The Way We Live Now: Celebrating the infallibility of economics. Why doesn't the mainstream media inform you of the upside of this recession? For every drawback, there's a draw-forward. You don't see everyone taking sick days any more, do you?

Who says that Americans are a bunch of lazy suckers who believe that they can get in shape only by purchasing video games and fancy gizmos? Now, Americans know they must instead purchase magic swimsuits and pseudoscientific shoes. Fitness ahoy!

Remember when H1N1 was going to infect and kill everyone on Earth unless, of course, we all purchased Tamiflu©? Shocker: The scientists who drafted the WHO's governmental advisories to stockpile drugs were paid consultants to the drug's producers.

The official North Korean news agency KCNA has announced the development of a new drink that is loaded with all-natural "microelements" that can reproduce brain cells and halt skin aging. Added bonus: "The drink has no side-effect."

Looking to bulk up for the beach, little guy? Might want to think twice about that Muscle Milk© and MuscleTech Nitro-Tech Hardcore™ powder. That is, unless you don't mind a little extra lead and arsenic floating around inside your body.

Back fat! Artery gunk! Acupuncture science! Butterfly strokes! Bald death! Coke problems! It's your fundamentally important Health Watch, where we watch your health—assuming you're human, which we do!

Feeling young and free while blowing lines in the bathroom of some glitzy LES rat hole? Well, you won't look young for long. Scientists are finding that 80% of impure cocaine in the US contains a chemical that rots flesh.

Even controlling for the fact that people who don't brush are more unhealthy, British scientists found that brushing your teeth twice a day reduces your risk of heart disease. Unlike all those bullshit cancer studies, this is real science. [SciAm]

E. coli-infested food! Metal-infested drugs! Fancy-infected doctors! Whooping-infested coughs! Harlem-infested hospitals! And liver-infested poop! It's your lifesaving Health Watch, where we watch your health—while infested with wisdom!

The latest in NYC's ongoing terrorism campaign of anti-smoking ads reveals: your lungs are made of bubble wrap, and everyone knows cigarettes pop bubble wrap. Whatever. As long as we can keep all our fingers, we're okay. [Copyranter at AnimalNY]

Recession health! Exercise sleep! Executive workouts! Cornhole fever! And tainted supplements poisoning you from the inside out, ironically! It's your Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—while shopping for creatine, mmm!

Deadly sunscreen! Hooters fat! Soda hypertension! Vaccine kids! Dirty blood! Swimming babies! Swallowing batteries! It's your super-scientific Health Watch, where we watch your health—while developing firm opinions on issues too technical for us to grasp!

Ever hear of phthalates? They are esters that help plasticize things like rain coats and shower curtains, and they make body lotions smell nice. They also may be causing young men to develop in "several ways less completely masculine."

Dad blues! Lying scum! Super olds! Hammerheads! Psychobabble! Birdbrains! It's your long-awaited Science Watch, where we watch science—with eyes jutting out both sides of our toothy voracious skull!

Look at what hippie school Berkeley is doing now: getting DNA samples from incoming freshmen. Uh oh, has Berkeley finally turned into a totalitarian nightmare, just as its SDS chapter long suspected? No, of course there is a hippie justification.

Email fitness! Dirt babies! Hamburger guilt! Asthma fat! Calorie cuts! Happy longevity! It's your Health Watch, where we watch your health—while eating 100-calorie Twinkies, which are good, but small!

A new study from the Harvard School of Public Health claims that eating processed meats can increase the risk of heart disease by 42%, and type 2 diabetes by 19%. The main culprit here? Salt. Bloomberg was right! [Harvard, pic]

For the first time in 40 years Heinz is significantly changing its ketchup recipe, dropping current sodium levels by 15%. And they're being sneaky — no new label, meaning consumers will have to read the back nutrition panel! Blame Mike.

Joe Biden's son Beau "will soon be back up and running at full speed" after his mild stroke this week, according to weirdly-phrased message from his wife. One-third of similar patients have another stroke in the future. [Pic: AP]

Bullshit allergies! Rachael Ray eats in the cafeteria! Michelle Obama hates Happy Meals! Books are organic to eat! Dave Zinczenko does not speak English! It's your important Health Watch, where we watch your health—while sipping juice-like beverages!