This week started with Goldman Sachs making billions in profits, and starting the Wall Street Pay Machine back up. Now, JPMorgan Chase has also posted a spectacular second quarter profit. Well. What could go wrong?

Maybe you heard yesterday about how things are going great over at Goldman, like $1,000,000 for each employee great? So surely there were some sick banker celebrations going down last night, right? Not if management can help it!

Lucas van Praag, Goldman Sachs' head of corporate communications, was kind enough to get back to us a few minutes ago as to whether Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein had any plans to live it up given the firm's blow-out of a second-quarter. Alas, the Dom will not be flowing at Le Cirque tonight, it seems. Says van Praag:

The happiest man in New York today? That would be Lloyd Blankfein, the chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs, which announced this morning that the bank reeled in a record $13.8 billion in revenue for the second quarter and generated profits of $3.44 billion. It's a big turnaround from a few months ago when the firm was holding out its hand for billions in bailout dollars, of course. But that's water under the bridge. And no one seems to be so sure how Goldman managed to do it. Blankfein attributed the big gains to "the combination of improving financial market conditions and a deep and diverse client franchise" in a news release today, whatever that means. But who cares how Goldman did it? The important thing is to go out and celebrate, right?

It ought to be a good thing when a financial firm and starts making money again. Green shoots! But it's really not, unless you work at said firm or maybe sleep with someone who works there — line up, ladies!

The Way We Live Now: Relatively better if we are not black, or trying to get divorced. Yes, this recession has exposed some ugly inequalities in our society. But Goldman Sachs is doing great! That's something we can all celebrate.

Uh oh! The magical computer formulas that allow Goldman Sachs to continue making money, forever, as the world burns, have been stolen and sent to Germany! The FBI has arrested a Russian immigrant who used to work for Goldman.

If you're in the financial district today and you have some time to spare, artist Geoffrey Raymond is inviting the public to scribble on his latest masterpiece—a portrait of Goldman Sachs chief Lloyd Blankfein—in the alley behind 85 Broad Street during lunch. Sharpies will be provided, as usual. [Dealbreaker, previously]

There is good economic news to report, after all! But only if you work at Goldman Sachs (and maybe Morgan Stanley): "Based on analysts' earnings forecasts for 2009, Goldman Sachs Group Inc. is on track to pay out as much as $20 billion this year, or about $700,000 per employee. That would be nearly double the firm's $363,000 average last year, and slightly higher than the $661,000 for the average Goldman employee in fiscal 2007." Now we just have to hope every Goldman employee blows his or her bonus buying a new apartment and the real estate market will be booming again in no time. [WSJ]

• Cablevision is planning to launch an entire cable network devoted to nothing but wedding shows. So now you'll be able to watch Bridezillas 24/7. Yay. [B&C]
• It may not be over for Vibe. Quincy Jones, who founded the magazine in '93, says he's looking into buying it back and keeping it alive as a website. [Ebony]
• Spin reportedly laid off 20 percent of its staff yesterday. [Gawker]
• Gannett Co., the largest newspaper publisher in the U.S. by circulation, is reportedly cutting between 1,000 and 2,000 jobs at the company. [WSJ]
• More bad news for CNN: MSNBC is now in front on weeknights and Campbell Brown's nightly show continues to plunge in the ratings, too. [NYT, TVBTN]
• CNBC's Dennis Kneale doesn't like it when bloggers mock him. Will acting like a nut on TV fix that? No, but it sure makes for amusing TV. [Dealbreaker]

One of these three teenagers who attended a benefit last week for the Association to Benefit Children at Dylan's Candy Bar—and who appear on New York Social Diary today—is the daughter of one New York City's most prominent and highly paid CEOs. Guess which one—and who her dad is—and you'll find the answer below.

On CNBC today, Jim Cramer had the gall to attack someone for saying things that aren't, in his mind at least, true. Because you shouldn't say things that aren't true! Prepare yourself for a ridiculous clip.

