That's all you need to know, folks! He's not confused, or glib, or uninterested. He's stupid. Like Forest Gump. Or Sarah Palin. He doesn't understand the things that he says. We can't all be smart, or even average. And Herman Cain isn't.

Nixonian cretin Patrick Buchanan is such a jolly old coot on MSNBC—he's even got an adorable Odd Couple routine with lesbian leftie Rachel Maddow—that it's easy to forget that he's a White Power proponent who thinks it's "natural and normal" to prefer members of your own race to black folks. Luckily, he writes virulently racist books now and again to remind us.

In your magic Monday media column: Michele Norris takes a hiatus at NPR, fuckery at Gannett, The Daily Beast TV is here, newspapers roll out a false slogan, and Charlie Rose on morning television would be... good.

A Long Island couple is trying to trademark "Occupy Wall Street" for use on merchandise. Come on, hippies, you're wasting a perfectly good brand with all this protesting stuff.

At a press conference this morning, Julian Assange—whom we imagine was wearing nothing but a barrel and suspenders—announced Wikileaks was so broke it might have to shut down in a matter of months. Even more than it already has shut down, that is.

Today we heard the exciting news that Barack Obama is writing personal checks to people! Terrific, we're all rich! And just what might we expect the president to say to us in his money-giving letter? One commenter knows.

The most shocking thing in this story from the Michigan Messenger about the influx of homeless people in Traverse City isn't about people dying of frostbite under a bridge. It's the fact that Anthony Ciccone, one of Madonna's older brothers, has been homeless for a year and a half.

News Corp. will pay a $3.2 million settlement to the family of Milly Dowler, the girl whose voicemail was hacked into by News of the World reporters after her murder in 2002. The company will also pay an additional $1.6 million to a charity of the Dowler family's choosing.

Coffee marketers and morning-show hosts Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski are writing a memoir. Together. Because the fact that you see them on the TV together means that you want to read about them both at the same time! If you'd like to read about them separately, pick up Brzezinski's 2009 already written memoir All Things at Once and Scarborough's 2004 "part memoir, part political treatise" Rome Wasn't Burnt in a Day. Maybe this new one will have awesome sex scenes, or something.

Everyone else wanted Steve Jobs to move quickly against his tumor. His friends wanted him to get an operation. His wife wanted him to get an operation. But the Apple CEO, so used to swimming against the tide of popular opinion, insisted on trying alternative therapies for nine crucial months. Before he died, Jobs resolved to let the world know he deeply regretted the critical decision, biographer Walter Isaacson has told 60 Minutes.

Someday, when historians try to explain the cultural milieu that led Occupy Wall Street (assuming future people even care about OWS?) they will point to this Wall Street Journal dispatch from a party where Kim Kardashian literally eats cake while discussing the plight of the protest's unwashed masses:

Some wacko has been spamming the internet with death threats against the Obamas, and various congressmen, and David Letterman. Google shows this guy's life must be largely spent on writing internet death threats.

Last month, we started hearing scuttlebutt that Mark Zuckerberg was on the outs with sisters Randi and Arielle. So we approached today's New York Times profile of Randi Zuckerberg with a jaded eye. But we didn't have to read too closely between the lines to find the tension between Facebook's CEO and his older sibling.

After having her bail revoked yesterday for shirking on probation requirements, wounded magpie Lindsay Lohan shirked again: She arrived two hours late for her first court-mandated community service session at the L.A. County Morgue, forcing the morgue to turn her away.

Billionaire Mayor Michael Bloomberg is sticking up for billionaire mogul Rupert Murdoch as shareholder activists try to depose the aging News Corp. chairman.

Lindsay Lohan's probation was revoked yesterday, but hey, did you see how pretty her teeth looked? She totally got them fixed since last time we saw them, when they were jacked.

Someone saw ScarJo and Joseph Gordon-Levitt kissing. Shia LaBeouf got in a bar fight and threatened to pull a knife. Katherine Heigl's three-year-old can walk in stilettos. Cameron Diaz and Naomi Campbell go dancing. Thursday gossip swaps spit.

Over the summer we told you how fading fuckwad Glenn Beck was fleeing the liberal north to go inhabit his own $20,000-a-month rental Alamo in Dallas. Well, he must feel at home in his new hometown, because now he wants to turn an old megachurch in the Dallas suburbs into the headquarters for GBTV.com—his subscriber-based Internet cry- and clown-porn channel.

Today we expressed some concern that Mitt Romney might explode. He just seems a little wound-up. So what can his handlers do to fix this problem? One commenter had some suggestions.

Once a movie actress, she's now doing TV. Also today: Americans can't make anything original, French Stewart has been located, and How to Be a Gentleman has been put out to stud.