For a while now Reebok has been selling its dumb fake "EasyTone" shoes that allegedly tone your butt (ladies), using magic. If you believed that Reebok EasyTone shoes would tone your butt, you are dumb. Well, now Reebok has to pay $25 million, for fooling you.

Cancer sex! Coffee women! Insurance cost! Doctor complaints! Fatherhood hearts! Diarrhea pools! Killer cantaloupes! Sleepy teens! And cheese is coming to take your soul to hell! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—inappropriately!

You know how your boozy friend Kathleen always pours that third glass of pinot noir and then says, "It's good for your blood pressure anyway." Well, apparently that lush Kathleen is wrong.

Aside from the issues of safety and the ongoing bike lane wars there's another reason that riding your bike in the city sucks: it makes your lungs black.

Reverse magnets! Dog robot! Cramped fish! Hair story! Cell swallowing! Cool science! Space storm! Fake planets! And studying abuse reveals that everything she said was true! It's your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—with soul!

Bedbug death! Brain collection! Obesity drug! Depression stroke! Lung cancer! Sexxxy kids! Soup disease! Killer cantaloupe! And young people who think they're pret-ty damn clever! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—before you're ready!

Frozen feathers! Getting shorter! Asteroid redemption! NASA engineers! Weight brain! Giant telescopes! Desperate dolphins! Indian frogs! And hypothetical questions with real world consequences! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—like ka-blow!

Are you a pretty savvy and health conscious person who maintains a slim and attractive physique along with the body of a much younger human by dining solely on "all natural" foodstuffs? Congrats, good for you. You are dumb.

Using Foldit, a collaborative online game that any old schmuck with a computer can download for free off the Internet, some video game players have solved a complicated monkey-virus puzzle that has confounded scientists for more than a decade. Are scientists stupid?

Metal hips! NYC smoking! Laughter medicine! Milk drinking! Teen vaccine! Child poison! Arnica healing! China babies! And smooth, smooth magnetic kiddie weirdos! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while we must be trippin!

During Tuesday night's Republican presidential debate, Michele Bachmann attacked Texas Gov. Rick Perry for signing an executive order requiring teenage girls to be vaccinated against HPV, claiming the vaccine could cause mental retardation. Like most everything else she says, Bachmann was completely wrong. On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart and Kristen Schaal hilariously took her to task for it.

The condition known as Gulf War syndrome is said to affect 25 percent of Gulf War veterans, and is characterized by memory loss, lack of concentration, fatigue, neuropathic pain and depression. The Defense Department has argued for years that it is not, in fact, a treatable physiological condition, but rather a "form of combat stress." But scientists have just proven the opposite: It's conclusively the result of brain damage due to exposure to sarin nerve gas.

Bad news for West Coast junkies (is there really any other kind of news for junkies?): Two cases of suspected botulism in Seattle have been blamed on tainted black tar heroin, in addition to four recently in Texas, according to the Los Angeles Times. It's especially bad because the only real way to find out your stash is tainted is to contract botulism!

Pain measurement! Pyromania analysis! NASA rocket! Hefty bacteria! Galaxy shapes! Hot summer! Murderous bird! Flying snails! And scientists playing with hoses for fake experiments! It's your Wednesday Science Watch, where we watch science—in agony!

Some (different) people are so convinced that Wi-Fi and mobile phones are making them sick that they're moving to West Virginia's 13,000 square-mile U.S. Radio Quiet Zone, which has no wireless technology so as to avoid interfering with the local telescope. Hey, if Wi-Fi makes trees sick, why not humans?

Immune cancer! Alpha males! Child naps! Hospital sepsis! Kidney disease! Erectile cure! More diabetes! Designer drugs! And you won't want to miss today's fruit that will kill you! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—opioidally!

One of the great mysteries of humankind—Why do my fingers get all wrinkly during baths?—has maybe-possibly been solved. Says science: "Much like the tread on a tire, [raisin fingers] improve traction." Sure, that sounds reasonable. Apparently the nervous system controls the wrinkle response, and it has nothing to do with bloating or water absorption. [Well, BrainBehavior&Evolution, Image via Afronova/Shutterstock]

If you don't have the money for plastic surgery, it's best not to take the home remedy approach. That's what 63-year-old Janet Hardt of Homewood, Illinois, did, and now she's dead! Except the coroner says the rendered beef fat she was injecting around her mouth and chin in a misguided — and delicious! — attempt at reducing wrinkles was not, in fact, what killed her.

When scientists insert rhesus macaque genes plus jellyfish genes into unfertilized cat eggs, the cats that result post-fertilization are resistant to feline immunodeficiency virus, which causes feline AIDS. They also glow fluorescent green under "special" lights. What if you do this to human eggs?

As if global warming hasn't already done enough for us, guess what we're gearing up for now? That's right: "one of the worst, and longest, allergy seasons yet." Don't worry, we're here to help!