Are you aware that the UN has declared 2013 to be "The Year of Quinoa?" How are you participating in the global quinoa uprising?

You know how it is: you're a man. A red-blooded man. You enjoy consuming steaks, lifting iron in the gymnasium, and fucking your woman like, every day. But when you get older things change. To maintain your manhood, have you considered sucking estrogen from a fertile woman's body, like a vampire?

The US Department of Agriculture is planning to introduce a new program for safety inspections at pork plants across the nation. How is the new program different? It offers more poop in your meat.

If women are so much more likely than men to be "depressed," then how come men are always getting in fights and killing people and killing themselves and hollering, more than women? Spoiler: it's because men, too, are depressed.

A ray of hope in the global battle against obesity today, courtesy of "The Flemish Gut Flora Project," one of Scandinavia's most respected gut flora projects.

Scientists have always believed that, as you get older, you look all worn down and old, and hell, that's just the way it is, tough shit. But a groundbreaking new study says that, like everything else screwed up about you, this is something that you can blame on your mom.

Soda is a nutritious beverage that will aid your physical health with all sorts of micro-probiotic-raw-superfood wellness, said no one. It's not good thing to put in your body and we all know that. Soda's effect on the mind and behavior has not been so frequently observed. Now, a study in the Journal of Pediatrics connects drinking too much soda to behavioral problems and violence in young kids.

Just a little bit of extra sugar doubles the death rate for female mice. “Sugar is a poison by itself when consumed at high doses.”

A new study shows that raising cigarette taxes may also lead to lower alcohol consumption, because if you can't chain smoke while getting drunk, then fuck it.

Kids these days are straight up zooted and bouncing off the emergency room walls, thanks to copious supplies of Adderrall and Ritalin and all the other ADHD drugs that they got from you. (They learned it by watching you, okay?) If we'd simply been giving our kids Vivarin this whole time, none of this would have happened.

Alert, medical professionals: television doctor and 2003 People magazine "Sexiest Man Alive" runner-up Sanjay Gupta now supports medical marijuana. Please update your science textbooks.

Ever heard those theories about how smokers thrive in the workplace because they get in so much networking on their little smoke breaks? Sure, fine. Great for smokers. Now let's snitch about how much smokers cost their employers.

Ever since the beginning of the "War on Terror" and its associated actual wars, suicides among members of the U.S. military have been rising. Suicide is now the leading cause of death for soldiers; among veterans, it's just as bad. But a new study says that military deployments are not the cause.

Better stock up on Newports while you still can.

There are some things that make you reminisce wistfully on your own childhood and realize, "yeah, things were better back then." Like today's so-called "music." Or today's so-called "fashion." Or when Taco Bell announces they're ending their kids meals.

Penn State is requiring employees to get a "biometric screening, including a 'full lipid profile' and glucose, body mass index and waist circumference measurements" or pay a $100 monthly insurance surcharge. Penn State's president is Benito Mussolini.

What is it about a man who once smoked— but quit— that makes him so raffishly attractive to employers, not to mention chicks? I've often wondered that in my own idle moments, when not fending off advances from Fortune 500 recruiting officers. All science knows for sure: someone who's stopped smoking is a business powerhouse.

Manhattan residents have an odd tendency of thinking they are "better" than everyone else in their city, state, nation, and planet, just because they live in the borough "where it all happens," or some other falsehood that hasn't been true since Woody Allen's heyday. Sadly, they have a point.

Having failed to curb soda cup sizes, NYC mayor Mike Bloomberg has a new public health initiative: he is working to convince New Yorkers to take the stairs. This will accomplish nothing.

The latest numbers are in. They're grim. Take a seat. Take a deep breath. Prepare yourself for what we're about to tell you. Parents of America, we regret to inform you: only 5% of your teens are daily smokers. What the fuck is going on?