Wherein we invite our readers to put on their pith helmets and plunge headlong into the blind item jungle presided over by the Colonel Kurtz of confusingly-phrased celebrity dirt, humpy E! gossip demigod Ted Casablanca. This week, Ted unloads twin items, tempting us with some drug abuse and a little of that casting couch action we love so dearly. Thrust yourself into One Drive-By Blind Vice Has It* *Or One Do-Me Blind Vice Has It (Take Your Best Schtup!):

From this week's Popbitch newsletter:

After how well-behaved and consummately professional Lindsay Lohan was on the set of Herbie: Fully Loaded (they only threatened to fire her once or twice!), how could anyone have anticipated that Lohan might be a handful on the location shoot for Just My Luck? The wily Lohan blindsides us all:

· One of the many disturbing passages in today's AP profile of Dakota Fanning: "Besides DeNiro, Dakota has worked with an impressive list of actors: Sean Penn in 'I Am Sam,' Denzel Washington in 'Man on Fire,' Brittany Murphy in 'Uptown Girls.'" Once Fanning manages to land a role opposite Sarah Michelle Gellar, she can retire knowing she's shown her chops to all the greats.
· No punchline required: DeGeneres Launches Campaign To Find Reid a Man
· We're sure that if you look hard enough, you can find us somewhere in the list of Chickenhead's Absolute Bottom 50 Blogs, probably somewhere between EmotionallyStuntedPolemicist.com and CelebrityBungLeech.com.
· Note to Michael Jackson trial prosecutors: Make sure that you fingerprint the potentially incriminating pornography before you bring it to court.
· We watched Paula Abdul on the Daily Show, too, and couldn't help but wonder why she was so distractingly twitchy and kept repeating Jon Stewart's words. Drugs are always the easy explanation, but we sense a deeper pathology at work this time.

When an e-mail with the subject line reading "R&B Singer Houston Gouges Eye Out After Apparent Suicide Attempt," our first thought was, "Holy shit, that Bobby Brown reality show on Bravo is going to be the greatest thing ever!" Many of you are probably way ahead of us on this one, but we followed a link to the story and were left incredibly disappointed when we discovered a completely different Houston was involved. (If you've got a high tolerance for the disgusting, there's a picture of Houston's eye injury here. You've been warned.)

We don't know a lick of Spanish, but somehow the latest edition of ¡Mira! really, really spoke to us. Not even the disapproving stare of the woman at the cash register could prevent us from making our first-ever supermarket tabloid purchase.

Variety is reporting that Drew Barrymore has dumped Endeavor agent Patrick Whitesell for another go-around with the folks at CAA. Wow, this has been a really rough patch for Whitesell and Endeavor, who lost Jennifer Lopez last week. What's going on over there? Did Whitesell mistakenly forward an e-mail about which of his clients' big asses were costing them work to everyone in his address book? While he's doing a B.O. check and wondering what's driving away his A-list ladies, here's another important question that he and Agent Dance patron saint Ari Emanuel (pictured) can ponder: What do they need to do to get rid of Ben Affleck?

· Towleroad continues its comprehensive coverage of all developments in the timeline of gay cowboy epic Brokeback Mountain by filling in the blanks in some screenshots from its "cockteaser trailer."
· Words fail us when trying to describe the mangled mess that's replaced Jackie Stallone's face, but we'll take a crack at describing it as "watery Play-doh."
· The Tinseltown Tattle-Tale drops by Funnsylvania for a little gossip session...why aren't we getting these hot scoops?
· Edward Furlong can't shut up about lobsters: "Lobsters, they are great spirits and they need to roam free." Especially if you're shitfaced at the time you realize that lobster liberation is such a lofty goal.
· Disney is opening an entire unit dedicated to the skillful knocking-off of their Pixar collaborations.

We never thought we'd say this, but we're starting to feel pity for Tara Reid. Apparently feeling guilty for getting tricked over and over again by the NY Post, her publicist is marching her in front of any journalist willing to listen about how very hard she's trying to change her party-girl image. Here's Reid telling the AP about her arduous preparation for her genius anthropologist role in Alone in the Dark.

When we saw this map of the sex-offender danger lurking perilously close to Disneyland, we wondered if the Megan's Law website could help us find a safer place in California where concerned parents could bring their children.

Well, shit, if you're going to light him like that, how can you not give him a lifetime achievement award?

Sure, yesterday a publicist confirmed to People mag that Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth officially parted company, but we never believe that couples are truly done exploring the career benefits of a high-profile celebrity union until they start showing up to parties without their erstwhile bed-buddies. Says a reader:

This, my friends, is what we call a teaser:

It seems that a prankster has squatted on the domain uweboll.com to send a message to director Uwe Boll, the fauxteur behind the Tara-Reid-as-genius-anthropologist abomination Alone in the Dark. Visitors to the site see the above words preceded by the greeting "dear dr boll" in the page's title. Sadly, we doubt that even the most well-intentioned of pranks will stop Reid from continuing to get acting gigs.

First-class-flying Hollywood types, you are warned: If you find yourself on the same flight as CAA agent Josh Lieberman and you desperately need to sleep or get some work done, you might want to beg your way back into the plebe cabin. Page Six reveals Lieberman's log-sawing problem:

The NY Times banishes a couple of reporters to the sleepy town of Santa Maria ("population of 85,000, of whom nearly 60 percent are Latino and fewer than 2 percent are black. Many of the residents work in the fields of the surrounding Santa Maria Valley. Per capita income is $13,780, and more than 15 percent of the population lives in poverty."), where the first day of the Michael Jackson Trial of the Century unfolded Monday. Now that the stage is set, it's time to look at the challenges facing lawyers during the jury selection phase of the proceedings:

The LiquidGeneration blog has posted a clip from last night's Late Show tribute to Johnny Carson, where a former Tonight Show producer told David Letterman that Carson almost snapped because one of the Charlie's Angels cast was incredibly stupid. The producer wouldn't name names, and said it wasn't one of the original Angels, but one of "the replacements"—leaving it up to interpretation whether he meant someone from the latter days of the television show (probably) or someone who would go on to star in the seizure-inducing McG movies (less likely). Liquid Generation thinks he was talking about Drew Barrymore, but really, don't burn too many brain cells over this one. The best part about timeless debates like "Who is the stupidest Angel?" is that there's not just one correct answer.

· Tonight's utterly manufactured must-see TV moment: Stealthily gay Bachelorette contestant Fabrice, outed by TVGasm weeks ago, will reveal his "big secret" on the show tonight. Oooh, whatever could it be? Did he kill a guy?
· Dying to know exactly what's going to crawl across the screen at the beginning of this summer's new Star Wars movie? We know you are. [via BoingBoing]
· Hey, what happened to the "I Stole Brad" t-shirt site? Mysterious...
· This just in: Actors seeking new and exciting ways to throw away their money love them some poker.
· A dummy at CNN provides tabloids with easy "no respect" jokes.

Even a routine security check on the way to the courtroom can't make Michael Jackson suppress some Thriller-quality moves. Not pictured: Jackson grabs his crotch, hops on a table, and emits a piercing scream that shatters all the glass within a 100-yard radius.

Defamer is committed to bringing together Hollywood's hackiest directors and the people that once educated them. Yesterday, we received this plea and promised to do everything in our power to reconnect teacher and student.