Mental game! Lupus drug! Elderly tech! Menopause needles! Cancer survivors! Cigarette sales! Tainted beef! Premature drugs! And the total crumbling of American healthcare! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—laughing, but really crying!

New research by a team of American doctors indicates that people living in England are healthier than people living in the United States. And no one knows why!

Hormone diets! Slow eating! Teen dying! Teen drinking! Greek eating! Urethra growing! Big loser-ing! Cartoon food! And incompetent old people driving around dangerously! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—unconventionally!

Sleep losers! Stomach pacemakers! Pork sloganeers! Cadmium poisoners! Cancer fallers! Food fighters! Proton inhibitors! Mite worriers! And puppy survivors! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with little to no equilibrium!

You know what rules about being happy? Besides not ever staying up till three in the morning wondering if it's even morally right to bring a child into the world, at this point? This is what rules about happiness: You live longer! And you're healthier! Yes, a review of more than a hundred studies confirms: Happy people have every right to be smug, the bastards.

A new CDC survey of Americans and their people-fucking preferences contains at least two valuable pieces of information. First, that kids these days are getting laid less; "the proportion of 15- to 24-year-olds who have had some kind of sex dropped in the past decade from 78 percent to about 72 percent." And second, that ladies love ladies; "Twice as many women reported any same-sex contact in their lifetimes compared with men (13% of women and 5.2% of men)."

Despite having a diet that consists solely of french fries with gravy, weird bacon-ham, and moose brains, Canadians are still significantly less obese ("less obese" is where we're at these days, "skinnier" went out the window long ago) than their neighbors to the south. Namely, us. Yes, a study released today shows that 34% of Americans are obese versus 24% of Canadians. What gives?

What's worse than sticking your hand down a public toilet? Gripping a shopping cart, apparently. A new study conducted by researchers at the University of Arizona found that of 87 shopping cart handles examined, 72 percent had markers for fecal matter. And of those 87 carts, 36 had E. coli. Just how bad is that?

Child fever! Nicotine gum! Obesity docs! Baby times! Optimistic death! Lying teenagers! Running job! Women smoking! And menthol vindication! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with a minimally acceptable level of competence!

A new study shows that optimists—with their grating sunshiney perceptions and Pollyanna attitudes—live longer after major surgery. This is just another reason for people to obnoxiously insist that we smile.

A new study examining rates of Human Papilloma Virus—the virus that can cause genital warts, as well as certain kinds of cancer—infection found that as many as half of men in the general population could be infected. In their genitals!

Pregnancy stress! Suzanne Somers cures cancer! Kidney transplant fight! Elderly STDs! Locked in happiness! Lady PTSD! Boxing fitness! Charlie Sheen rehab! And monster testing! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—one child at a time!

Do you know how many new varieties of toothpaste were released in the U.S. last year? Sixty nine. And that's positively modest compared to the 102 new kinds released in 2007. Why so many? Well:

Last week, the House of Representatives voted to defund Planned Parenthood, mainly because it provides abortions, even though its federal funding can't go toward abortions. Tonight, Jon Stewart tackled that issue and poked fun at some famous anti-abortion Republicans.

A new study suggests that electromagnetic radiation from cellphones has a direct, measurable impact on brain cells. The catch: We don't know if it matters.

Woman smells! Animal behavior! Old people brains! STD testing! Allergies forever! Oil cleanup health! Fat dogs! Fat surgery! From death to business! And other conventional wisdom! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with ulterior motives!

Don't feel guilty about your terrible delivery food habits. When you are old and infirm, they might just save your life! One such person, an old lady pizza enthusiast who has ordered from a Memphis Domino's every day for three years, can fully attest to this fact.

Is "Michelle Obama is Fat" a thing now? Because conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh spent part of his Monday show strongly implying that the first lady is, like, portly (you can listen by clicking below)—

On Valentine's Day, surgeons at the University of California San Diego performed the most romantic procedure possible: They installed a second heart in 36-year-old Tyson Smith's chest, so he could have "two hearts beat as one."

Wasp wands! Greenhouse gases! Ecological disaster! Pill mills! HIV photography! Mind driving! Baby blaming! Bone marrow prices! And the lions of the sea, revealed! It's your Monday Science Watch, where we watch science—for the time being!