And if the previous ones could be shot, too, that'd be great.

It's the new STAB BABY.

Don't get us wrong. We understand the nature of the scientific method is to eliminating possibilities. But, still, we're amused by this definition of news. We await other, analogous headlines in future editions of Science Times:

Because, hey, it's not like there's a war on or anything.

The Post reports on the brutal murder of 21-year-old Catherine Woods, an attractive, "aspiring Broadway dancer" whose death is clearly solid cover material.

Actually, we've been under the impression that was more a daily tradition. Would that it were only on Thanksgiving.

Like it's not bad enough some of us have to work today, CNN really needs to tease us, too?

Magazines, as we all know, are never afraid to confront the big questions. And The Washington Post's Magazine Reader, Peter Carlson, proves that today by rounding up all the questions asked on this month's crop of glossies.

He said, she said.

Oh, that's unfortunate. We don't think she looks like a tranny at all.

Stemware fans, meantime, prefer Maria Shriver.

Outside the box and inside your head, indeed.

It's estimated that as many as 80,000 lines of cocaine per day spill into London's River Thames, after passing through users' bodies and sewage (we recall a similar story regarding the cocaine content of an Italian river). This leads us to wonder: What do you suppose the coke content of NYC's rivers would be? Surely the East River would make the Hudson look like a mere recreational user.

We pulled bank on hiring once, too. Then we came to work here instead, and, sadly, no longer pull bank.

Big news in TabloidTown: Daily News reveals that their rivals at the Post have ties to La Cosa Nostra.

It just keeps getting harder for people working at the Times: Now the editors are even posting staffers' performance reviews on the web.

Working in craft services, apparently. Now you know.

CNN answers the questions you never thought to ask:

See, they were on a first-syllable basis. Because she and Art Sulzberger were so tight.

And we always thought they were effeminate and fastidious.