Apple CEO Steve Jobs is "coping well with his health issues" and working full tilt, but he's struggling to put on weight, say associates. That sounds about right : It takes a vigorous man to piss this many people off.

Scientists speak: "consuming two handfuls of nuts a day appears to work better than one."

Horse therapy! Lettuce addicts! Healthy men! Bodega diets! Church workouts! Nursery cake! Food mockery! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—while snacking voraciously!

Arise from your stupor, Americans: it's a list of the Top 25 Psychiatric Meds of 2009! Are you feeling depressed, anxious, and panicked? Join the club. You're probably snoozy and suffering certain sexual side effects, too.

True story: just last week, we wished upon a star that Meme Roth, terribly entertaining psycho anti-fat Food Nazi Mom, would do something new, just so we could resurrect her here. Last night she was on teevee, angry about food!

No toys in your food! Poison in your food! Fire fight your food! Hot peppers are your food! An electronic device is the master of your food! It's your Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—while sucking a habanero!

Fat Qatar! Shortened lifespans! Jailbird junk food! Pot belly rights! Half of us are walking dead! It's your Health Watch, where we watch your health—if you buy us a hoagie!

Daniel Ruf died of "multi-organ system failure" while desperately exercising to join the Marines. His mother is now suing the recruiters, alleging they forced him to wear a "plastic suit" and work out in 100-degree-plus temperatures.

The NYC Department of Health released a report yesterday, "Women, Unprotected Anal Sex and HIV Risk," that says women use condoms far less than men when doing butt-related naughty things. They polled women between the ages of 18 and 64.

Remember that kid in college who came back from study abroad with a fake accent, because he became so Parisian he's all "Mon dieu, I have forgotten English"? A British lady has that, but it's neurological. Awk-ward. [MSN, Pic]

In the past three years, Apple CEO Steve Jobs has battled liver disease, undergone transplant surgery, and returned to run the multi-billion dollar company he co-founded. Now he's pushing for a state bill that may revolutionize California's organ donor system.

Alcoholics! Sexy sexing! Cancer rodents! Cancer guidos! And fat people who can't remember your name! It's health watch, where we watch your health—with a poor bedside manner!

The lead story in the New York Times Magazine's wellness issue this past weekend: "Does working out really help you lose weight?" A better question: Why doesn't the New York Times want to tell you the fitness truth?

Scientists are bashing minty tobacco-filled "Camel Orbs" candies, because they might get kids addicted to nicotine. "Nuh uh" a big tobacco spokesman retorts. When will scientists hop off the bitchy teen hater train, and onto the nicotine flavor train? [NYT]

According to a new study, health insurance companies invest $1.9 billion in the largest fast food chains. Last year, a study found they invested $4.5 billion in tobacco. Why don't they just pay cabbies to run people over, too? [CNN]

Dead moms! Body piercing! Fat baby diets! Fat drug diets! And somebody poking all up in your teeth, for your own good! It's health watch, where we watch your health—while getting our shine on, simultaneously!

The whole hallucinogens-as-medicine thing is back! Scientist are conducting very strict scientific tests on psychedelic drugs as a treatment for depression. Allow us to save the doctors some trouble. We present our own research findings on this important topic below.

Men! Women! Babies! Moms! Fruits! Vegetables! Cancer! Wormholes! Elements! And a whole lotta what-the-hey. It's your science watch column, where we watch science—with one foot on the event horizon!

As Weight Watchers battles disparaging remarks about its pseudoscientific experts, the company also faces a more existential threat: women who think they don't need to be on a diet. Whoa, who said that was okay?

Next time you're afraid you might get sick, don't bother with Airborne or Emergen-C or some other bullshit preventative elixir. Do what science tells you and look at pictures of sick people.