As the Sheen-Mueller cycle of violence rounds another bend, we have no choice but to end the year depressingly. Tracy Morgan buys lube, Kate Hudson goes "psycho," Jonases contemplate break-up. Should auld gossip be forgot: Thursday gossip lang syne.

Lady Gaga L-O-V-E-S SuBo but worries about the Hairy Angel diluting her brand. Madonna messes up a Malawian orphanage. Sarandon robs the cradle. Mark Wahlberg bitches about his neighbors the Beckhams. Wednesday gossip, fresh 'n' juicy.

This time she won't earn money for it, though. Charlie Sheen's wife's 911 call is out, and terrifying. Spencer Pratt is jealous of Jersey Shore. Paparazzi get pissed at Angelina. Come and get your Tuesday gossip!

Sometimes, a good paparazzi shot makes us stop thinking about rumors and start thinking about whether big eyeglasses are passé, yet. Lindsay has a new beau, her dad has a new excuse, Gosselin's ex thinks someone is framing her. Gossip!

Jon Gosselin's apartment got ransacked, someone left a stabby note. Literally! Also, they broke his Ming Vase. Amy Winehouse's looking to get into Altarcations? Michael Lohan: Christmas sleazy. Katt Williams: gunslingy. Bruce Springsteen: Nutcracky. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup!

Sienna and Jude's balls: Barbados-bound. Together they'll make domestic reconciliation layer cake. Lady Gagadong's moneyballs will drop on New Years. William Hurt is your new existential bicycle. Gene Simmons is still trying to rock. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

In Dubai, Carrie and the girls flout their steepest recession yet. Dr. Conrad Murray films a show, Brittany Murphy could cry out of one eye at a time on command, Carrie Underwood flaunts her engagement ring. Wednesday gossip is decadent.

The collective desire to find something to blame for Brittany Murphy's untimely death channels itself into autopsy results and prescription obsessing; Posh Spice does "the robot"; Lance Bass gay-boyfriends for Jamie-Lynn Sigler; porn star hates sex. Tuesday gossip anon.

Eight-six virgins descend onto Chris Brown, who we are now supposed to believe is a "gent"; Barbara Walters makes sweet love to Frank Langella; Catherine Zeta-Jones shows her tits. Monday gossip is so juicy, it will run down your chin.

Kevin Jonas got married, probably laid. Jersey Shore kids in New York. Are they loved or hated? Kate Hudson's parents love her sooooooooo much. People wants to kill Brad Pitt's spirit. SJP vs. Dress. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup!

Someone dares invoke the earth-shattering wrath of Demi Moore by calling the ageless aged? Indeed! PageSix got porn-y. Sheriff TMZ's busting Maria Shriver and Lil' Wayne. Courtney Love, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin: still suck. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup!

Because the gossips say they're working on a new baby, but I'm not sure we can believe it until the beard is accounted for. Kevin Jonas is getting married, Snooki lost her job, Elin Nordegren hires a lawyer. TGIFriday Gossip.

Brad goes out of town and Angie flies into a depressive rage, Madonna's face is bloated (with restylane?), Anne Hathaway is in a car crash with a stylish cyclist. Thursday's gossip is full of peril.

Elin eyes an alternate source of revenue, A-Rod dumped K-Hud for being a famewhore, Tiger paparazzi pics are at a premium, Courtney Love fights with Perez. Wednesday gossip may look like a gun, but it is really a telescope.

This time it's not because she's high, just that Frances Bean prefers her granny. Also: Rihanna takes her top off, A-Rod and Kate Hate maybe-split, Kourtney Kardashian wolfs tunafish after childbirth. ¡Vamanos a Tuesday gossip!

LiLo lied about saving those kids in India, almost as embarrassing as Dina Lohan truly out-leeching herself. Tiger Woods and Rachel Uchitel are in Palm Beach, separately. Michelle Rodriguez talks vaginas and lesbian sex tapes. Monday gossip, locked and loaded.

BigLips Lohan's claim of rescuing Indian children? Notsomuch. A Christmas tree at Hotel Griffou takes one for the team. Kardashians: God hates you. Halle Berry's still hot. And #servicey! Patti Smith: hotness. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup.

Lil' Wayne's Real Estate Agent deserves sainthood. TV parents are popping out "A Milli" kids a minute. Kourtney Kardashain is America's Best Mom-To-Be. Katy Parry brings one home to Dad. Let the beat build! Here's your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Pregnant Kardashian gets creepy, a judge makes it illegal for Jon Gosselin to perv on bikini girls, and Tiger Woods paid tens of thousands to get down with a Playboy model. Friday's gossip is about messed up families.

The worst meltdown of Casey Johnson's life coincides with a career high for Tila Tequila, a mysterious flower bouquet arrives at the Woods residence, and Liza Minnelli settles a $100M lawsuit for sexually assaulting her bodyguard. Thursday gossip, voila.