor socialite by the name of J. David Enright IV is actually suing the Catholic Church for $5 million dollars, claiming that his molestation by a priest when he was seven led to him being gay. Now, contrary to the slew of jokes we often make to our Catholic friends, there's absolutely nothing funny about a priest taking advantage of a seven-year-old boy. Nor is there anything remotely comedic about that boy growing into a man who, over 40 years later, is still dealing with the trauma.

What's the only thing more secondhand-embarrassing than a disturbingly stylized W mag photo spread of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie playing house? Easy: A disturbingly stylized W mag photo spread of former Gucci dom Tom Ford lying naked in bed with women.

Mayor Bloomberg has, according to the Post, hired Brian Ellner, failed candidate for Manhattan borough president, as his reelection campaign's token homosexual. You remember Brian, right? His campaign revolved around a) not being George Bush, and b) being, instead, the gayest gay in gaytown. And he created the only memorable commercial of the campaign: "I'm Brian Ellner and this is my partner, Simon," he says, as he pulls Simon into the frame long enough to hammer home that whole gay thing, but not long enough for Simon to, you know, say anything. And as liaison to the gay community for Mayor Bloomberg, Ellner himself can now expect similar treatment.

Attention prospective gentleman callers on Ms. Lauren Green: Contrary to popular belief, the Fox & Friends anchor ain't a lez. What a shame, too, because when lilywhite FOX correspondent James Rosen gushingly tried to play matchmaker with Green and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, we saw UPN midseason replacement written all over that thing. Alas, not all urbane, black conservative women are chowing one another's boxes:

Oh, sweet Jesus. Not that, anything but that! HARRIET MIERS ISN'T COMPLETELY EVIL AND OMG SHE RESPECTS HUMAN BEINGS AND IT'S ALL OVER IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD WHATEVER WILL WE DO NOW AND OH IT BURNS, IT BURNS...

• In the video for Lindsay Lohan's next single, Confessions of a Broken Heart, watch for lots of ripped-from-the-headlines spousal feuds and tearful rosary-clutching. And to think people say the girl can't act. [R&M (3rd item)]
• Splash News photo agency is suing OK! sister publications the Sun and the Express for 5 months' worth of unpaid fees. Surely Splash understands that when millions are being spent on fuzzy pictures of what may or may not be the Federletus, paparazzi bills are going to have to wait. [Page Six]
• CBS News president Andrew Heyward's contract is reportedly up this year, and chances of renewal are looking slim. Feign surprise, we dare you. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• While NYU grapples with the loss of prized student Mary-Kate Olsen, we can all take solace in knowing her presence may be replaced with that of actress Amanda Bynes. [Scoop (2nd item)]
• Did Renée Zellwegger leave Kenny Chesney because of her romance with folk rocker Damien Rice? And can she maybe stop fucking musicians long enough to sign the divorce papers? [Page Six]
• Bad news for The Gays: The 2006 FDNY calendar just might be the last. [Gatecrasher]

• Times reporter Judith Miller is finally released from jail, coming home to an awkward office party with cake and ice cream.
• Network morning shows compete for ratings and saved seats in heaven.
• Jon Stewart gives his two cents — and then some — on the squalid state of magazines.
• Conde Nast and Fairchild start to sleep in the same bed, Details finds itself but not its readers, and Vitals is anything but.
• Anti-everything novelist Jonathan Franzen tries to destroy any remaining hope you might have for creative literature.
• Comments get fiery over the sexuality of CNN's Anderson Cooper; we lose sleep over the implication of being a "power bottom."
• Predictably, coked-up supermodel Kate Moss enters rehab.
• And, last but certainly not least, New Yorkers are screwed when it comes to emergency management.

• Confessions of a (granted, emergency-landing-surviving) media whore. [NYO]
• Bossman Denton cruises the Jersey Turnpike on a bathwater-powered scooter, apparently. Also, he has a large head. [NYO]
• Nonfamous writer Matt Haber's past was pillaged by adorable and now-famous writer Benjamin Kunkel, and Haber'll be damned if you don't know about it. [NYO]
• Dan Rather wants to revisit Bush National Guard story; CBS brass won't let him. We await Public Eye's take, presumably that spirited debate is a good thing. [NYP]
• A day in the life of Us editor Janice Min — in which no one cares about Britney's baby. [asap/AP]
• Geraldo won't sue Times, but his feelings are still hurt. [NYP]
• Washington Blade launches a "gay Romenesko" site. We always thought that was us. [E&P]
• Turns out, SCOTUS nominee Roberts might not hate the press as much as the Times thought. Which still doesn't mean he likes it. [NYT]
• Sly gets up off the mat. [WWD]

We have no idea what they're writing about today — sports? rivalries? gay marriage? bear culture? — but we realize: We really ought to be reading Boston alt-weeklies more often.

The new Details is out, and — who'd have thunk it — it's the mag's fifth anniversary issue. Well, it's not the fifth anniversary of the magazine, exactly, but the fifth anniversary of this iteration of the magazine. And it seems like just yesterday this version was born. Where does time go?

Having trouble keeping track of New York's intermittently homosexual, bed-hopping (floe-hopping, maybe?) penguin population? We were, too. So thanks much to the reader with a copy of Quark and much too much time on his or her hands, who sent in this handy guide: