While The Hills returned to MTV last night with all the girl-on-girl drama and awkward pauses we've come to know and love, it was the Heidi-and-Spencer subplot that gained most of our attention. Sure, the storyline seemed simple on its face — Heidi's sister comes to stay with the pair, a development that forces Spencer to grit his teeth — but beneath the surface, Spencer's passive aggression was at full blast. With the help of Molly McAleer, we've assembled five moments from last night's episode that best illustrate Spencer's unique approach to controlling the woman in your life. When Heidi's cry for help comes, will we hear it — or it will be buried under ProTools? [MTV]

So did you hear that strange, pained keening last night at about 10pm EST? It was a great cry that went up throughout all the land as The Hills, MTV's unstoppable sloppy blown kiss of a reality series, came flouncing back to the airwaves for its fourth and (rumored!! zomg, pleeez???!) final season. And it was business as usual, with fighting and silliness and awkward new characters introduced by the Thwomp-faced Heidi. There was, like any good Chekhov play, a party. Lauren, our reluctant and vaguely sad hero, threw a rocker-attended birthday blowout for her cabana-banished roommate Audrina. She had hoped it would put the friendship back on track, but as always Lo was a Maleficent-level bitch and holed up in her room and then hah! blamed Audrina for not making any effort in the faux friendship (see above clip). Lauren then looked sad and went on a date with a guy named Doug ("...Douggg...") who my sources tell me is the heir to a frozen burrito fortune. No fucking joke. Frozen burritos. Meanwhile in the cartoonish world of Heidi and Spencer, the Piaf-esque singer had her might-as-well-not-have-a-name-she's-so-useless (on the show! she is a real person with feelings!) sister over for an extended visit. Ol' Fleshbeard was none too happy about it, because... well, it wasn't exactly clear what his problem was. Shared airtime? A worry that his sister, Spencerina, might have to cede some coverage? I'm sure we'll see the conflict explored further, because the buckiest Montag ominously intoned that she'd like to move to LA because she had nothing going on back in Colorado (what about the skiing and mega churchgoing???) and Heidi turned to the producers and made sure it was OK and then said it sounded like a good idea. If something else happened, I don't remember. I guess Whitney made some spot-on facial expressions and Justin Bobby looked pretty decent with his short hair and did I mention the frozen burrito heir? My sister called me right after and declared that, based on the scenes-from-the-next, it was going to be a good season. I agreed and we chatted for a moment, but when I hung up I realized that I had no idea what actually looked "good" about this season. I couldn't remember anything in particular, but I did feel that way at the time. And I'm not sure why. It's a mystery I'll be unpacking for months, if not years, I'm sure. In the meantime I'll grudgingly watch—pen in my hand, ending unplanned.

• Paris Hilton either added implants to "her A-cup" breasts or wants to spread gossip that she did so she can sell her stupid "push-up" bra. (Yes, you can click the thumb if you need a closer look. Yes, you will feel dirty. But don't you kinda feel that way already?) [P6]

• Roseanne Barr is outraged that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt haven't endorsed Barack Obama, so she's taken them to task on her blog for being evil and vacuous, and for "trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity." [P6, RoseanneWorld]
  

While The Hills star Audrina Patridge launched an exciting, product placement-filled blog during her summer vacation, costar Heidi Montag has mostly laid low, content to let boyfriend Spencer Pratt soak up the slings and arrows for a few months. Now, with the season four premiere set to air on MTV tonight, Montag has emerged like a gator from the water, opening her fearsome jaw not to chomp on some unlucky water fowl but to let fly the synthesized tones of her brand-new single, "Overdosin'" (excerpted after the jump!). Says Us Weekly:

A memorial rummage through the Siskel and Ebert At the Movies archives over the weekend turned up a never-before-seen clip making their program's recent dissolution all the more lamentable. To wit, behold the critical duo in their prime, debating the merits of the then fledgling MTV series The Hills. "The movie paints a tragic picture of mindless, aimless, violent and destructive behavior," Ebert notes, nevertheless endorsing the saga as a trenchant read of contemporary youth culture. His late partner Gene Siskel concurred, clearly challenged by the "hyperrealism" of its internecine 20-something Hollywood warfare and Spencer Pratt's complex douchebaggery; in their squirms and haunted eyes, the two bring an emotional resonance likely to stop miles short of new At the Movies hosts Ben Lyons and Ben Mankiewicz. And so what if Siskel and Ebert's insights sound suspiciously like those from their 1995 review of Kids? Greatness makes its own coincidence. [Songs About Buildings and Food via Fimoculous]

As if having to survive in a sweltering war zone wasn't bad enough, MTV "stars" Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have announced plans to head to Iraq to "entertain" the troops. This means Heidi will probably sing her new single and another 10,000 Americans will go home with PTSD. [People]

We haven't yet reached the part of the campaign when people accuse Barack Obama of being a Hollywood Liberal or what-have-you and insinuate that he spends far too much time hanging out with godless celebrities, but this year we look forward to it. Because old man John McCain has been a friend of the limousine liberal set for so long! Remember when Arianna Huffington revealed that he told her he didn't vote for George Bush? What she was actually revealing was that John McCain was at a dinner party in Los Angeles with Arianna Huffington. The party was hosted by Candace Bergen. West Wing stars Bradley Whitford and Richard Schiff were there. Since then, McCain's moved hard to the right, and been abandoned by his Hollywood friends. His oddball daughter, though, just had a lovely date with noted Apocalypse harbinger Heidi Montag!

