Ever since her post-plastic surgery photos have surfaced, 23-year-old Heidi Montag has gone from the reality star we all love to trash to a girl we feel bad for. Below, our beloved hosts voice their opinions on her recent "work."

John Mayer: "The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating." Heidi Montag: "If Cleopatra were alive now, I'm sure she'd have triple D's." Kelly Bensimon's Playboy shoot: "What sexy looks like at 41." Wednesday's gossip roundup is highly quotable.

Amy Winehouse's self-destruction takes an unexpected turn into bimboland. Jersey Shore's stars get greedy and want fake boobs. NBC infighting escalates. LaToya Jackson has a new shot at fame. Tila Tequila takes aim at Megan Fox. Jai ho, Monday gossip.

This must be why she was running around with her head in a pillowcase the other night. Not because Heidi's big plastic surgery reveal is a People magazine exclusive, but because it is scary. She's a silicone cyborg.

• Remember the dust-up a couple of weeks ago when it was reported that Beyoncé had performed for the son of Libyan dictator Moammar Khadafi in St. Bart's on New Year's Eve? Photos of the concert have now surfaced, although the worst thing about them may be how Beyoncé looks like she's the headliner at a tacky club in New Jersey. [DM]
• Is Bethenny Frankel trying to pull a Star Jones? It seems Frankel has been approaching vendors and asking them to "sponsor" her wedding: She'd get their services gratis and, in exchange, they'd get a mention on her upcoming reality show, Bethenny's Getting Married. The only problem with Bethenny's grand scheme? She hasn't had much luck finding companies interested in taking part. [NYDN]
• Here's a great idea: David Letterman has reportedly invited Conan O'Brien to appear as a guest on his show. Cross your fingers! [PopEater]
• Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have not broken up, in case you were concerned. According to friends, he'd committed to working on a film in Wyoming, which is is why he didn't climb Mt. Kilimanjaro alongside Biel. It's not because he didn't want to, say, spend a week living with the love of his life in a tent. He would have totally done it if he could have. Really. [P6]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie donated $1 million yesterday to Doctors Without Borders to fund emergency medical operations in Haiti. As for whether Tiger Woods really paid to send a plane full of medical supplies to the devastated nation, that's a (pretty unlikely) story that Russell Simmons has been circulating, though Tiger's reps have yet to confirm it. But it wouldn't be the worst way to begin rebuilding his image, come to think of it. [Us, TMZ]

Paris' aunts join the family fameball, Conan invites Dave Letterman on his show, Heidi Montag's boobs almost get her kidnapped, Brian Williams envies Matt Lauer's abs. Thursday's gossip is one Hilton short of shooting the moon.

• Those rumors about Tiger Woods in rehab have returned. According to People, Woods checked into a sex rehab clinic around New Year's and will be there until "Valentine's Day or thereabouts." (Perfect timing!) As for his estranged wife, Elin Nordegren, she's moved into a new home that's just a couple of miles from the gated community where she used to live with Woods. [People, TMZ, NYDN]
• Have Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel split up? That's what some people are saying, since she spent the last week climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro while he was in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. And couples that are really in love would never spend a moment apart, would they? Didn't think so. [Radar]
• The Post reported a few days ago that Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly have made plans to get married in November. Naturally, this had led the Daily News to report today that the story is totally untrue and the couple hasn't even discussed getting engaged, at least according to one of Minka's friends. [NYDN]
• Forbes released its list of Hollywood's "top-earning couples" yesterday. The winner? That would be Beyoncé and Jay-Z, who reeled in $122 million last year, or more than double what Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt collected. Possibly related: Beyoncé said yesterday that she plans to take a "hiatus" from singing so she can "live life." Which is what you'd do, too, if you made nine figures over the last 12 months. [Forbes, NYDN]
• The Conan-Leno mess is bad news for NBC. But it's also made late-night TV sorta watchable again, which is nice. [Gawker]

"Eat my panties off me," Mrs. Pratt rhythmically coos. Vogue threatens Anna Wintour's town car, Elin Nordegren invests in another house, Ryan Seacrest cries over Simon. Come, plumb the depths of Wednesday's gossip.

Sadly another season of this show has come and gone. Like most episodes, nothing happened, but the plot still seemed to progress. That's why we translated the action into serial comic form. It's later, the same day...

On The Hills, nothing ever happens, but the plot still unfolds. It's like reading one of those serialized comics in the funny pages. Now you can see exactly what we mean, because we made our own.

• Last night's state dinner drew quite a crowd. On hand of the occasion: Katie Couric (accompanied by beau Brooks Perlin), Gayle King (sans Oprah), Brian Williams, Mayor Bloomberg (with Diana Taylor), Ari Emanuel, M. Night Shyamalan, Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg, and David Geffen (accompanied by his youthful boyfriend). Jennifer Hudson provided the entertainment; Naeem Khan was responsible for Michelle Obama's gold dress. [Politico, Reuters, NYP]
• She may not be in rehab (yet), but Lindsay Lohan is supposedly now in counseling and seeing someone a few times a week. It's a start, isn't it? [MSNBC]
• In what may be the most dubious story ever published by Us, a source tells the tabloid that Angelina Jolie "hates" President Obama because he's "all about welfare and handouts" and is really "a socialist in disguise." Naturally, the source goes on to say that Brad Pitt is still a fan of Obama, which means the two "get in nasty arguments" about politics "all the time." [Us]

