After proving she had little to contribute to the film or starfucking industries, Jessica Simpson finally realized she should keep her pretty-but-pretty-dumb mouth shut for the time being and instead let her t-shirts do the talking, angering PETA in the process. Though the feisty baby seal saviors have their fair share of enemies, they've also impressively managed to get celebrity spokespeople like Alec Baldwin and Eva Mendes to embarrass themselves in public by demanding the public do drugs (Baldwin) or taking off their clothes in the name of fur (Mendes). So naturally, Simpson's public cry for attention irked PETA's most compassionate celebrity nudist, Pamela Anderson, who called her fellow talent-challenged blonde "a bitch and whore" on a radio show. But this is far from the first time Jessica has ruffled another starlet's feathers just by being Jessica. We took a look back at the many ways Simpson has made herself a household name not by selling records or movie tickets, but by starring in her own personal Catfights franchise.

Only a week after our careful study of the Olsen Twins’ trademark Prune faces, clever little Mary-Kate Olsen pulled a fast one on us at last night’s screening for her new film The Wackness: the minx bore actual teeth for photographers, pose after forced pose. And even though it looks like putting on a smile in public is taking every last bit of effort and strength MK's tiny body can muster, the acrobatically trained twin has admittedly perfect chompers. Why she’s been holding back on us remains a mystery, but what doesn’t is where Olsen would rank on yesterday’s roundup of celebrity make-out partners. Her 64-year old Wackness co-star Ben Kingsley clued interested parties in on the talents Mary-Kate’s de-pruned grin is capable of, after the jump.

We've already heard enough stars insisting that those sex scenes we find either major turn-ons (Mickey Rourke force-feeding Kim Basinger strawberries on the kitchen floor in 9 1/2 Weeks) or majorly eye-scarring (Heather Graham faking her way through grainy limo thrusts in Boogie Nights) are totally perfunctory while filming. With the massive crew surrounding them, the sudden lighting checks, and simple fact that they've gotta feign spontaneous heat take after take, we've leaned towards taking their word for it. And as it turns out, no matter how big the star or legendary their prowess in the bedroom, even simple kissing scenes with the most gorgeous A-listers around range from "awkward and sweaty" to "slightly icky and sort of wet." Where Tom Cruise, Angelina Jolie, Harrison Ford, Leonardo DiCaprio and more rank on the list of Worst On-Screen Kissers after the jump.

After a long intro confirming both her stoner-film creds and her susceptibility to Mary-Kate Olsen's fashion influence, a new profile of actress Olivia Thirlby eventually got to the real news: Jack and Diane, Thirlby's long-gestating teen-lesbian-werewolf reunion with her Juno pal Ellen Page, will not be coming soon to a theater near you. We know, we know — a true shocker, but as Thirlby alludes, it's the kind of tough call that a young, sexually ambiguous Oscar-nominee just has to make:

One of the only good things to come out of this year's The Other Boleyn Girl was a tough lesson in public relations for young actresses. As leading ladies Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson took their quasi-lesbian chic press tour from S&M magazine covers to poufy-lipped faux-kisses on red carpets, the period piece will sadly be remembered only for those posters shoving Scarlett’s mushy cleavage in America’s collective face. But the British version of Nat/ScarJo is still trying ever so hard to emulate the strategy, getting cheeky at film festivals, hugging one another just this shy of arousingly, and yes, even copying the original pair’s near-miss-kiss in public. Some visual examples, and why this admittedly less voluptuous and curvy duo may succeed where the corset-strapped Boleyns failed, after the jump.

Naturally we're delighted to see Jennifer Aniston's name in the news without any mention of her lesser half John Mayer, but unfortunately the actress' latest stunt does not include bikinis, Brad, or boy toy upgrades. In case you'd forgotten, the flower-scented B.O. phenom that is SATC: The Movie is being closely followed by another chick flick packed with A-Listers called He's Just Not That Into You. Aniston rounds out the female cast alongside Drew Barrymore, Ginnifer Goodwin, Jennifer Connelly and Scarlett Johansson. But according to Life & Style, Aniston took the very low road at a recent cover shoot for Marie Claire, insisting one of the ladies above be banned from the photo, making room for Aniston's widely seen curves to take front and center. Which co-star was allegedly instructed to leave the set, and whether or not Aniston's orders mean anything these days, after the jump.

Coming in at number two right after Lesbian Chic on the list of 2008's hottest celebrity trends is the slim fast phenomenon sweeping the pounds off Catherine Zeta-Jones' ass, Britney Spears' arms, and pretty much every inch of co-starvation partners Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham. But of course, when Queen of Female Mind Control Oprah Winfrey puts in her two cents on the dieting front, every housewife and Oprah wannabe begins taking dutiful notes on how exactly she'll take a few pounds off this time around. And according to a piece in the NY Daily News, Detox is the word. From Gwyneth and Beyonce to Ralph Fiennes and Vince Vaughn, these four varieties of temporary "cleansing" yourself are the current diet du jour. And of course, the question is: does it work? And more importantly, is giving up our nightly vino and succumbing to regular colonics worth looking like a lollipop head? Which celebrities are using which method, and visual evidence of their results, if any, after the jump.

