In the past we have called satchel of fairy dust Zooey Deschanel a living dog sweater, Bambi's rabbit friend, and hipster labradoodle with bangs, that doesn't mean we hate her. No, Zooey, we want you to come back and read Gawker.

New York Times opinion-haver David Brooks is not a "journalist," per se; he's more of an "amiable prick." Still, he is employed by a newspaper, and he writes about news. One would think he might be, at least, in favor of, you know, journalism, or at least the spreading of facts, in the public interest. Not so!

Oh my god, call your Aunt Claire, she's going to be so excited to hear that Johnny Depp and his elusive long-time heterosexual life partner, Vanessa Paradis, have split (probably). This is her chance to get with her dream actor! It's gonna happen.

Everyone is all atwitter that Lindsay Lohan is in talks to play Elizabeth Taylor. How dare she? How could she? The mock indignant travesty. And now Megan Fox is in talks to play the same role. Cue the same pseudo outrage with additional overtones of a cat fight. Please. It's never gonna happen.

The Late Show with David Letterman just fired its booker Eddie Brill. The ostensible reason is some horribly sexist comments Brill made in the New York Times. The real reason is Letterman's festering woman problem.

Wikipedia will shut down Wednesday to protest SOPA, the civil-liberties-destroying law that otherwise indifferent rich internet people actually care about. A day without Wikipedia sounds terrifying and exhilarating all at once. Just imagine the possibilities!

Of all the fashion don'ts in the world, the don't-iest of them all are those god awful toe shoe sneaker things that make your feet like like those of a cyborg ape. God, they are awful. Golden Globes nominee Shailene Woodley wore them on the red blue carpet last night. She should be shot.

Elton John had a sour puss on all night at the Golden Globes, but it got even worse when Madonna's shitty "Masterpiece" won for Best Original Song over some crappy ballad Elton wrote for Gnomeo and Juliet. Then his husband started talking shit about Madonna on Facebook.

Is Rooney Mara contractually obligated to dress like a monochromatic red carpet version of Lisbeth Salander for the duration of the Girl with a Dragon Tattoo series? Or, over the course of playing Salander, did Rooney discover the starkly sexy killer swizzle stick within?

We have a whole bunch of fun stuff planned for the Golden Globes, but there's one thing you won't see on the site, so we wanted to make you aware of it now. We're giving control of Gawker's Twitter account to author, cabaret star, and all-around funny person Justin Vivian Bond during the broadcast.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. So we should all be proud that, according to a Foreign Policy investigation by Mark Perry, Israeli intelligence officers pretended to be CIA agents so they could recruit Pakistani religious fanatics to assassinate Iranians. How sweet.

Yesterday all of the internet was dancing on the grave of 69-year-old Calvin Klein's relationship with 21-year-old "model" Nick Gruber. Well, it appears their "break" wasn't nearly as definitive as everyone thought.

Arianna Huffington, internet media mogul and legendary pooper, has "good news." She's launching a new Huffington Post vertical, called "HuffPost Good News":

Facebook has issued another exciting edict on how your personal data will be used, announcing a partnership in which your private status messages and comments are mined for political sentiment. The information is then passed in statistical form exclusively to Politico for that site's trademark analysis. Don't worry about opting out, because that's impossible.

Classical music fans are terribly sophisticated and demanding. They don't like it, for example, when their precious sonic cocoon is pierced by disabled people's medical devices, or by coughing sickies. Now they've nearly torn a man to pieces over his ringing iPhone.

This couple is on a break because the wife suffered depression after the birth of their child. She's getting help though! This actor shares a bed with his mother and this celeb tried to hook up with one of his former high school teachers. Wait until you hear why she turned him down.

Since Seth's departure last Thursday, there have been many articles written that suggest he was fired specifically for making a "racist" slur in his post. There was this headline. And this one. And this one. That's just not true.

It's reassuring for me, as a writer, to know that if all else fails and my entire career crumbles to pieces, I can always survive by selling Slate literally any story about anything I have ever done. I can derive an entirely new income stream for a period of time equal to the length of my entire writing career, by writing thousands of new stories recounting each individual day of my career, and the exciting—or unexciting—lessons I learned, or did not learn. It doesn't matter that that would be pointless; "pointlessness" is a concept that does not translate to the internet. We're living in a post-pointless era. Enjoy it.

This starlet says she hates this director, but they're secretly getting it on. There's a sex tape of this actress, her boyfriend, and a group of his friends. This child star is back on smack, and this celeb hates her life. Do you think she's just saying that and secretly fucking her life?

After today's post in which a former Keith Olbermann coworker mildly denigrates Keith Olbermann's choice of footwear, It took only minutes for Keith Olbermann's response email to hit our inbox. Here it is: