Stylista debuts tonight, and all the mildly-enthusiastic reviews reveal something more important than whether or not the show is actually worth watching: Apparently, we live in a world so ironic, where the line between reality and fiction has been trampled on to such an extent, that we can't even watch a woman pretend to do her job and dole out abuse to eager victims on a set created to resemble an office without suspending our disbelief for one second. Stylista's star, Elle's fashion news director Anne Slowey, is playing a part, you see, and although she's playing it quite well, that won't stop everyone from pointing out that she's doing Meryl Streep doing Anna Wintour:

♦ Now that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially split, the focus is now on her relationship with Alex Rodriguez: Some say he knew that the separation announcement was coming, which is why he's been "lying low" in a five-star Beverly Hills hotel for the past few days. [Us, NYP, E!]
♦ How's Guy doing? Don't worry about him: He could walk away with as much as $250 mil. in a settlement since he and Madonna never had a prenup. [NYP]
♦ A sex tape starring Peter Cook and Diana Bianchi may be out there, although Cook's lawyers are still saying he has "no knowledge" it exists. [P6]
♦ David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have officially split up. We're as shocked as you are [E!]
♦ Raffaello Follieri didn't just swindle adults. He also tricked a 15-year-old girl by promising to get her Anne Hathaway's autograph and then never coming though. Now she's suing him. [NYDN]

After so many seasons of shared LOLs, the relationship between Hills stars Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge appears to have come to an unfortunate, WTF-tinged end. Rumors are flying that Conrad betrayed her friend by hooking up with Patridge's vacant, hirsute ex-boyfriend Justin "Bobby" Brescia, and today, Patridge took to the Ellen DeGeneres Show to further fan the flames. A clearly mystified DeGeneres tried to sort out the "who's zooming who" particulars with the help of some visual aids, but only a Hills aficionado could make sense of a backstory so simultaneously convoluted and uneventful. Still, all the Dermalogica face cleanser in the world can't hide Patridge's newfound loneliness. Stay strong, auburn-haired one! [The Ellen DeGeneres Show]

Though Hills stars Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge recently patched up their fractured friendship under the warm, nurturing eye of multiple video cameras, a brand-new rumor has both girls on the outs yet again. Says E!:

[Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag from "The Hills," who have been shilling for Taco Bell for a little while now, working the drive thru window as some sort hunger awareness stunt; image via INF. There are more of these pictures!!!] TheHonJudgeSmails' new line beats the original, This Picture Almost Defies Captioning

♦ In his new book, Alec Baldwin goes off on TMZ's Harvey Levin, and says that the fallout from his infamously leaked voicemail made him want to commit suicide. [R&M]
♦ Barbra Streisand sang four songs at an Obama fundraiser last night. Attendees included Leonardo DiCaprio, Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen. [Fox News]
♦ Anne Hathaway acted like a bit of a diva at an event in Toronto. She also smokes, which her publicist doesn't want you to know. [OK!, R&M]
♦ Sarah Palin's "secretive circle of stylists" dressed her in a $2,500 Valentino jacket for her big speech at the Republican convention. [P6]
♦ Bad news: Hugh Hefner says all three of the Girls Next Door are getting spinoffs. [E!]
♦ Even worse news: Heidi Montag and her sister Holly are "developing a top-secret project" together. [LAT]

The LA Times breaks the important story today that Heidi from The Hills (reality show, Los Angeles, aerial shots) is "developing a top-secret project" with her sister, Holly. Only one possibility comes to mind. [LAT]

