HPV boys! Chest X-rays! Aging secrets! Bat disease! Old pacemakers! Filthy surface! Coffee protection! Super broccoli! And gurl U no U better keep taking that birth control! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in technicolor!
For once in its life, science has done something actually useful, and taught us all a valuable lesson: strawberries can help protect your stomach (an essential organ) from alcohol (an essential coping mechanism).
I've got news for you: everything you're doing to keep yourself healthy is worthless. Well, by "you" I mean "people who do yoga and take vitamins and generally try to be healthy." I know you just sit around on the internet all day. The point is: it doesn't matter, because you're wasting your time either way.
Chambered nautilus! Flying satellite! Supernova mystery! Cycad fossils! Ancient art! Geoengineering recognition! Black scientists! Mastodon extinction! And crazy birds think they can fly around with nail heads? That's crazy! It's your Monday Science Watch, where we watch science—explosively!
Gel vagina! Too salty! Letrozole victory! Salad sal-monella! Teen IQs! Proton babies! Skeptical docs! Malaria vaccine! And women laugh like this, while guys laugh like this! Right, fellas? It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—masculariously!
Think of "fruits" and "vegetables" like parsley. Parsley is a vegetable. And here in America, we use fruit and vegetables the same way that we use parsley: as window dressing, as a little green thing that makes the real food (Cheez) look better.
Is your child younger than two years old? Has your child ever caught a glimpse of your household television set in the "on" mode? Congratulations: you're raising a loser.
Candy medicine! Preemie autism! Medical marijuana! Shy teens! Sick Americans! Aggressive kids! Down's fetus! Coyote cloning! And kids these days can't seem to do a god damn thing healthily! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—nurturingly!
Doctors are baffled at the case of Nguyen Thi Phuong, a 26-year-old Vietnamese woman who says that an allergic reaction caused her skin to sag and wrinkle, effectively aging her 50 years in just a few days.
Romance-defiling reality hag Patti Stanger has been shilling hard for Sensa — "the weight-loss system" you "sprinkle on your food" (active ingredient: 100% horseshit) — on commercials that run during her Bravo reality show, Millionaire Matchmaker. Well, a reader who gave Sensa a shot wrote in to share her experiences with the miracle product, and we thought we would in turn share them with you.
Steve Jobs had a mild form of cancer that is not usually fatal, but seems to have ushered along his own death by delaying conventional treatment in favor of alternative remedies, a Harvard Medical School researcher and faculty member says. Jobs's intractability, so often his greatest asset, may have been his undoing.
Fat running! Bad vitamins! Low tuberculosis! Peanut allergies! Woman chocolate! Restless legs! Baby talk! Cereal sugar! And your child's selfishness is all too astounding! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—fruitlessly!
In case you were thinking about heading to Britain and having a ton of unprotected sex—don't! Because the United Kingdom's Health Protection Agency believes that its septic little archipelago is "heading to a point when [gonorrhea] is incurable unless new treatments can be found."
Science stars! Kraken lair! Saturn rings! Persistent chemist! Envious mind! Foreign insects! Baltimore telescope! Ancient language! And a serious geological epochal debate! It's your Monday Science Watch, where we watch science—perilously!
Cholesterol diabeetus! Docto procto! Death surgery! Concussion athletes! Cantaloupe killers! Cell harvest! Cialis excuses! Man breasts! And you monkeys won't get away with this, after all! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—on the real!
You may think that you're one of those "good" parents. You read to your kids at night, and you don't let them play with guns, and you stripped most of the lead paint out of the playroom. Well, according to the latest scientific study, it's safe to give up. Your kids will inevitably die of McChicken-related diabetes sooner or later, no matter what you do.
Addiction vaccine! HIV contraceptive! Lazy walkers! Alien snails! Autism therapy! Pregnancy diet! Drunk driving! Sun vitamins! And Alzheimer's is already creeping into you, right now! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—strenuously!
Beetle colors! Beetle invasion! Clam fish! Beetle fighting! Beetle resignation! Beetle fear! Beetle immigration! Penguin smell! And beetle beetle beetles all up in your house! It's your Thursday Science Watch, where we watch science—creepily!