• Is disgraced publicist Ali Wise the latest addition to the cast of Tinsley Mortimer's upcoming reality show? Possibly! Wise apparently wants people to know "she's still out on the scene and doing fine" and taped an appearance at the opening of pal Stacey Bendet's new store last week. And she's expected to turn up in other episodes of the show. Let's just hope that Wise—who allegedly stalked women her ex dated—and the Tinz don't clash over any German princes or former American Idol contestants, or things could get ugly. [NYDN]
• In case you were worried that Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds were going through a rough patch, you can stop stressing. They celebrated her birthday at a club in the meatpacking district over the weekend and reportedly "looked very much in love all night." [P6]
• Penelope Cruise still hasn't confirmed whether or not she's engaged to Javier Bardem, but she's been shopping for a wedding dress recently, at least according to In Touch magazine's "sources." [In Touch via NYDN]
• Agyness Deyn's super-short hair is her signature, but it has its downsides, too, it seems. A woman propositioned the Brit model at a party the other night. Deyn "politely turned her down." [P6]

Click to viewNothing ever seems to happen on The Hills, yet the plot still progresses. It's like another masterpiece of serialized fiction: Apartment 3G. Ever wonder what this show would look like as a comic strip?

Supermodel Karolina Kurkova and fiance Archie Drury walking in Tribeca with their new baby ... Daniel Day-Lewis leaving the Plaza Hotel ... Uma Thurman walking her dogs downtown ... Halle Berry leaving Morandi after having lunch ... Elijah Wood carrying lunch on the set of The Romantics on Long Island ... Sandra Bullock walking into her hotel ... Fergie leaving her hotel ... Hugh Jackman jogging downtown and later taking daughter Ava for ice cream ... Taylor Momsen filming scenes for Gossip Girl with Chace Crawford ... Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban holding hands outside their apartment building ... Heidi Montag leaving the Waverly Inn.... and Maria Menounos riding in a pedicab in Midtown because she supposedly couldn't find a cab.

Halle Berry walking downtown with a friend yesterday ... a grumpy-looking Ron Perelman leaving Bar Pitti on Sunday... Alex Rodriguez walking to lunch at Da Silvano ... Mary-Kate Olsen getting coffee with Nate Lowman in Tribeca ... Phoebe Cates getting breakfast with a friend yesterday at Yura on Madison Avenue ... Nicole Kidman walking on Park Avenue ... Naomi Watts shopping at Lilliput on Lafayette Street ... Chaz Bono arriving at JFK ... Julianne Moore and Bart Freundlich walking with their daughter and dog in the West Village ... Taylor Momsen filming scenes for Gossip Girl ... Hugh Jackman bowling with his kids at Lucky Strike on Sunday alongside Vincent D'Onofrio and his son ... Luke Wilson leaving Nello's on Sunday with a lady friend ... Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt arriving at JFK ... and Keith Urban leaving his apartment building with his daughter.

• The feud between Al Roker and America's most despicable couple continues. After the Today show canceled an interview with Spencer and Heidi Pratt, Spencer took to Twitter to air his rage: "I thought you were out of town getting your stomache [sic] staped [sic] again... Do you always look like your [sic] about to die?" One thing that's clear here: Spencer should have paid more attention in English class. [Us]
• Brat Packer Anthony Michael Hall—who is about to kick off a guest stint on NBC's Community—has been ordered to stay away from his ex, Diana Falzone, a "relationship expert" who writes for the Huffington Post and hosts a show on Sirius. Falzone was granted a restraining order after Hall allegedly broke down her door last week and "bashed her head against a wall." [P6]
• Nicole Richie and Joel Madden secured a restraining order against two paparazzi who Richie says have been harassing her. Is it just us, or are restraining orders becoming all the rage? [TMZ]
• MTV has premiered Beyoncé's new video for "Video Phone" featuring a special guest appearance by Lady Gaga. In a surprising twist, it's Lady Gaga who looks fairly normal and Beyoncé who looks a little freaky. [MTV, NYP]

Heidi got some puppies for her birthday, but that's not enough. She has her prop neighbor child over to try to convince Spencer it's time to have kids. We know she's not ready, but she's already practicing by telling stories.

Heidi Montag can't just have any old birthday party, she has to have an extravaganza in her glass coffin and invite all the dueling princesses to come. Drama ensues. But even more exciting than the party is the preparation.

• Rihanna has a new album to promote, which explains why she's suddenly breaking her silence about the personal troubles she's faced over the past year. She addresses the Chris Brown incident in an interview in the current issue of Glamour. And she'll discuss it again on Thursday when she sits down to an interview with Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America. [People, Sun, Glamour]
• Related: Rihanna attended Mariah Carey's Halloween party the other night, but the two divas refused to exchange a word. [P6]
• Kate Hudson says she quit drinking to get ready for a film role (and not because she's pregnant). She also says the diamond ring she's been wearing is not because she's engaged to A-Rod. (She says she isn't.) [P6]

Getting sober is nothing to joke about, but it is the cause for some very, very serious reality television moments. Just ask Holly Montag, who refutes accusations that she is a drunk with slurry, drink-in-hand dances.