health

Bed Is for Sexing, Not Sleep-Texting

Lauri Apple · 11/23/11 07:48AM

The latest stress- and technology-related affliction that is destroying relationships and lives around the world is sleep-texting: a "rare condition" in which people "send incoherent text messages while asleep to their friends and family." There is no known cure, besides keeping your phone out of the bedroom.

Peruvian Tap Water Makes You Gay, Warns Mayor

Seth Abramovitch · 11/23/11 04:07AM

The mayor of the coastal town of Huarmey in Peru told a crowd that he was concerned their tap water contained dangerously high levels of strontium — a metal which he claimed reduces male hormones, increasing the risk of homosexuality among those who drink it.

Stabbing Your Kids Is Okay Now

Hamilton Nolan · 11/21/11 04:44PM

Acupuncture kids! Stem cells! Text bullies! Boundary effect! Pig drugs! Tainted jerky! Elderly pain! Light brains! And the super Greek diet that will save us all! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—pointedly!

Alleged 'J.Lo Butt' Scam Artist Finally Arrested by the Feds

Lauri Apple · 11/18/11 06:11AM

How many American butts had to develop "hard lumps, ripples, skin discolorations, and infections" before alleged, unauthorized butt enhancer Kimberly Smedley was arrested by federal agents last month? Perhaps we'll never know. But we'll definitely sleep more soundly knowing that America's butts are being protected from her silicone-stuffed syringes.

Despite His Name, Buzz Lightyear is Not a Sex Toy, Guys

Seth Abramovitch · 11/18/11 01:26AM

If you, like me, are a big fan of nonfiction, then you'll want to add Stuck Up! 125 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn't Be to your holiday reading list, and pronto. Who wouldn't want to curl up to a roaring fire this Christmas with a definitive compendium of funny things stuck inside people's bodily cavities? Sure, slowly squatting onto a 12-Inch Karate Action Buzz Lightyear might sound like a good idea after a couple of grams of high-grade crystal methamphetamine; it's the journey back to Earth that isn't always quite so pleasant. (And if you think that's bad, you should see what happened to the guy's Woody.) [Stuck Up! via TMZ]

Stretching: Useless As Well As Ridiculous-Looking

Hamilton Nolan · 11/16/11 05:05PM

Bone shaving! Mud runs! Tinsel Korey! Workout faux-pas! Terry's fitness! Stretching controversy! Boxing trainers! Exercise strategy! And the last overtraining question you'll ever need to ask! It's your Wednesday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—dynamically!

Better Talk to Your Kids About Sex All the Time

Hamilton Nolan · 11/15/11 05:34PM

Sex talk! Chewing tobacco! Cholesterol drugs! Womb psychology! Weight coaching! Baby abdomen! Kiwi heart! Medication erection! And hearing loss, say what? Haha. It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—age-appropriately!

Idiot Doctors Blame Man's Pain on a Past Hysterectomy

Lauri Apple · 11/12/11 04:05PM

When New Zealander Les Kennington, who is a man, visited a health clinic complaining about severe stomach pains, doctors suggested that his past hysterectomy might be to blame. They know he had a hysterectomy because his medical report says so. Why does it say so, though, given that Kennington is a man?

Brain Dead People Actually Thinking 'Dang' The Whole Time

Hamilton Nolan · 11/10/11 05:05PM

It's indescribably sad when a once-vibrant human—due to accident or illness—is forced into a brain-dead "vegetative state." The only solace is the knowledge that their mind has been freed from the worries of this world. Wrong.

Woman's Amnesia Is No Match for Paris Hilton's Omnipotent Face

Lauri Apple · 11/10/11 06:47AM

Canadian researchers have been studying a 22-year-old woman and lifelong amnesiac who can't remember the faces of anyone unfamiliar or non-famous. Show her a photo of baby-voiced celebutante Paris Hilton, however, and she has almost no trouble identifying who it is. Paris Hilton's face will not be stopped.

Drugs Linked to Sex, More Drugs, Then More Sex

Hamilton Nolan · 11/09/11 04:13PM

Sodium diet! Obesity drug! Autism brain! Sickness debt! Exercise aging! Digestion difficulty! Drug sex! Fruit interactions! And a stern reminder to never trust those "doctors!" It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with malice!

You Don't Have to Get Old But You Do Have to Die

Hamilton Nolan · 11/04/11 03:28PM

Drug approval! Earthquake danger! Child risks! Ending aging! Cancer marathon! Texas therapy! Pneumonia vaccination! Robot walking! And a whole new way of looking at regulation! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with a heavy heart!

Prisoner Given Aspirin to Treat Tumors Still Has Tumors, Surprisingly

Lauri Apple · 11/04/11 06:59AM

Paul Parisi, a prisoner at Stateville Correctional Center in Illinois, suffers from fibroneuroma—a disease that causes benign tumors to form on his nerve cells. When Parisi's illness started causing him severe pains, he asked his (taxpayer-subsidized) prison doctors to treat him. So they gave him some (free) aspirin and ibuprofen, the end.

Sleep Alone, Mess Up Your Baby

Hamilton Nolan · 11/01/11 04:25PM

Freshman 15! Conjoined twins! Breast milk! Wino diet! Lonely sleepers! Yoga pain! Soda targeting! Cold flu! And some health facts just aren't funny! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—supportively!

The President Is 'Tobacco Free'

Max Read · 10/31/11 05:48PM

As certified by his physician, President Obama is "tobacco-free," just like an herbal cigarette. He weighs a healthy 181 pounds, is physically active, eats healthy, and "on occasion drinks alcohol in moderation," which makes him a very bad Muslim.

Dragonflies Are Humongous Cowards

Hamilton Nolan · 10/28/11 04:11PM

Tumbleweed comeback! Aspirin cancer! Goosebump fear! Star molecules! Cowardly dragonflies! Fish labeling! Python organs! Spider foreplay! And outer space's most popular costumes! It's your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—with bravado!