Love them or hate them, the magical millionaire pixies that are the Olsen Twins have at least one confirmed talent: perfecting their trademark pose for the paparazzi. And unlike Keira Knightley’s "Don’t Hate Me Because I’m So Rich, Thin And Beautiful" pout or Lindsay Lohan’s dilated tipsy face (often accompanied by props like neon bras and knives!), the Olsens allegedly use a tactic called The Prune. We highly doubt we’re the only ones who’ve noticed the duo’s matching facial contortion on red carpets in which their doll-sized lips purse and their cheekbones struggle to break free from nicotine-drenched skin. Their secret? As a source tells OK!, “Every time they pose and smile, they say the word ‘prune.’” Genius! Examples of the sometimes-flattering, sometimes-horrifying technique, presented in our favorite Tipsy Face Bingo format, after the jump.

What appears to be a very highbrow and British tale about the split between Atonement director Joe Wright and his (now ex) fiancée, the strawberry blonde stunner Rosamund Pike, instead sounds like a neuroses-filled, laugh track-accompanied episode of classic Seinfeld material. Wright and Pike got engaged this past September, having met on the set of Pride & Prejudice, but due to calamitous series of unfortunate events involving wedding invitations, photos of the pair in a hot tub, and late night lap dances, the previously boring but gorgeous couple are making headlines for an engagement gone suddenly and horribly wrong. Details on the sordid, beyond comical story after the jump.

Many of us learned more than we needed to about that trendy college dorm infection known as pink eye from Knocked Up and Stephen Colbert. In the elegant Apatow flick, we learn that farting on pillows will cause it, and on a recent Colbert Report, Stephen noted that farting on your boss’s computer is not cool, because of the e. coli and the, well, okay we’re done. But sadly the itchy inflammation is in the headlines once again thanks to Anne Hathaway, who delighted reporters recently by recalling her snotty, puss-filled, tear-blubbering kissing scene with Steve Carell while shooting Get Smart. As she said to Steve at the time, “My eye is red, puffy and dripping green — I'm snotty, and I'm just like 'Come here!'” Though Anne blames the irritation on sinus problems and the like, we wouldn’t be surprised if Anne’s slime actually came from her slimeball of a beau, considering a piece in today’s NY Post reveals the lawbreaker is in trouble yet again:

Despite having apparently cleaned up her boozy gurney act, finding a new boyfriend who doesn't wear wifebeaters and even spending quality mini-SUV-riding time with Sean Preston and The Other One, Britney Spears has still been getting flack from the press. Why? Namely because she's been seen looking slightly less svelte than usual while covering her belly (which, of course, leads to unwed-mom pregnancy stories). But comeback number infinity is still chugging away! Last week, we reported on her planned string of "flashy" shows in Vegas, and now we learn that Spears has reportedly undergone a rapid weight loss using none other than the Victoria Beckham starvation method. Details on what Spears has been replacing her Cheetos with, how she's comparing to Posh these days and the exact dimensions of her new dress size (you know you want to know) after the jump.

Poor Ryan Phillippe. First, he earned a reputation as a shameful cheating husband who hurt the precious piece of Oscar-winning apple pie that is Reese Witherspoon, then gay-basher-turned-gay-lover Jay Leno urged Ryan to look “gay” on national television, and then his role in Stop Loss failed to live up to expectations. Rubbing salt into an already open wound, he admitted to USA Today last week that he avoids looking at pictures of Reese and Jake Gyllenhaal, calling the images “bizarre.” But last night, Phillippe finally battled this ongoing string of bad luck and publicly appeared at an Australian awards gala with "other woman" Abbie Cornish on his arm. We took a look back at all the hiding these two have done over the years, and what may have inspired Ryan to show the media he’s no longer in need of a pity party.

What would a Sex And The City movie premiere be without bouts of drama worthy of the show itself? While last night's premiere in New York looked glamorous on camera, on the scene it was another story entirely. From a controversial remark made by the franchise’s token villainness to fashion mishaps to thousands of ticketless die-hard fans ending up in tears, the scene outside Radio City Music Hall last night was chaotic and Cosmo-drenched. And that was just the crowd! As for the stars of the film, there were signs that sex-despising Sarah Jessica Parker's co-stars weren't entirely pleased to pose in front of the movie's poster (you know, the one that they don't even appear on). All the scandals and controversy, plus the highs and lows of the cast's fashion choices, after the jump.

