• Are Michelle Williams and Spike Jonze planning to head down the aisle this summer? That's what the Star claims, since the two have been together "almost a year" and supposedly "don't see why they should wait much longer." As good a reason as any! [Star]
• Sam Ronson changed her relationship status on Facebook to "It's complicated," and says she and LiLo have started talking again, which may mean they're getting back together. [Us]
• Mary-Kate Olsen "kept touching" actor Bradley Cooper at a Tribeca Film Festival party, which could be a sign that they might be dating. [NYDN]
• Parker Posey showed off her new man at the festival, too. She's dating a sculptor named Scott Lenhardt. [NYM]

Long ago, two merchandising roads diverged in Hollywood, and Lauren Conrad took the pricey one less traveled by plastic reality show dolls, while Heidi Montag went cheap. Well, now Conrad is going cheap, too.

So wrong: While Billy Joel wonders if his third wife is cheating, and Bruce Springsteen's wife ponders whether he destroyed a marriage, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt prepare for a second blissful wedding.

[Heidi Montag and her work boyfriend Spencer in Los Angeles; image via WENN]

I know you were worried she'd leave, but it looks as though Katie Holmes might be staying here in New York for good. And she's keeping Tom with her.

As Fox Studios throws its enthusiastic support behind How I Met Your Mother by tripling its stars' salaries, the laugh track-enhanced CBS sitcom returns to the tabloid slophouse for some ratings-goosing stunt-casting.

• Jeremy Piven's latest conquest? A 23-year-old model/bottle waitress at Mansion named Ashley Chontos, who was the first to respond to Piven's late-night text appeal ("Come to my room—whoever responds first gets me for the night") and who, you'll be happy to hear, is standing by her man, even though he's in Bangkok so he can "recover" from "mercury poisoning." [NYDN]
• Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are supposedly divorcing in a few weeks, or at least that's what the Daily News says. For the time being, though, they seem to be enjoying themselves in Puerto Rico. [E!]
• Mia Farrow's daughter's death may have been been AIDS-related. [NYP]
• Mariah Carey is supposedly in talks to make a Broadway musical about her life and hopes Leona Lewis, Vanessa Hudgens, or Eva Longoria will take on the lead role. [Telegraph]

• Was the "exhaustion" that sent Samantha Ronson to the hospital the result of a marathon screaming match with Lindsay? [TMZ]
• Walter Noel's five daughters are a bunch of maneaters who used to steal other girls' boyfriends, at least according to one of their former Georgetown classmates. [P6]
• Now that he's dated half the blondes in New York, Lance Armstrong says he's having a baby with his girlfriend, Anna Hansen. [NYDN, PM]
• Star Jones has supposedly gained 30 lbs. recently and is now worried her boyfriend, chef Herb Wilson, is going to dump her because of it. [NE]

Last night was the finale penultimate episode of The Hills' fourth season. There was a big departure and a big wedding. If you're curious about the dim proceedings, journey after the jump.

Though we can hardly wrap our brains around the fact that after the jump, a video exists of Tom Cruise giving wedding advice to Spencer Pratt, we have to admit it makes a certain amount of cosmic sense. After all, both the actor and the Hills villain found glassy-eyes brides who were willing to make themselves over for their man. Sure, in Katie Holmes's case, the transformation made her into an unlikely fashion plate, while in Heidi Montag's, it turned her into a demented aerobicizer with large hard hats stapled to her breastplate, but no matter! Wait, where were we? Ah, yes: Tom Cruise. Spencer Pratt. Brother to brother. NSFL (Not Safe For Life).

A frequent viewer of The Hills once explained it to us as "Professional wrestling, but for women. You know it's fake, but you want to keep up with the storylines anyway." Perhaps that's why MTV continues to ignore the actual, tabloid-documented reality of what has happened to its successful stars in favor of an increasingly more laughable alternate universe where all four women are still struggling 9-to-5ers. Today brought two more examples of their tomfoolery:

The whole sad story of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's marriage just gets worse and worse. First the Silly Puddy fake couple from The Hills filthily escaped to Mexico for a totes unplanned elopement beach wedding that Us Weekly was lucky enough to have happened to be there for. So that was like, serendipity and bliss and like cold, oily honeymoon sex and stuff! Now, with that matter of dually plastic and farty bologna-smelling espirit de corps behind them, the couple has soldiered on to new territory: More Us Weekly covers! Involving Heidi's devastatingly sad mom!