Last night The Hills, MTV's rippling tide pool of a reality series, almost achieved what many thought was impossible: a moment of genuine poignancy and emotion. It involved the series' original gangstas Lauren and Heidi, addressing their shipwrecked friendship in a way that almost spoke quiet volumes about the ways in which friends are won and lost, especially in our early, heady 20's, when all things seem such a big, sad deal. Again, almost. The gears started turning when Heidigger, Heidi's prodigal older sister—now back living in LA after an indeterminate time spent banished in Crested Butte or whatever—expressed an interest in seeing her old friend Lauren, now Heidi's wistful arch nemesis. Spencer forbade Heidigger so see LC, but something in the chipper (and Daler) faced young lady suggested that she may go—daringly!—behind her younger sister's fake boyfriend's back and rekindle the connection. And so they did, meeting for lunch at some sort of "bistro place," talking about old times and how they used to be the Three Musketeers. Which is sort of true. Dissatisfying, poop-like bars of nougat that are tossed aside from a child's Halloween bounty like so many Zagnuts. Lauren expressed some temerity about embarking on friendsies 2.0, because she didn't want to drive a wedge between the Sisters Rosenmontag, as she did with Spencer and his dim sister Spencerina. Lessons learned, LC! This is what the show is all about! Meanwhile Audrina, charged with packing an LA coming-out party for some silly, whiny band called The White Tie Affair (do you get it?), invited her oft bobbing and swaying man friend Justin Bobby. He seemed reluctant to attend, but said he would for her. Of course, the party rolls around and he didn't show. Audy smiled in that softly devastating way that she does, years of disappointment and time spent in the shadows streaking, however fleetingly, across her face. At least Lauren and Lo and Spencerina came, jamming along to the band and flirting with its pierced-nippled members at the poolside after party. And then, in the end, it came back to Heidi and Lauren. Heidi spoke with Heidigger about the past and her hope for the future. "Maybe by some miracle," Heidi hoped, they could be friends again. Lauren chatted with Spencerina (at their computer class!) and said that she didn't want Heidi to get her hopes up (oh you wicked editors). But when Spencerina asked if Lauren missed her old friend, LC made a face bordering on a genuine seriousness, a sudden realization of time's relentlessly ever-churning wheels. She said she did. And then the music swelled and the same sun swirled somewhere above both of them and it seemed for a moment that there was reason to hope still. But the "scenes from the next" didn't show any Heidi/Lauren reconnection, just some nonsense about Spencerina going out with Doug the Frozen Burrito Heir. Perhaps the producers are keeping that storied reunion in their back pocket, in case this is the last season of the show. For now we'll have to wait and, like so many moments spent at that age, wildly wonder.

Hills villain Heidi Montag is turning 22 years old today, most likely with a big drama-filled party that will eventually turn up on MTV. Also celebrating today: British model Sophie Dahl is turning 31. Filmmaker Oliver Stone is celebrating his 62nd. Restaurateur Donatella Arpaia is 37. Music honcho (and Kobe Club partner) Charlie Walk is 42. Former NFL quarterback Dan Marino is 47. Opera singer Jessye Norman is turning 63. Actor Tommy Lee Jones is 62. And Prince Harry celebrating his 24th.

Though The Hills star Lauren Conrad is highly paid enough without having to do anything but passive-aggressively judge her friends over drinks at Goa, she must be applauded for finding new skills to add to her highly staged resume. First, the 22-year-old took a detour into fashion design, and now, according to People, she's been signed to a three-book deal with HarperCollins. Heretofore limited to short stories in the vein of a Sidekicked "OMG Audrina WTF," the deal will allow Conrad to spread her wings and write young adult fiction:

• Joe Francis, the Girls Gone Wild scuzz, has for some reason hired as his personal assistant Holly Montag, sister of the actress Heidi Montag. He reports she is "probably the best assistant I have ever had," by which he means she waited for him to get out of prison and greatly increases the chances he will score some sort of reality television deal. [P6]

• The lawsuit between Donald Trump and Times reporter Timothy O'Brien continues: A judge has ordered Arthur Sulzberger Jr. to submit to a deposition, which the publishing scion isn't all that happy about. [P6]

For months, the rumor mill has been buzzing that Whitney Port of The Hills (she of the goofy mugging and relatively drama-free lifestyle) would be receiving her own, New York-set MTV spinoff. Last night's Hills episode, then, seemed in many cases like a trial run for that series, as fearsome People's Revolution flack Kelly Cutrone sent Whitney to the Big Apple to do some model castings, eventually manipulating the gangly blonde into a date with a shaggy-haired hunk. Does Whitney have what it takes to assume center stage, or is she forever destined to play curious second fiddle to the mothership series' Lauren Conrad? Remarkably (and with the help of videographer Molly McAleer), we were able to get our hands on a classified notes session smuggled from deep inside the bowels of MTV, and the candid reactions from execs Sheryl Rather-Wexler and Kip Finkelberg Jr. may shed some new light on Whitney's primetime viability. Godspeed, girl. [MTV]

