It's really a shame that the storylines we see on The Hills aren't as "real" as MTV claims they are, since the blonde cast's off-screen lives seem far more colorful than what we see on the show. This season we've trudged through (yawn) yet another ongoing catfight between Heidi and Lauren, and barely kept our eyes open while slowest speaker in the world Whitney learns how to cope with a new job. But rumors surfacing today involving real-life catfights between Lauren and roomie Audrina, plus not-so-blind items suggesting the entire cast is fed drugs by producers, make us wish this "unscripted" drama would throw out the scripts already.

Last night's double dose of The Hills was so jam-packed with Words of Wisdom that Intrepid Defamer Videographer Molly McAleer feels, like, one thousand percent smarter after putting this piece together. And you'll feel similarly after watching, we promise. From Friendship 101 to deep discussions on ancient British proverbs ("It's just water under the bridge. Wait, is 'water under the bridge' an expression, right?"), Lauren, Heidi, Whitney and Methanie Pratt were dishing out more stellar advice than Dr. Phil. And, as usual, one of our favorite gems came from nudie photo scandal subject Audrina, who pretty much summed up everything we're going to learn from our blonde life professors this season: "That's weird how the world works." So. True. [MTV]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often—the fate of the universe relies upon it! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you catch John Krasinski cutting ahead of you in line at the airport.

Richard took off for the day, just in time to miss the shocking news that nice young actress Heidi Montag is not registered to vote. Radar helpfully points her to voter registration sites so that she may help lead John McCain to victory. [Radar]

Remember when Heidi Montag endorsed John McCain? Well, she did and McCain responded gratefully and said that he was a big fan of Heidi's fake reality show, The Hills. This morning the presidential hopeful was on MSNBC's Morning Joe, and host Joe Scarborough said he was impressed with McCain's ability to tell a bald-faced lie like that, directly into the camera. (Um. His... his job.) McCain chuckled dutifully and then called Heidi "a very talented actress." HAHAHA. That is funny because the show is a reality show but it's mostly made up, and it would be fun if McCain were a sly devil like that, but actually he's just a befuddled old man who probably wasn't wearing pants during the interview. Then he and Scarborough chuckled grossly about, I'm assuming, the non-actress's boobiges. [Us] Video after the jump, watch like the first minute twenty five. Anything after that and your face will fall off.

Naturally, there are lots of important questions surrounding the presidential race. Whose policy on the war in Iraq will be the most effective? Will raising taxes help pull us out of this recession? Which candidate has the most viable solution to our nation's health care crisis? Who is Heidi Montag gonna vote for?

"I'm honored to have Heidi's support and I want to assure her that I never miss an episode of 'The Hills,' especially since the new season started."–GOP presidential candidate John McCain, to Time, on his recent endorsement from scary reality-soap abomination Heidi Montag. Then Lauren Conrad endorsed a puppy, but the puppy bit her. [Time via Us, Earlier] Photo: Heather Brand

Surprise! Odious strip of Laffy Taffy Heidi Montag is voting Republican. The Hills star recently told Us Weekly that she'll be voting for McCain because "he has a lot of experience." When boyfriend, manager, and Weasleys' garden gnome Spencer Pratt suggested she maybe shouldn't make a public endorsement, Montag replied, "I don't think anyone cares who Heidi Montag votes for." Heidi Montag is right. Heidi Montag can vote for whomever she wants and no one cares. Heidi Montag would like to go home now. Heidi Montag seems to be stuck in this chicken wire.

Please join us for our latest installment of The Hills: Words of Wisdom. As we learned last week, the cast is very gifted when it comes to doling out life lessons, and last night's back-to-back episodes contained no shortage of incredibly valuable tips and advice when it comes to just, you know, living life and stuff. Among the topics briefed in today's feature are the benefits of quitting smoking ("the whole no-cancer thing!"), why computers are just silly (they're "hard"), and one very profound discover made on behalf of Mr. Spencer Pratt: "There's no bright side." Spencer, were we in your position of bleachy dumpdom, relying on Sister Methanie for advice, we couldn't agree more. Watch, and as always, learn.

• Game over, Scientology wins, they have Pete Doherty and Sumner Redstone. Viacom chairman Redstone hasn't actually converted but did have lunch with Scientology bigshot Tom Cruise, probably canceling in his area a personal and business rift with the actor and paving the way for more sweet Mission Impossible money. Doherty has been reading up on the religion and shacking up with a Scientologist DJ who probably hasn't yet mentioned the religion's stance on psychoactive drugs.

