Remember when we told you late last year that gonorrhea, an STD that can cause infertility and death, is "possibly becoming untreatable"? Well, now the disease is closer to untreatable than it has been since doctors devised a way to treat it in the first place. We're down to just one antibiotic that can effectively fight the disease, and after that, uhh, umm—have we tried fire?
In the fabled "golden age" of America, parents were able to rest easy knowing that their kids would have good schools to attend, safe neighborhoods in which to play, and ample cholesterol-enriched food to consume as they grew. No more. Schools are hell; parks are weed-infested; and children just like yours are eating food severely lacking in precious cholesterol. Is your child's internal reserve of cholesterol at risk?
Listen: you don't really need $100 athletic shoes. You don't really need Under Armour compression gear.
In case anxious people didn't have enough to worry about, there's this: minor psychological duress, like anxiety or mild depression, has now officially been linked to an early death. Which is to say, if you're a worrier and you get hurt, develop cancer, heart disease or practically any other illness, you're more likely to die from it than the calm, normal, well-adjusted people you know. Says the author of the study:
Guilt: are you carrying enough of it? Likely not. Do you even care about your children? You don't, do you? Don't lie—that's another thing to feel guilty about A new report has finally pinpointed exactly how much abuse you—whether through negligence, malice, or just some other vague action you didn't even think twice about—have inflicted on your poor, innocent children: a lot, probably.
Further discouraging news today for our fellow Americans suffering in the obesity epidemic: it turns out that having one's guts sliced open and then having a rubber ring tied around your stomach organ like a noose around a chicken neck may not be the breezy, no-hassle procedure that we had all imagined.
First of all let me just say that Crossfit is great. It's great! Crossfit will get your ass in shape. There's no question about it. I certainly am not going to say anything that would make thousands of people in "WODKILLA" t-shirts unduly angry. So it must be said, right up front: Crossfit is a very, very good workout thing.
When I'm out on the "lecture circuit" (out back of the 7-11), I'm always hearing you sad sack types whining about why you just can't get in shape. "I don't know how to get motivated," you sad sack types whine. "I don't have the motivation," you continue. It makes me so sick I just want to vomit out the 36-ounce Red Bull I just drank—for motivation!
Economic decline, unemployment, political strife, violence, taxes, crying kids, lazy spouses, broken homes, filthy streets, unwatered lawns, stubbed toes, cracked iPhone screens, food stuck in your teeth. Where does it end? Well, as if that weren't enough to worry about, add one more thing to the list: whooping cough. Yep. There's an outbreak right now. Worst one in half a century. Vaccines wearing off, and whatnot. As if we needed that. Ain't it always something?
"Did you see the news today? The scientists are saying that chocolate could be good for your blood circulation. Well I'll be. Who knew? Chocolate is a health food? No more going to the doctor for me! I have a bag of Hershey's Kisses, and that's a lot cheaper than health insurance! Oh, maybe I'll still go to my favorite doctor—Mr. Goodbar! Doctor Hershey's, I should say! I have a pill bottle—full of M&Ms! It does wonders! It always makes me feel better! Hey, I guess now you can eat whatever you want for dinner—as long as you have a chocolate sundae for dessert! Dessert is the new diet! I'm going on an all-chocolate diet—for my health! If chocolate is healthy, well, I'm a regular Olympic athlete! Send me to London—for the 100-meter chocolate dash! And swimming—in a pool of chocolate! I'd definitely win the gold medal! I hope it's just gold foil covering chocolate! I think I'll give up jogging and take up eating more! I've cut back my jogging to only one destination—the candy store! It's for my health, thank you! I'm giving up the Weight Watchers in favor of chocolate milkshakes—for my health! Hey, can these scientists have a little talk with my waistline? It doesn't seem to be listening to reason! I'm skipping the gym today and just eating chocolate instead—for my health! This is the greatest discovery since sliced bread—even better, actually, because I'm on a low-carb diet! Except for chocolate carbs! I have to eat those—doctor's orders! Chocolate—for my health! I approve this message!"
If an alien came down to earth from a faraway planet without any knowledge of fitness (and the alien had a human body and our same physiology and everything, shut up), I would take that alien to the gym and bring them directly to the area with all the treadmills. "This is the treadmill area. This is where you should spend your whole workout," I would tell the alien.
OK, are you sitting down?
Even though children are filthy, virus-carrying monsters, parents are significantly less likely to get the common cold than those without kids.
Imagine yourself trapped, in a small room, with no fancy accoutrements whatsoever. All you have is yourself. And time. You call out, but no one brings you any Gatorade, let alone Red Bull. You feel like one of those mimes, just moving your hands around and being unpopular. Is this the end of your fitness career? Is there any way out of this trap?
