PHILADELPHIA — America’s political conventions should last for two days each at the very most. And they should happen in the fall.

Scientists say the number of annual “extreme heat” days in Los Angeles could increase by 800% over the course of this century. Good thing future L.A. residents will have futuristic air-conditioning in their self-driving cars as they sit in future sweltering traffic jams, wondering where their dreams went wrong.

Lo! What fresh horrors shall the demon gods of global warming be visiting upon humanity in the near future, according to relentlessly negative scientists? Well, killing grandma, for one.

As the East Coast of the U.S. enters the period where we complain about the heat before the heat has even begun, southern India is in the midst of a heatwave so severe that 750 people have died in under five weeks.

90 degrees and above is hot

Prisons in Texas are hot. Too hot for human beings.

Renters at the most expensive building in one of the most rapidly gentrifying neighborhoods in the least affordable housing market in America are receiving "insane" monthly heating bills of up to $700 for a two-bedroom apartment. Disabling the heat in all of Brooklyn's new condos could solve a lot of problems at once.

By law, the heat should be turned on in New York City apartments by now. Is the heat on in your apartment yet? Ha.

Hey, Southern California. How hot are you right now? Breaking a sweat? Throwing up from dehydration? Kvetching even in the A/C? Well, at least you aren't a bear. Think about that one.

The Bhut Jolokia, or "ghost pepper" was, for a time, the hottest pepper on the planet, as certified by the Guinness Book of World Records. It is definitely hotter than Tabasco sauce. One thousand people in Copenhagen downed one simultaneously as part of a spicy stunt put on by pepper enthusiast Claus Pilgaard. There were tears.

A young boy collects drinking water from a leaking pipeline in Jammu, India, on Monday. A heat wave has struck the northern plains of the country, with temperatures passing 113 degrees Fahrenheit in several places, leading to scarcity of water and frequent disruptions in power supply. Image via Channi Anand/AP.

The state of Texas has strict rules about how to handle dangerous heat on pig farms; not so in their non-air-conditioned prisons, where 14 inmates have reportedly died of heat exposure since 2007. A new report says the state is doing nothing to address the issue.

A "scorching" heat wave is breaking temperature records and causing fires across Australia. We all wish we were there.

The state of Texas has been the subject of multiple lawsuits over its insistence on killing state prisoners with heat stroke as they sit in jails without air conditioning. It turns out that Texas would not even subject actual swine to the same conditions.

Right now, it is 93 degrees in Central Park, according to the National Weather Service. It is on its way up to an expected high of 99 degrees, which is a brutal, sweltering temperature—the crest of a severe summer heat wave.

Now that we have officially entered the "hot as hell" portion of the year, it's time for a certain type of elitist East Coast male to begin his annual smear campaign targeted at the wearing of shorts by men. Who will be brave enough to stand up for the righteousness of the shorts-wearing man? We will.

Are you enjoying this July we're having? Yeah you should because it's probably going to be America's HOTTEST MONTH EVER.

Last month, we learned that that great state of Texas would rather let prisoners die of heat stroke than install air conditioning in its state prisons, because, hey, who cares, honestly? One reader pointed us to a related Texas prison story that is even worse: a facility with no water.

A few weeks ago, the Food & Drug Administration released a statement on its Consumer Updates page reminding parents that becoming sunburned, dehydrated, or severely overheated is bad for a baby.

Uh oh, everyone panic: the temperature outdoors is not cold. Repeat: it is not cold outside. Well, gee, the only reasonable reaction to this state of affairs is to run a huge unwieldy power-sucking machine which will use massive amounts of energy in order to return our indoor space to its natural state—frigidity.