It's been a bruising few weeks for Goldman Sachs what with the tough questions about the role the firm played in the mortgage meltdown and subsequent bailout, and any special treatment it may have received from Washington officials like former Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson. But it looks like the firm's lawyers now have one more headache to deal with: the dude in Thailand who is selling unauthorized (and terribly chintzy) Goldman-branded "keychain watches" on Ebay for $9.95 a pop. "Makes a great gift for someone," reads the ad. It doesn't specify who this "someone" is. But if you're looking to give a friend at the firm a way to count down the minutes until his gigantic bonus shows up in his checking account, you probably should make a move before Goldman's lawyers do. [Ebay]

Did you like the part of the global economic meltdown where world governments had to step in to save the financial markets from total collapse? Then you'll love the part where they start rationing our food and oil supplies!

Fuck you, Wall Street. Fuck you for being so rich that you have money to spend. But fuck you more for not spending it, so we don't hate you. Thank you, Wall Street Wives—you're still rich, entitled, free-spending terrors!

Goldman Sachs has been accused in recent weeks of plotting to make a fortune from the collapse of the American economy and then plotting with Washington insiders to hand the banking industry a massive bailout. Are Goldman haters now plotting against the firm's CEO, Lloyd Blankfein, and his wife Laura? A day after it was reported the banking chief had instructed Goldman employees to play it cool comes this doozy about Laura Blankfein's alleged antics in the Hamptons last weekend:

When Goldman Sachs' chief mouthpiece told us a couple of weeks ago that no one at the bank would be permitted to celebrate the firm's blockbuster second quarter, he wasn't kidding. The Post reports today that Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein, has instructed all employees of the firm "to avoid making big-ticket, high-profile purchases."

As your money burned last year and banks groveled for cash, we knew they kept handing out billions of bonus cash. But now we know how just a small few put their snouts to the trough.

A Senate panel has issued subpoenas to Goldman Sachs, Deutsche Bank and others, to investigate whether or not company executives knew in advance that the economy-destroying mortgage-related securities they created were complete crap.

Todd Genger, a 33-year-old attorney for Goldman Sachs, was arrested yesterday for soliciting an undercover cop that he thought was a 15-year-old girl. That's criminal. Reaping billions in profit from surreptitious taxpayer bailouts, however, remains perfectly legal.

It's been a rough few weeks for Goldman Sachs as critics have assailed the firm over its massive profits, the role it may have played in creating the current economic mess and, last but not least, the firm's decision to stand by silently as the Bronx's cookie industry is decimated. How could it possibly get any worse? Having child molesters on the payroll, for one thing:

Eliot Spitzer always felt most comfortable as an outsider crusading against entrenched interests. He felt second-most-comfortable wearing black socks and screwing hookers bareback while choking them. Two is over, but Goldman Sachs' gluttony offers him another shot at Number One.

In this week's issue of New York, Joe Hagan pens a long piece about Goldman Sachs, "America's most successful, cynical, envied, despised, and (in its view, anyway) misunderstood engine of capitalism." But if you were thinking that the last year of turmoil—or the unprecedented blow to Goldman's reputation in recent months—has changed things at the storied firm, well, you needn't worry:

Poor Goldman Sachs. Now that non-finance people are learning how they've been getting rich by gaming the system like a gambler with knowledge of every card on the table, their reputation is circling the drain. Do they care? Hell no!

Last September, shortly after Lehman had gone bust, Bank of America had just announced plans to acquire Merrill Lynch, and back when the management of Goldman Sachs wasn't feeling nearly as confident as they do these days, Goldman reached out to Warren Buffett for a financial lifeline. The deal Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein struck with Buffett gave the firm a big shot in the arm and signaled to investors that Goldman would endure the crisis intact. And it looks like it's working out pretty well for Buffett, too. As of today, Buffett's bet has earned him a paper profit of more than $2 billion. [Bloomberg]

A protest took place outside the offices of Goldman Sachs today! The crowd gathered in front of 85 Broad Street must have been outraged about the role Goldman played in the subprime mortgage crisis, right? Or how the bank managed to generate massive profits from the economic downturn while also convince Washington to bail out the banking industry? Or the way in which the bank has systematically used its ties to top officials in Washington to its advantage? Not so much! The signs, according to Dealbreaker, read "Stop the injustice at Stella D'Oro." It seems the people gathered outside think Goldman can prevent the cookie factory in the Bronx from closing down because it owns a piece of the company that owns Stella D'Oro. Oh, well. Guess you'll have to protest all the other stuff another day! [Dealbreaker]

Things may be all hunky-dory at Goldman Sachs and JPMorgan Chase now that both firms announced hugely profitable second quarter profits. The same can't be said for Morgan Stanley, though. The bank posted a $1.26 billion loss for the second quarter today, but as is the case with so many things on Wall Street, you should not expect any of the execs at Morgan Stanley to feel the sting: The firm set aside 72 percent of the $5.9 billion it collected in during the second quarter for compensation and benefits. "It was a very good quarter to be a Morgan Stanley employee," said one analyst. "I'm not so sure it was so good to be a Morgan Stanley shareholder." [Bloomberg]

As the public focuses on the lucky bankers at Goldman Sachs who are on track to make more money than ever this year, let's not forget about hedge fund managers. They're doing pretty well, too, you know! According to a new report by Hedge Fund Research, the average fund was up more than nine percent during the quarter, the best quarterly return since the fourth quarter of 1999. So if you see a cocky finance type out and about and he's buying bottles of champagne like the last year never happened—or waving a wad of cash—he could work at Goldman. But he could just as well be employed by a hedge fund. It still remains highly unlikely, however, that he works at Citigroup. [Dealbook]

Contrary to what Goldman Sachs mouthpiece Lucas van Pragg told us the other day, it appears Lloyd Blankfein has been celebrating the bank's record quarter after all. Page Six reports today that Blankfein was spotted "celebrating Goldman's boffo earnings" with Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver at the (kosher) restaurant Prime Grill, although it doesn't say when this dinner supposedly took place, and it's always possible it was another short, bald, Jewish man in a boring suit. (There are a lot of them in this town, as you may be aware.) Meanwhile, Dealbreaker has the details about a dinner that allegedly took place place last night at Barbone, which not only featured Blankfein, but JPMorgan Chase chief Jamie Dimon as well. Barbone's located on Avenue B, which is unlikely territory for both men, but when you're trying to keep your social activities under the radar, you don't exactly book a table at the Four Seasons. Given all these meals, though, we can't help but feel a bit deceived by Goldman's corporate communications department. If there was one industry that has earned a rep for its commitment to honesty, it's investment banking! [NYP, Dealbreaker]

CNBC, the nation's preeminent financial news network, aired an investigative special last night! Did they venture deep into the Heart of Darkness to investigate the welfare queens at Goldman Sachs? Well, no, they investigated the porn industry, naturally.

Goldman Sachs earned $3.5 billion in profits last quarter. Also, it earned a huge fucking target on its back.

The unemployment situation in NYC isn't improving. The city's jobless rate jumped to 9.5 percent last month, which is almost double what it was a year ago and the highest it's been since July 1997. But there is some good news for unemployed Wall Streeters: It looks like banks are beginning to hire again. Of course, the very best news is reserved for people who happen to be employed by Goldman Sachs, who are on track to make $1 million this year, on average. If you fall into that last category, rest assured that everyone else in NYC is totally thrilled about your good fortune, isn't the slightest bit jealous, and only wishes you the very best. Promise! [Reuters]