At this point in Jessica Simpson’s sad, sad career, it’s become clear that her only chance of making headlines is by sleeping with a new guy, getting dumped by that new guy, or whining over one of the many guys who’ve dumped and/or slept with her. As we learned this week, her most recent conquest — QB Tony Romo, who Jessica called “her future husband” in Glamour’s March issue before admitting that “this article could come out and Tony and I could be broken up” — rid himself of the Game Day Curse just as her ex-fling John Mayer was popping up all over the weeklies swapping spit with Jennifer Aniston and her fembot nips. Naturally, Jessica reacted by drinking herself silly and, we presume, making several late-night calls to her Dadager, Papa Joe, requesting her next romantic PR stunt stat. So the question is: which lucky bachelors will Joe pay off set her up with this time to guarantee continuous coverage of his darling daughter? Our suggestions, after the jump.

Elle creative director Joe Zee is popular among colleagues. "I seriously don't know anyone who doesn't love Joe: he was the best thing that could have happened for morale there." No wonder he's so beloved: the free-spending Zee took an additional five friends and colleagues to the Paris and Milan ready-to-wear shows this year-included among them his rumored paramour, a former shop girl Keith Pollock. The bill for Zee's grand European tour-probably over $500,000-comes at an uncomfortable time. Elle publisher Hachette just slashed its web staff and is giving up office space at its Midtown headquarters; and grumbly bean counters are beginning to focus on the master stylist's extravagance. "The costs are out of control, and the boyfriend who is said to be reporting on fashion shoots is really at a Four Seasons getting a massage on the company tab," writes the cost-conscious tipster. Pollock-a former salesman whom Zee had placed at Elle's website-was spared the recent online cuts.

What is it about London that makes otherwise prim actresses turn into girls gone wild? At last night’s premiere of SATC: The Movie across the pond, sex book author and Police Academy alum Kim Cattrall decided to do away with those pesky accessories we’re all (aside from Britney) forced to wear in public: her shoes. The good news? As Cameron Diaz proved at the premiere of Charlie’s Angels, walking the red carpet barefoot attracts some great press. The bad? Cattrall’s shoe-less night on the town revealed the most frightening pair of tootsies we’ve seen in recent memory, and Kim’s reported late-night behavior was eerily reminiscent of the night Renee Zellweger painted London red last month.

Despite recent reports that rehabbed Kirsten Dunst has cleaned up her act by nabbing a good guy boyfriend in Ryan Gosling, attending AA meetings and even heading back to work, the NY Daily News hears all that sober fun came to an abrupt and predictable stop at her 26th birthday party in New York last week. As a witness claims, "The actress looked a lot worse for wear as she tumbled out to the street hours after midnight, with girlfriends gripping her arm." While sightings like these don’t exactly prove Dunst has fallen off the wagon, they do inspire us to play another game of Tipsy Face Bingo: a collection of our favorite Drunk Dunst photos of the past! All of Kirsten’s finest slip-sliding, bleary-eyed, greasy-haired moments, after the jump.

We rarely like to take a mental walk down memory lane when it comes to the Most Nauseating Celebrity Hookups of all time, but news of the latest addition has unfortunately led us to revisit the grotesque list. We’ve already seen Liza Minelli and Phantom Of The Plastic Surgery Ward David Gest exchange saliva, Star Jones give Al an awkward lap dance and guiltily pleasured ourselves by witnessing wrinkly charmer Hugh Hefner and his thin lips attach themselves to the Girls Next Door. But after reading about one beach yoga-practicing, SUV-abandoning actor known for generally annoying everyone in Hollywood, and one scratchy-voiced “punk” rock chick known for generally hating everyone in Hollywood playing tongue twister in LA this past Tuesday, we may have a winner. The canoodlers in question, and just how far they went, after the jump:

Thus far, Riches star Minnie Driver has given the public three wildly different answers to anyone inquiring who knocked up the card-carrying member of that annoyingly massive Celebrity-Slash-Singer subset. Among the potential baby daddies she's flung out into the media’s clutches? The Easter Bunny, musician Craig Zolezzi, and yes, God him or herself. And six months into her pregnancy, Driver has defiantly and coyly kept her lips sealed, until now. In a recent interview with the UK’s Independent, she finally released two very telling details: the guy is British, and "sort of in the same business." Our guesses lie after the jump, but we leave it to you, loyal Defamer readers, to solve the mystery:

Mixing two high-profile sects like A-list stars and fashionistas will inevitably result in a bit of drama, but at Monday night's Costume Institute Gala, drama took on a whole new meaning. Catfights! Divas! Public Displays Of Aggression! From Christina Ricci's early departure to Peacock King's Jeff Zucker's bitchy avoidance of Darth Weinstein on the red carpet, everyone's claws were out on Monday night. Adding fuel to the fire, one married actress decided to show up to the event sans wedding ring amid rumors of a pending divorce. All the details, including Jennifer Aniston's fling-of-the-week's comments on whether or not the whole mushy affair is for real, after the jump.