Life is an electrocardiogram in which indignities and downtime are rendered as valleys and peaks, respectively. These are the locations and conditions in which celebs found themselves this week:

In a word: yes. In seven words: Tim Gunn says, "Turn down for what." So does Heidi Klum. "Make it work," Gunn's talking-bobblehead saying, gets sliced and diced to the fauxlectro trap beat of "Turn Down for What," while Klum does rappy and Illuminati things with her hands, and it all feels not just like Project Runway has jumped the shark, but that all of pop culture has. Remember when the Pillsbury Doughboy rapped? This is worse times EDM. We're all going to hell, and it's going to look a lot like the Electric Daisy Carnival. Mark my words.

Heidi Klum has been saving her sons' shaved afros in ziplock bags so that she can glue it to their faces in the name of art.

Today in normal stories to which everyone can relate: supermodel Heidi Klum and her bodyguard boyfriend spent Easter Sunday performing an ocean rescue operation after Klum's seven-year-old son Henry and his two nannies were swept from shore in a rip current off the coast of Oahu.

Joan Rivers went on Letterman this week and made fun of Adele for being fat.

Halloween party season will soon be upon us, which means, more importantly, celebrity Halloween party season will soon be upon us. Now that you've negged your way to the top of the celebrity dog pile, you've probably got more invitations than can fit inside a regulation sized plastic jack-o-lantern candy carrier (so bring a pillowcase, Jesus, plan ahead). Use this guide to plan your party route.

For a while, it looked like the Seal-Heidi Klum divorce was going to be an impressively civil parting of ways.

When the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes divorce wrapped up quickly, quietly, and without much fuss, the Internet, unexpectedly starved for blood, became weak and irritable.

Remember when Justin Bieber and that paparazzo endangered a bunch of people with a freeway chase? Turns out the photog has a history of reckless behavior.

To mark the dissolution of Heidi Klum and Seal's marriage, the web site Brobible has assembled a series of photographs—or "slide show"—of the model in various poses. Taken as a whole, it is a moving tribute to Klum's career.

Lady Gaga poses nude for an American legend, and previews her next video. Jennifer Love Hewitt denies herself her favorite things. And a model is very mad about the release of her sex tape. Black Friday gossip is very serious at restaurants.

The celebrities have begun trickling out of their castles, mansions, and forest lairs to host or hit up Halloween parties, collect their high-calorie holiday booty, and inspire jealousy-driven shut-ins like us to mock their outfits.

It's time we talk about the most important part of the Occupy Wall Street protests: just what celebrities are wearing when they visit! But don't worry, we also find time to pick on Lady Gaga, Beyoncé, Michelle Williams, Heidi Klum, Christina Aguilera, and Jake Gyllenhaal.

America's saddest divorce has its saddest development yet today. Also: Patrick Schwarzenegger is in trouble, Jack Osbourne is getting hitched, and Rihanna has genitals.

We got some scuttlebutt from an insider about who won the upcoming edition of Lifetime's Project Runway All Stars. Not only that, but the order that the designers got kicked off of the show. It could be right, it could be wrong, but it's sure fun to guess. Spoilers, for those who want them, ahead.

Labor Day is almost upon us, people, which means we need to get in our fix of celebrities of all stripes parading around in next to nothing at the beach. Let's take advantage while we still can!

Heidi Klum, the woman of a million bikinis, hangs out on the beach with her baby seal. Wait, I mean, her baby (comma) Seal. [Images via INF and Flynet]

Heidi Klum and her singer husband Seal recently bought a new mansion, so they had to sell their old one. Someone picked up the property this week, but you can still take a tour around.

Amy Winehouse's website falls at the hands of race-obsessed Lil' B fans. Lindsay Lohan blames "pyschotic paparazzi" for her woes. A teen idol confesses to doing blow with Michael Jackson. TGIFriday gossip.

Spiderman costars Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone might be banging. Cory Monteith was a teen junkie. Heidi Klum gets naked. LiLo plans her first post-imprisonment par-tay. TGIFriday gossip.

Miley Cyrus has her eye on the Governator's son. Prince bans Whitney Houston from his shows. Katie Holmes isn't pregnant. Rachel McAdams isn't engaged. Tuesday gossip needs a shoulder to cry on.