♦ It's not just creditors going after Donald Trump these days: An employee of Trump's golf course in LA says in a lawsuit that the club prohibited her from taking lunch and bathroom breaks. She's only asking for $15,000, though, so obviously she didn't learn much during her stint working for the real estate mogul. [TMZ]
♦ A lawyer for Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos says there's "not a shred of truth" to the rumors the couple is splitting up. [OK!]
♦ Britney Spears' birthday party didn't exactly go as planned. None of her close friends showed up and onlookers say she spent the whole time looking "vacant" and "empty." [R&M, P6]
♦ NBC is furious that news of David Gregory's Meet the Press promotion leaked earlier this week. The likely culprit? NBC political director Chuck Todd. [P6]

Terrible lovebirds Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are capable of making no move without a cannery-level of fishiness (and paparazzi present, of course), and so it is with their Mexico wedding, which has since been revealed as the legally unbinding publicity stunt that, rather than being beneath the couple, represents the absolute apex of their combined powers. Still, Heidi's mother Darlene is not having it, and she's come out swinging in Us with some wild allegations about Spencer's Svengali-like hold on her daughter. But is it all part of the plan? Let's find out:

♦ Hockey star/former Vogue intern Sean Avery was suspended from the NHL indefinitely yesterday following "inappropriate public comments" about ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert. "It's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds," he said referring to Cuthbert's relationship with fellow hockey player Dion Phaneuf. [NYP]
♦ Britney Spears celebrated her birthday and album release yesterday by lip-synching her way through a performance on GMA and then heading off to Tenjune, where she partied with the likes of Heidi Klum and Lance Bass. The comeback may be short-lived: She's still abusing prescription drugs and is "plagued by insomnia and shaking fits," at least according to the Star. [The Sun, ThisIsLondon, Star]
♦ Blake Fielder-Civil, Amy Winehouse's estranged husband, just got out of prison. But now it looks like a return trip is in store. [Mirror, Daily Mail]

♦ It's the question that has been keeping you up for days now: Where is Alex Rodriguez going to spend Thanksgiving? First it was reported that A-Rod planned to stay in New York. Now People now says he plans to have dinner with his ex-wife and their two kids in Florida. But Madonna is on the scene, too! Maybe in the spirit of the holiday, they'll all just join together and be thankful for what they have? Kidding! [People, TMZ]
♦ The parents of Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal are broke, apparently. [P6]
♦ Did Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt really get married in Mexico or was it just an elaborate publicity stunt? [AP]

Unholy Unions: When we heard today that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt had gotten married, we knew there would be pictures, and we had only one question: did Spencer shave off his abominable snowbeard for the wedding? As revealed by this cover of Us Weekly, no, he did not! The magazine and Life & Style are both reporting that Montag's parents were less than thrilled that their daughter went ahead and got married without her family present. Settle down, Montags: we're sure the dynamic duo is planning a second, blowout wedding at Les Deux as we speak. Will Lauren crash the ceremony to object? Will Brody Jenner be "best bro"? So many questions, so few cumulative brain cells. [Us]

So, yes. Heidi and Spencer got married. The worst couple from MTV's cavalcade of reality miseries The Hills dashed off to Mexico to "elope" (luckily Us Weekly happened to be vacationing on the same beach and had their cameras with them). What this means for their private lives isn't clear and doesn't matter—her parents will be miserable, the thing is fake anyway so who really cares, stock in Happiness Inc. just soared because it is now in such short supply and everyone wants it—but what does matter is what this means for the rest of the season of the soupy series. I think it's going to stink! I mean it always, always stinks but now it will stink even more and make us feel even more post-millennial angst than usual. For a while it seemed like maybe this whole thing was screeching to a halt, with, among other doomy looking things, Heidi and Spencer appearing to be on the brink of a break-up. Heidi seemed to be realizing that her do-nothing layabout Fleshbeard boyfriend is a terrible, terrible person and he increasingly seemed disinterested in the modest fame rays he was getting off of her. It was the most awful, wanly haunting depiction of a fake relationship in real decline we've ever witnessed and now? Now?? Now we just have to slog through the miserable shit with the ever-boring-a-hole-in-our-souls knowledge that these two thundering idiots are going to fart off into the sunset together for six more weeks of awful, unearned fame. What a shitty ending for us! I was hoping for something far, far better. Not that the marriage is going to last or anything. At least we'll maybe get to watch it implode next season. HEIDI: Spencer can you pick up your dirty socks? SPENCER: What? I want a divorce. or SPENCER: Can you hit an E above C? HEIDI: What? I want a diborce. I mean a D-I-V-O-R... Wait. SPENCER: Heidi, who were you spelling that for? HEIDI: What? Pick up your socks. SPENCER: I want a diborce.

A hearty, icky round of Defamer congratulations to Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, whose coupled-up villainy on The Hills finally culminated with an actual marriage this past week in Mexico. Though the fifteen-minute ceremony was supposedly hatched on the spur of the moment, at least Montag and Pratt had on hand something borrowed (time), and something new (her breasts). Few details have emerged yet, but we'd like to believe the bride wore vintage Ed Hardy and walked down the sandy aisle to her own, Autotune-d rendition of "Here Comes the Bride" (featuring T-Pain). People has the story:

The global economy might be crumbling, but let us not forget that love still conquers all. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt tied the knot last week in Mexico, Us confirms. And you might just tear up when you hear the tender words Spencer shared with his bride at the ceremony: "You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I'm honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always." [Us Weekly]