"God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?" — Insufferable idiot Heidi Montag, from MTV's reality A-bomb "The Hills," commenting on the speculation that she spread rumors about a friend's sex tape.

• Charlie Sheen is sorry to black people for calling his ex-wife Denise Richards a "f—king n——r." He's especially sorry to "Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings." Ha! Richards, with whom Sheen has been bitterly feuding, doesn't get an apology, and can presumably just "f—king" deal. [Us]

• More dirt today about Anne Hathaway's breakup with Raffaello Follieri: She's living at the Gramercy Park Hotel while he's staying in a rental in Trump Tower. Evidence that this might be a PR stunt for her new movie: the exes may have met up for dinner at Cipriani last night. [Page Six]

After a bumpy spring protecting and investing their billion dollar baby Miley Cyrus, today brings news that there may be additional troubles brewing over at the Mouse House. 15-year old Selena Gomez, the rising star of the newest Disney series Wizards Of Waverly Place, whose elevator pitch was most likely "Gossip Girl Meets Harry Potter Meets Charmed But Like, Happy!," is reportedly usurping the scandal-plagued Cyrus' dimming star power. Quietly crowned “The Next Miley Cyrus” by various newsies, the Miley lookalike (minus gummy smile, plus premature Jolie-level hotness) plays Alex, whose painfully ironic mantra is "cast magic first, ask questions later." But the turbulence among competing teens trying to catch their big break by stepping over their peers left and right is a trend as old as the Mousketeers’ first dimpled disciples. After the jump, we count down our top three favorite teen feuds of yesteryear.

Watching Dave Letterman sucker-punch Hills axis of vapidity Spencer Pratt on The Late Show Friday night brought up one major question for us: why has it taken this long for a talking head to publicly shame the guylighted villain? Shilling, we presume, merely for the gruesome brand that is Spencer and Heidi, the numb and pathological Pratt answered a few very pointed questions regarding the MTV show's obvious scripted nature and what exactly Bromance nobody Brody Jenner does for a living. At that point, Letterman finally pulled out the big guns after Spencer boastfully claimed he "won't go to a club for less than $100,000." Dave's shock, insulting-yet-gentle series of guffaws and his no-beat-missed announcement that he wants Spencer off his set immediately sum up an interview too good to be true. See for yourself after the jump.

Naturally we couldn't ignore a blind item involving our favorite celebrity trend of the season, lesbian chic, that appeared in yesterday's NY Daily News. Especially when the item not only involves a starlet who dabbles in Lohan/Ronson-inspired games with the same sex, but also outs her bad boy boyfriend for helping her appear as straight as possible in the public eye. As the News asks today:

• Madonna's estranged brother Christopher Ciccone is writing a tell-all book about his sis, and it's supposed to be extremely graphic and "devastating." [Page Six]

Of all the Hills characters deserving a spin-off series, MTV is allegedly going with the single most boring, vapid, expressionless cast member whom we suspect is the sole character not popping Adderall offered up by producers between takes. Just think what a Methanie Does Manhattan show might bring, with her Tatum O’Neal-esque late-night trips to Harlem. Or Spencer Does Santa Cruz, where MTV could allow viewers to watch his eyes quite literally pop out of his enormous head upon entering the glorious land of non-working, tree-gazing beach hippies.

• Haven't seen Isaac Mizrahi around much lately? That's because he's been holed up making his own pomade, since the product he usually uses is no longer on the market. If all goes well, he might sell his new creation and call it I-Hair. [Page Six]

Heidi Montag, the gummy-faced attention-suck from The Hills, is finally ready to marry wicked boyfriend Spencer. Spencer says she taught him to be a good boy by "read[ing] me biblical passages like 'Honor thy wife.'"

Did anyone catch John McCain's two appearances on Saturday Night Live this weekend? He was sort of funny if a bit wobbly and a tad, you know, old. He's really trying to court the youngs, isn't he? What with the SNL and that horribly awkward Dwight Schrute reference on The Daily Show. Oh and the hip, young celebrity endorsements! He's got them from reality TV Hills girls, and now he's roping in soap star annoyance Leven Rambin. Read more about the influential brainless young starlets that he's got in his camp, after the jump.

The Hills star who isn't Heidi Montag or Lauren Conrad, Whitney Port, was dining at the Ivy in Los Angeles when her wardrobe malfunctioned. If you absolutely must examine a marginally NSFW gallery illustrating every moment of the incident, it's after the jump.