Remember Michael Kevin Lallana, the 32-year-old financial executive from Fullerton, California? You know, the guy who jerked off in a co-worker's water bottle at least twice because he had the hots for her? He was sentenced to six months in jail back in April, and yesterday he got off with a not-so-stiff fine:

In a motion to dismiss a court case this week, we learned that a woman is suing Planet Sushi on New York's Upper West Side. Why? Because she thinks there was semen in the spicy sauce that came alongside a delivery order of tuna rolls. Per the filing:

Warning: The above video is a graphic squid snuff film. It made me scream out loud.

Just when you thought it was safe to venture out into the once poop-infested waters around New York, the city's Health Department yesterday closed four beaches — three on Staten Island and one in Brooklyn — "based on review of both water flow through the harbor and evaluation of actual water samples taken in the harbor and at the shoreline." In other words, if you've been swimming anywhere between the Verrazano and George Washington bridges, well, you get the picture.

City workers, joined by hired helpers from Ohio, have successfully fixed the North River Wastewater Treatment Plant, thereby stopping the flow of raw sewage that was poopifying New York's Hudson and Harlem Rivers. You can swim now. [Image via Flickr]

Think you can escape the heat by going swimming? Think again! Following a "catastrophic fire that shut down one of the city's largest sewage treatment plants," New York City is awash in poop. Millions of gallons of untreated sewage poured into the Hudson and Harlem Rivers this week, tainting beaches as far as Brooklyn and Staten Island. Basically, New York is a big, hot Port-a-Potty today. A festering cauldron of fecal matter. A fetid puddle of poo. [NYT, image via Flickr]

A Spanish memorabilia collector named Mikel Barsa is trying to get $500,000 at auction for what he claims is an 8-mm Marilyn Monroe sex tape, shot when she was "an underage actress." It's six and a half minutes long, and Barsa told the AP that it's the exact same as a 16-mm version that surfaced in the 90s.

Here's some gross and pretty unsurprising Dominique Strauss-Kahn news: The mother of the French woman who has accused DSK of attempted rape, Anne Mansouret said they did it (consensually) and he "took me with the vulgarity of a soldier."

Have you ever wondered what it's like to cook meth with an armed Hells Angel named California Sack? Let this ex-con and former Aryan Brother, who once made $4 million in a year cooking and selling ice, explain:

Having already brought you horrifying true stories of fried rats and poop and murder, we return today with our third and final installment of Kitchen Nightmares: Do not read while eating! Really, don't. Seriously.

Someone apparently dropped a big deuce in the International Space Station's zero-gravty toilet and didn't light a match, because the stench coming from it is so strong that one poor astronaut, Ron Garan, has been tapped to fix the $90 million plumbing system.

Yesterday, we brought you true stories of restaurant horror, courtesy of you, the grease-stained Gawker readership. Today: ten more tales of skeevy managers, bodily fluids, and stone cold murder.

Yesterday, we asked you, the ketchup-stained Gawker readership, for your horror stories of working in restaurants. My, did you fail to disappoint! Below, ten tales of glory.

People talk so much about the "fanatic genocidal fascism" aspect of Nazis that some of their other, less genocidal (but no less crazy!) ideas. Like the Nazi sex doll "designed to stop soldiers being laid low with syphilis"!

The next time you feel like paying hundreds of dollars to swim with a bunch of hungover orange dudes on the roof of the Hotel Gansevoort, you might want to consider the implications. The Post ran some tests on six swimming pools across New York, and the Gansevoort came in last:

Earlier this week we discovered that used maxi pads contain perfect circle-spots of ladyblood, which makes them sorta bio-hazardous and poisonous and therefore very inappropriate for throwing at police officers' faces, as one woman recently learned.

After reading this weird news story, you will never have to read another weird news story ever again. It has everything: an insane premise, crazy people, crushing irony, sex, crime, and sex crime. It seems an Irish woman died after an allergic reaction to a dog—a dog she had sex with. Yes. Really.

This morning on Live with Regis and Kell-Kell Kelly Ripa brought up a recent study that showed a correlation between the size of men's penises and the length of their fingers. She decided to test out the findings on America's busiest retiree, her co-host Regis Philbin. Guess what: he's hung!

We already know that belly buttons are gross. But now, thanks to a lengthy survey of human navels, we know that they're really gross. Not only do they hold lint and all sorts of other shit, but they're bacteria-filled pits of filth. Researchers from NC State University have analyzed 95 navel samples so far, which contained some 1,400 bacterial strains. Ugh. And, as The Washington Post notes:

News Corp paper News of the World already admitted to illegally hacking the cell phones of 24 celebrities. But that's not all they did! The paper also hacked the phone of murdered teenager Milly Dowler after she'd gone missing—even deleting messages in order to make more room.