Goldman Sachs is denying a report by the Guardian that the bank plans to hand out the "biggest bonus payouts in the firm's 140-year history" later this year. "We won't know what our compensation benefit number is until the end of the fourth quarter, which is at the end of December," explained a spokesman, dismissing the story as "pure speculation." In other words, it may end up being a record amount. But it's too soon to say for sure. And the bank wouldn't want employees to think they could coast from now until the end of the year, now would it? [NYDN]

• Employees at Goldman Sachs can expect the "biggest bonus payouts in the firm's 140-year history after a spectacular first half of the year." [Guardian]
• Banks like Merrill Lynch, UBS and Citigroup are "hiking pay for their top investment bankers in an attempt to stop an exodus of talent." [FT]
• Bill Gross of Pimco has "emerged as one of the nation's most influential financiers." How do we know this? Tim Geithner has him on speed-dial. [NYT]
• Russian-American billionaire Len Blavatnik is suing JPMorgan for allegedly mismanaging an investment account with $1 billion in assets. [NYT]
• Jack Welch is lending his name to a new online MBA program. [WSJ]
• Warren Buffett auctions off lunch every year for charity. The bidding is open, but it's not expected to rake in the fortune it did in years past. [Guardian]

Looks like those clever backdoor bailouts orchestrated by the plethora of carefully placed henchman throughout the highest levels of government has paid off—Goldman Sachs will pay out the biggest bonuses in its history after a "spectacular first half."

Yesterday it was reported that Morgan Stanley would be "first in line" to pay back the money it received last fall from the U.S government as part of the good ol' TARP. Morgan Stanley won't be able to claim that honor, sadly. U.S. Bancorp and BB&T were the first banks to repay the government in full today. Morgan and Goldman Sachs are now claiming that they plan to settle the matter by the end of the day. Let's hurry it up, gentlemen. It's not like bureaucrats in Washington work investment banking hours, you know. [NYT/Dealbook]

• BlackRock has reached a deal to buy Barclays Global Investors for $13.5 billion, making BlackRock the world's largest money management firm. [WSJ]
• Lawmakers grilled Bank of America chief Ken Lewis in Capitol Hill yesterday, although he defended his decision to go ahead with the acquisition of Merrill Lynch and placed blame on Ben Bernanke and Hank Paulson. [NYT, WSJ]
• John Paulson's hedge fund, which made $3+ billion betting the housing market would collapse, is now scooping up lots of distressed debt. [BN]
• Goldman was an investment bank before becoming a commercial bank. Now that it's free from the bailout, it may go back to being an I-bank. [Reuters]
• US households lost $1.33 trillion of wealth in the first 3 months of '09. [DB]
• Foreclosures fell during May, not that things have improved much. [CNN]

Friday morning special: Goldman Sachs chairman and CEO Lloyd Blankfein and his wife Laura have finally put their old apartment at 941 Park Avenue on the market. The couple paid $27 million for an apartment at 15 Central Park West in 2007, and settled into their new digs last year. But the couple's old apartment on Park just hit the market today. The five-bedroom duplex, which is listed with Sotheby's Royce Pinkwater for $15 million, comes with grand foyer, 30-foot living room with wood burning fireplace, paneled library, formal dining room, master bedroom suite with office and two baths, two maid's rooms, and bath and laundry area. Unfortunately, pictures of the co-op aren't online yet. But you can have a look at the floorplan below. [Cityfile]

The New York Times Co. reports today that it's retained Goldman Sachs to "manage the possible sale of the Boston Globe" and it "plans to request bids for Boston's major daily in the next couple of weeks." The paper hasn't indicated how much they're looking to get for the Globe, but if you'd like to get a head start and open the lines of communication, you'll find contact info for the man to talk to located on your left. If your budget is a bit more modest, but you're still interested in walking away with a NYT Co. cast-off, perhaps we can interest you in the Times jet? It's still on the market. And priced at a very reasonable $9.5 million, too! [Dealbook, Boston Globe]

The Treasury Department has given to go-ahead to ten big banks to begin repaying the billions provided to them by U.S. taxpayers. And for what may be the first time in history, they're expressing delight at the prospect of writing checks instead of collecting them. The Treasury Department didn't release a list this morning of the ten financial institutions that made the cut. But the joyous public statements by their CEOs has helped assemble a list, which is believed to include Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan Chase, Bank of New York Mellon, the State Street Corporation, American Express, the BB&T Corporation, Capital One, and US Bancorp. [Dealbook]