The good news is that Americans are living longer. The bad news is that our extended time on this patch of earth is increasingly marked by the ceaseless, ever-building procession of misery. At least we have cable.

Once upon a time in the Good Old Days, "Europe" was a sophisticated land across the sea full of jazz musicians and sexually adventurous women, and all of them were smoking cigarettes sexily like there was no tomorrow. Those days are dead now. Europe is on its way to becoming just another sanitized smokeless place that sells chocolates.

Bad news, patriots: According to a new UN study, America is no longer the most obese country among more populous nations. That honor, which, according to another study, Americans held as recently as March, now belongs to Mexico.

According to a new article from the Center for Investigative Reporting, 148 female inmates in California were sterilized from 2006 to 2010 without the procedures going through required state vetting.

"Turns out, scientists say, that those who [run a 200 mile ultramarathon] show less neuromuscular fatigue, muscle damage and inflammation when compared with those athletes who take the easy way out with 100 miles."

Thirdhand smoke will fuck you up just like secondhand smoke.

In addition to just generally being good for you, as noted previously, slimming down to a healthy weight can improve your memory and increase brain activity.

"This is the unhealthiest thing a Canadian has done since everything the mayor of Toronto has done."

Scientific studies show that the vast majority of Americans are not doctors. That does not, however, prevent Americans from medicating themselves with "alternative" medicines and supplements, as if they were doctors. Why are we Americans so dumb?

Lack of sleep makes you stupid, vulnerable, cancerous, ugly, fat, diabetic, depressed, diseased, infected, angry, moody, inattentive, forgetful, slow, and, eventually, DEAD. When will you learn? Oh right, you're too tired.

In most of America, eating disorders disproportionately afflict young women, rather than young men. But in Los Angeles, almost as many boys as girls are vomiting and using laxatives to lose weight. What's to blame? Uh... Channing Tatum and Twitter?

Today marks the arrival of two new prescription drugs designed to help Americans lose weight. For hundreds of dollars per month, clinically obese Americans will be able to purchase cutting-edge chemistry that is less effective than just taking long walks sometimes.

Buttery crusader Paula Deen was just foolin' when she said she would cut the copious slabs of butter out of her cooking. This was a bait and switch because museum subject Paula Deen has a whole brand of butter.

Pay attention, beauty-loving Americans: the jack-booted thugs of Big Government are coming to take away your right to burn people's skin with a laser without any medical training whatsoever.

The American College of Sports and Medicine released their annual ranking of the fifty largest metropolitan areas based on fitness and health, creating a baseline of the most athletic and fit cities in the U.S.

It's been well established that it sucks to be unemployed. And that it sucks to be undereducated. And that (in terms of socioeconomic equality) it sucks to be a woman (IN THE PATRIARCHY). And that it sucks to be white (no explanation necessary). Now, we know that the combination of all these things will, in fact, kill you.

The Ministry of Health in Saudi Arabia reported that three more people fell victim to the deadly new respiratory virus, MERS. The total number of deaths, internationally, is now at 30.

A new study has found that Americans are absolutely terrible— I mean way, way off— when it comes to estimating how many calories are in their fast "food" meals. It's probably better that way.

If there are two things Germans have traditionally loved, it's purity and beer. Now, according to a German brewers association, both are at risk because of a potential law that would legalize fracking in the country.

Science now says if you get a wound, you should rub dirt in it. Or, I guess, go to a hospital.