Gorillas are so much like us! Not in the sense that they're magical creatures filled with empathy and understanding or whatever; in the sense that the ones who live in the U.S. are fat-asses dying of heart disease who love to throw up eat their own vomit in order "to taste sugar again and again." Really! Heart disease is the number-one killer among the type of gorillas that live in the U.S., and zoo gorillas really do barf up their meals and eat them again, apparently four times an hour on average—even though their diet consists entirely of totally delicious-looking, definitely healthy and not-at-all gross red vitamin biscuits!

Runner's high! Job vs. health! Sex vs. skinny! Cola cancer! Dwarf salvation! Crib mishaps! Geographic exercise aversion! Smoke-free hotels! And lap bands for the rest of us! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch health—while choosing, poorly!

A review of existing studies undertaken by the nonprofit Cochrane Collaboration seems to show that zinc, of all things, can help reduce the length of, and ward off, the common cold. And! The study comes after another Cochran Collaboration review that found that Vitamin C supplements are more or less useless when it comes to colds. So! Zinc it is. Now, because the amount of zinc taken in the studies varied, the Cochrane researchers don't have any specific dosage recommendations, so don't get too excited. And, uh, also, "some zinc formulations had side effects including nausea, bad taste and diarrhoea." Still. Zinc! Who knew? [Telegraph; image via Shutterstock]

Birth control extortion! Female gay condoms! Plastic beating hearts! Frozen vegetables! Tap dancing! Fiber to live! Greasy teenagers! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in what we consider a positive way!

Brain friends! Comet comparisons! DNA crime laws! Energy drink deceptions! Monster phalanges! Space sex! It's your Monday Science Watch, where we watch science—friendlessly, endlessly, relentlessly!

Is smoking marijuana making you bad at sex? "Recent research—including the finding that the penis contains receptors for marijuana's active ingredient—suggests that young men may want to think about long-term effects before rolling a joint," writes LiveScience. Dr. Rany Shamloul of the University of Ottawa, Queen's University in Canada and the University of Cairo (Wow! Good for him!) tells the website, "it's a strong message to our younger generations and younger men." Indeed!

The ongoing War on Smoking, having already eroded your inalienable right to smoke in various public locations of your choice, is taking things to a whole nother level: they are going to quite literally blacklist smokers, refusing to hire them and even mandating piss tests for tobacco, to ensure that smokers remain unemployed, depressed, and smoky.

1 in 5 syphilis tests give false positives, according to a new study. Wow! Guess it's a tiny bit better than the other way around.

A new report shows a 51 percent increase in strokes among men 15-34 from 1994-2006. Scientists speculate this is due to a rise in obesity. 15!? When our kids are losing function in the right sides of their body before losing their virginity, something is very wrong. [Image via Shutterstock]

Breast cancer shocker! Gum healthiness! Lonely exercising! Teen girl suicide! Young strokes! Egg cholesterol! Diet soda heart attack! Baby obesity! And L.A.'s official guide to ecstasy! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while rolling, in the official style!

Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, who's doing rehab in Texas after being shot in the head last month, asked for toast this morning! And while these weren't her first words, her office confirms that she's been speaking more often frequently.

Doctors in Great Britain have successfully tested a flu vaccine that—by targeting proteins common to all flu viruses—works against all strains of influenza. So, we might not all get wiped out by some mutant bird flu after all!

On Saturday, 49-year-old Belgian runner Stefaan Engels completed his 365th marathon. In a row. That's 9,569 miles in seven different countries, averaging about four hours a marathon. Dude: There are easier ways to get book deals.

"The whole world is getting fatter, except perhaps for the women of Italy and Singapore." Skanks.

Diet drug failure! Dogs sniff cancer! Tonsil weight gain! Fantasy camp aging! Workouts destroy marriage! HIV teen pregnancy! Nevada hates children! And table saws kill! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health.

Military scientists have invented spray-on skin: By applying a thin film of stem cells over a burn victim's wound, they can regrow skin in a matter of days. National Geographic documents one man's recovery.

Eating instructions! Stair running! Five Hour Energy! Ballet bodies! Polar bear workout! Polio elimination! Winter blues! Exercise brain! Diabetes everywhere! As well as racist doctors! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—again and again, unsuccessfully!

Kool Herc, the Bronx DJ who invented the break beat and thereby became the Thomas Jefferson of hip hop, spawned a musical genre that has made countless people millionaires. Not Herc, though; he's reportedly sick and broke.

Oral sex is totally awesome, which means it must be bad for you in some way. And now we know how! Apparently, a rise in certain kinds of cancer may be thanks to all the oral sex everyone has nowadays.

People fossils! Dinosaur fossils! Sexy science! Cheating ladies! Lucky black hearts! Weights losing weight! Faraway planets! Implant perils! Monster alfalfa! And black holes that trip you out! It's your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—with forgiveness!