Want to "talk" to The Hills' Heidi Montag? Call (310) 220-0244. Want to leave a message for her boyfriend, wicked Chucky doll Spencer Pratt? Call (310) 220-0215.

Reality TV and TMZ punch bag Heidi Montag has come to the conclusion that America isn't exactly laughing with her and Spencer, but rather, at them. To combat her feelings of sadness, Montag plans on eating this big brown bag of ribs, watching Mean Girls (she can so relate), reading The Secret one more time (because she didn't quite get it the first time) and, finally, having more "revenge" plastic surgery.

With Nicole Richie playing house for the next five minutes or so, Kim Kardashian having moved on to mall clothing endorsements and her own show, and sister Nicky entrapped in a brand new anorexia scandal, Paris Hilton has no one to play with. Not even her hypersexual litter of puppies. So she's prepared to do what Britney and Jessica Simpson did before her: pay someone to be her friend. Teaming up with MTV and Ish Entertainment, Paris announced the debut of her next reality show, Paris Hilton's My New BFF, in which 20 lucky boys and girls will prove to Paris that they're capable of being loyal, trustworthy pals who won't try to feel her up or plan porny video attacks mid-party. As Paris herself put it, "[I am looking for] someone I can just trust, someone who's not gonna stab me in the back like has happened a lot in this town, someone I can have fun with." But what does the winner get in exchange?

Yesterday's tantalizing Hills clip featured Lauren "LC" Conrad getting some bad news about sorta boyfriend Brody "I vaguely resemble a honeydew melon" Jenner. In today's even MORE tantalizing preview of the upcoming season (again from Us Weekly), the nefarious Spencer Pratt and his Florence Foster Jenkins-esque girlfriend Heidi Montag quibble over some nonsense in front of Heidi's all too camera ready parents. Spencer declares his love. Heidi's mom basically has to call "line", so Heidi prompts her. The father sits there and thinks about that book Ladder of Years he read once. This is what love is like. Raw, real, and planned three hours in advance.

• Singer Britney Spears, said to be worth around $50 million, has become steadily more sane since her father was placed in control of her finances and other affairs several weeks ago. She parted ways with hanger-on ex-paparazzo Adnan Ghalib and earned the right to see her children more often. Apparently her father is compensated at $2,500 per week for his oversight, and the many tabloids that make money off Spears insanity are incredulous. So is comedian Rosie O'Donnell, who wrote in her Web Q&A forum that Spears' dad's high pay has become "the problem." Apparently these people have never priced rehab, or done some simple math on the scale of Spears' image problem.

This is an in-house ad that is currently running on gossip site TMZ. Pareene hopes that next we'll meet the "Oriental" Ashley Tisdale. I'm hoping for the "Swarthy" Jonas Brothers. (Click for larger)

[Desperate reality TV power couple Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt candidly! smooch for unexpected! cameras in LA today; image via INF]

Oh for Christ's sake. Eternally grasping and desperate reality TV stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are now saying that, in addition to Ms. Montag's super exciting music career, they will be working on a video game. "You can definitely play as us or you can play against us," says Pratt of the game. He was at some kind of video game function at the time, so maybe he was just drunkenly exaggerating. But, he does keep prattling (get it?) on about it, so mayyybe it's a real idea? Who the fuck knows anymore. [US] After the jump, a preview of the new Hills season! Plus, a preview of Montag & Pratt's new video game.

From World of Wonder: "Now listen very carefully, and I'll let you in on a production secret. I was recently on set with Heidi [Montag] and Spencer [Pratt] for an upcoming What Perez Sez special, and... shhhh - let's keep this between us... Heidi brought her own photographer with her to stage a fake incognito shoot!" [WOW]

Reality TV star (and the Maria Callas of her generation) Heidi Montag recently traveled to the exclusive resort town of Atlantic City, NJ where she and boyfriend/aspiring Svengali Spencer Pratt enjoyed the fine dining. Oh, and because they can't go anywhere without some branch of the tabliverse in tow, they happened to find time for an interview with OK! magazine. The interviewer, Alisandra Puliti, compliments Heidi on her appearance in her latest music video, saying "You have the abs that Britney used to!" Creepy! Even creepier is when Pratt describes Montag's good will toward men: "I'll find her on the floor praying and I'll ask, who are you praying for, and she'll say everybody." Aww/Shriek! She's just like Tiny Tim. I guess it's a nice idea, though. When I'm blue or lonely (usually after watching The Hills) I'll just think of Heidi, with her old Britney abs, rolling around on a beach or sprawled out on the floor, praying for me. [OK! via ohnotheydidn't] After the jump, one of the better parodies of Montag's "Higher" video.