That's the normal reaction when Hugh Grant touches your butt, right? Rachel Uchitel finally goes to the press, Rihanna wants to make out with Megan Fox, Ben and Jen mate like bunnies. Wednesday gossip, yours for the taking.

Angelina's secret second family: seven Muslim children, and a wife. Lady Gaga spawns jokes about old queens, Suri Cruise goes glam like never before, Tiger Woods' wife buys a mansion in Sweden. Tuesday gossip keeps coming back for more.

Who hasn't slept with Tiger Woods? An actress who debuted in The Wonder Years, then went on to OMG Stop Tickling Me joins Tiger's stable; Lohan looks surprisingly hot in a faux-threesome; reality stars eat rats. Monday gossip ahoy!

Hotmess Courtney Love reports that hotmess Britney Spears was molested as a kid. Usher is a girlyman. Captain Scuzzybutt Esq. will make Page Six one day. Natalie Portman's "tits." Barbara Cocoran's PR team. Presenting your late-edition Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Taylor² (Lautner and Swift) are awesome, and even Kings of Leon say so. Amy Adams: having a baby, and this too, is awesome. Naomi Campbell, Julia Roberts, and George Stephanopoulos give me 90s nostalgia. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup.

They didn't cancel him for gay kissing, they canceled him for gay kissing without warning; Miley Cyrus copies one of Lindsay Lohan's tattoos; Rihanna cops to being a size queen. Friday's gossip is sassy-meowing all over the place.

Lindsay Lohan's Rashomon-like love life takes three different turns in one day, Tiger Mistress #1 prepares to tell all, and the Salahis cancel Christmas. Come bathe in a sea of Thursday's gossip.

"I feel bad" for boyfriends whose girlfriends don't send them XXX self-portraits, says Rihanna; Tiger Woods' sexy texts messages are out; LiLo and SamRo make nice. Wednesday's gossip is one nip slip short of a tabloid triathlon.

Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson may have gone psycho for a model who likes to cling octogenarians; everyone obsesses over Tiger Woods' mistress; Westchester reprimands Richard Gere for chopping down trees. Tuesday's gossip ranges from sordid lechery to suburban ennui.

New photos suggest the White House party crashers were seasoned social climbers and chronic liars; Reese and Jake deny a break-up rumor; Tila Tequila's "energy secret" is not an illegal substance. Monday gossip, here we come.

Derek Jeter: planning on sexing Minka Kelly in all 62 rooms of St. Jetersburg. Sandra Bullock's new look: chola. Anna Wintour: apartment shopping for spawn. Diddy and Jay-Z: alone with caviar? Alec Baldwin: apocalyptic. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup!

Jennifer Aniston takes Morocco by....storm? She's dating (or not dating) a camel. Posh Spice has bunions. Jake Gyllenhaal is special. Courtney Love's greatest hookup ever. Thanksgiving Dinner at the Waverly Inn. LiLo being LiLo. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

He loves her so much he cast her in his next movie. Rosie O'Donnel's weird date, Courtney Love in a strip club, and Zac Efron thinks stars are famous. This is the 11:26 Gossip train to New Haven. All aboard!

That's because it's now got 100% more of phone hacking PR girl Ali Wise. Also Emma Watson gets around, Lady Gaga marries Papa John, and J.Lo meant to fall down. It's Tuesday and that's all the gossip you get.

Scott Stapp denies that a tour bus video of him and Kid Rock is a sex tape, Jon Gosselin relinquishes primary custody, Suri Cruise has the worst time of her life at The Lion King. Welcome to Monday gossip.

RobPatz and K-Stew are doing it, a lot, instead of promotions. Jay-Z doesn't want to piss off Beyonce. Christie Brinkley: psycho. Diddy: birthday boy. Marv Albert Vs. 50 Cent? Fight of the year! Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Kind of like a Harry Potter book, right? Michael Lohan's now Jon Gosselin's contracts expert. Nothing but squares at the Daily News. Robert Pattinson hates his life. Carrie Prejean: monumentally stupider than previously imagined. Here's your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Mitch Winehouse offers charming new details about his daughter's breasts; Adam Lambert fires back at Out magazine's editor; Miley Cyrus literally dresses like a whore. Friday's gossip is losing its sense of irony, but makes up for it with cleavage.

Kristen Stewart's corruption of Dakota Fanning is complete, Joe Francis is filing for bankruptcy, and Kirstie Alley says Conan "acts like I bit his dick off." Thursday's gossip has castration anxiety.

Carrie Prejean is horrifed by Shauna Sand's attempt to inspire her; Bijou Phillips' incest movie was a lot less creepy before Mackenzie wrote that book; 50 Cent has some tattoos removed. Et voila, Wednesday's gossip!