Let's cut the bullshit and stop the rigmarole and quit giving this the runaround, shall we? This joke internet column is purportedly about fitness, and that means that it is, before anything else, about squats. You want to talk about fitness without talking about squats? I will spit on your grave, after you die. That is an appropriate reaction on my part. This is that serious.

The First Lady is not making many friends in the cranberry industry.

The hot new drug kids are abusing is sold over the counter. It's cheap, it's easy to access, and children readily slather it all over their bodies for the full effect.

You wrenched your neck. You sprained your ankle. You tweaked your back. You banged your knee. You tore your rotator cuff. You cracked your toe. You have plantar fascitis. You have bursitis. You have arthritis. You jammed your finger, broke your nose, lost a tooth, and you really hope that shooting pain in your chest is just a passing heart attack, rather than broken ribs.

Happy Father's Day, dads.

Max Page, the adorable little boy who dressed up as Darth Vader in last year's Super Bowl Volkswagen commercial, was forced to undergo open-heart surgery to treat a congenital heart defect that has been plaguing him since he was three months old.

Yesterday, the internet held its breath at reports that Lindsay Lohan was being rushed to the hospital. Could this be the end for LiLo's tragic roller coaster of a life?

It's been over a month since we last reported on Aimee Copeland, the 24-year-old grad student suffering from a virulent case of necrotizing fasciitis. Since then, she has continued to make strides toward recovery, even refusing morphine during some of her procedures.

As if our nation's military men and women don't have enough to look forward to with low salaries, underfunded V.A. benefits, and our frequent launching of unnecessary wars in which they will die, they all have something else waiting for them when the fighting is done:

When you walk into a gym, or "gymnasium" as they're known on the streets, you'll find three distinct areas: a "cardio area," where boring people are doing things I don't even care about; a free weights area, where people are doing exercise; and a fitness machine area, where crippled people are doing physical rehab. "But hey," you exclaim stupidly, "I do the fitness machines, and I am not crippled!"

Aha, you have a new "fitness plan," eh? You got the hot new book from the NASM/ AFAA/ ISSA/ NFPT/ AFPA/ NCSF/ Oprah certified celebrity personal fitness trainer? The Super Secret Hot New Five Minute Sexy Body Workout and Hollywood Pineapple Diet? Plus the Bowflex Ab Rocker Nordictrac Cybex Chuck Norris Perfect Pushup machine? You've finally figured out the proper hydration and nutrition and training schedules to optimize your metabolism to Burn Fat While You Sleep? Congratulations on finally Unlocking The Code to Success.

Phone therapy is often considered as a temporary alternative to in-person therapy — when a doctor or patient is traveling, for example, or in an emergency. But a new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association suggests that phone therapy alone can effectively treat depression.

The good news about Sheryl Crow's brain tumor is that it's benign. The bad news is that it might be affecting her memory.

Oh, there you are, young black women! Didn't see you there. Yes, well, come in, sit, sit, please. Sit on the good chair. How are you? Everything okay? School good? Good, good. Can I get you anything? Water? Soda? Well. Not soda. Haha. I mean... yes, well, I don't really know how to put this, but, we have a bit of bad news for you.

Is your child peeing the bed? It's time to have a mature and serious discussion about stool. Constipation and stool. The New York Times, a mature and serious news organization, has helpfully enlisted pediatric urologist Steve J. Hodges to write a blog post entitled, "When Bedwetting Isn't an ‘Accident.'" Doctor?

Smooth move by thinspirational pro-ana billionaire Mike Bloomberg: he'll ban big huge sodas that poor people drink, sure, but don't worry, people who actually vote and/ or donate money to political campaigns—your precious huge syrupy Starbucks quote sweetened coffee beverages unquote will be safe, because they contain milk.

There I was, at the gym, the other day, sitting there, on a piece of gym equipment, in between sets, taking a short break, a moment's rest, a slight breather, if you will, and along comes this gym guy, looking all gym-y, wearing his gym clothes, with his gym attitude, and he walks right up to me just as bold as you please, in his gym shorts, and he's all, while I'm sitting there, he's all, "Can I work in?"

If you're as American as I assure you I am, don't even look it up, then you can't be limited to just regular old sugar. Regular sugar is white, but "this land is your land" (multicultural). When you get a mighty hunger after driving your pickup truck to the American football games, nothing will hit that "sweet spot" except for some delicious real corn sugar. Whoops, sorry—the government bureaucrats aren't "okay" with that.

A 24-year-old woman in Spain gave birth to a baby boy — not terribly newsworthy, except for the fact that she'd already had an abortion.

In the world of "fitness," there are a few distinct "tribes" that you see everywhere: the "weekend warriors," who come and go with the seasons; the "health nuts," always on that treadmill and drinking the soy milk shakes; and then the real life bodybuilders, who are, to a person, bizarre, inhuman freakazoids. (Not saying that in a judgmental way.)