Because Angels & Kings didn't quite drive the knife of inanity far enough into New York City's weakening heart, a new celebrity-backed bar is opening in Manhattan. I'm sorry, did I say celebrity? I meant Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, the tumbleweeds from MTV's high-gloss people-spoof The Hills. Don't worry, the planned "upscale sports lounge" isn't in your precious East Village like Pete Wentz's sadness factory.It's in Murray Hill (hills! the world is full of amazing connections!), whose state flower is the blue button-up shirt and official drink is the Totally Fucked Up, Man slinger. As Heidi is exactly as sexy as an unclothed Barbie doll, expect lots of hot girls and cool-as-Spencer dudes to frequent the joint. [W]

Just the news you wanted this lovely Friday before a holiday weekend: W reports that The Hills' Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, possibly the two most hated in the history of TV, are planning to open a bar in Murray Hill, a space formerly known as The Dip on the corner of Third Avenue 29th Street. That should be interesting. [W via Gawker]

Heavily Vetted: Though rumors are flying about the vice presidential pick that candidate John McCain is set to announce tomorrow morning, it seems that The Hills ingenue Heidi Montag has already let the cat out of the bag. "I am McCain's vice president!" the avowed Republican exclaimed to OK!, adding, "Go team!" Montag is a dark horse candidate to be sure, though in boyfriend Spencer Pratt, she comes with her very own Karl Rove figure. While Lauren, Lo, and Audrina have the most to lose from this possible vice presidency, they're not the only ones likely to greet this news by barricading themselves behind the banquettes at Boulevard 3. In a McCain/Montag administration, you see, we will all be prisoners of war. [OK!]

Tuesday's unnerving visit to the set of Sweatin' Your 15 Minutes Away, with Heidi Montag was accompanied by an even more debilitating ebb of confidence in popular culture to ever make us smile again. So imagine the overwhelming (if perhaps coincidental) sense of joy that came along with revisiting Jane Fonda's early-'80s workout-video heyday — a brain-exploding, pre-ironic throwback to an era when only two-time Oscar winners were entitled to such garish Lycra supremacy. Sam Sparro's anthem "Black and Gold" provides the mid-tempo counterpoint, the entirety of which can be observed at Vimeo; our brains are full. Grateful, but full. And does she ever hit the spot. [Vimeo]

Though it pains us to say this, we think we may be over Lo Bosworth, the incipient villainess of The Hills' fourth season. When we first met Lo, she was amongst the most breezy members of Hills forerunner Laguna Beach, but there's no place for cute quips on The Hills when out-and-out bitchery will win the day. That, ultimately, is what makes Lo's transformation all the more frustrating — though she has settled into her role as Audrina's archrival for their friend Lauren's attention, her irritating machinations are actually making us root for the blank blogger (and that's saying a lot). With the help of Molly McAleer, we pored over last night's episode and put together a list of the top five reasons we simply can't support Lo anymore. Lo, you're on notice: we're officially frienemies now. [MTV]

We've learned a lot about MTV over the past week, and now, thanks to In Touch, we've discovered just how big a paycheck the network will write for spouting banal words of wisdom and emotionally abusing your TV girlfriend. Yes, someone has leaked the per-episode salaries for each personality on The Hills, and never have so many earned so much for doing so little. Star Lauren Conrad is the biggest grosser (pulling down $75,000 each time a curious Whitney asks, "So what went down last weekend?") but the rest of the cast earns a pretty penny, too. Salaries and analysis after the jump:

• Madonna probably helped John McCain a bit by showing a video of him alongside images of Hitler, Robert Mugabe, starving children and global warming. Obama was depicted as Gandhi and John Lennon. Luckily for Obama this video has not yet been shown in the U.S. [Times]