The human resources department at Fox News has certainly been busy the last few weeks. After dumping former Bill Clinton campaign manager-cum-conservative blowhard Dick Morris and Real Housewife of Wasilla Sarah Palin, Fox has signed on a slate of brand new contributors to wax political on the news of the day. Let's get to know them.
REPORTING LIVE FROM THE TAMPA CONVENTION CENTER'S RADIO ROW—Just moments ago, the political world's axis tilted directly towards the second floor of the Tampa Convention Center, near the back doors, where onetime pizza restaurateur Herman Cain delivered a scorching call for truth to the assembled voracious media scrum.
Former pizza slinger and (allegedly) prolific sexual harasser Herman Cain spoke at an event in Tampa tonight. The New York Times described the event as an "an alternate unity rally in a church made up mostly of Tea Party supporters," which sounds both fascinating and horrific. Cain's speech to the "several hundred" - how far you've fallen, Herman – people in attendance was about what you'd expect. The highlights:
Whatever happened to that guy, baldie, the funny mustache man, the one who was momentarily taken seriously as a Republican candidate for the Presidency of the United States of America? Pizza guy? Oh, I see—he's just writing op-eds in the WSJ to reconfirm his fundamental lunacy. What say you, Herman Cain?
On tonight's Real Time, Bill Maher closed with rant about the state of our country's political discourse. "The only politics we understand is scandal," he said, "and the only scandal we understand is sex." Maher recounted many politicians who are not held accountable for their lies until those lies involve sex. It all boils down to the very problematic way we talk about both politics and sex in the United States.
Apologies if you've just barely digested your breakfast, but the economy is dying, you unfeeling bastard, and a murdered bunny* is the only way to truly understand it.
Herman Cain may have dropped out of the Republican primary race but that doesn't mean he's gone quietly into the night. In fact, he's released a new anti-stimulus spot that may or may not have resulted in the death of a goldfish. It's a harrowing and nightmarish vision, some are even calling it "political avant-garde." Not to be outdone, Colbert unveiled his own avant-garde, which is a real winner.
Herman Cain, listed in the official program as "Former CEO, Godfather's Pizza," took the stage at about 4:30 on Thursday at the Woodley Park Marriott in Washington, D.C. It was day one of the Conservative Political Action Conference, and he was the main attraction. There had been a long line throughout the lobby before his scheduled appearance. It was an earnest crowd. The prevailing concern at the conference (I overheard one college student saying) was with showing people it was cool to be an American.
WASHINGTON, D.C.— Samuel Wurzelbacher, otherwise known as "Joe the Plumber," is still plumbing. He is running for Congress as a Republican in Ohio's Ninth District—Dennis Kucinich's turf—but he is also still plumbing. He just did a job for a friend two weeks ago. He says he will plumb for life.
On tonight's Colbert Report, Stephen took a look at some of the notable people who have come out in support of Newt Gingrich: Herman Cain, Duke Cunningham and, of course, Sarah Palin. What a well rounded bunch, those three. Taking their example, Stephen pledges his support of Newt as well. Unless Romney wins in Florida, which would change everything. Or nothing.
What is next for Herman Cain? The world has been waiting the answer since that fateful Atlanta morn. Perhaps he could be a corporate lobbyist? The big money's there. Or an Applebee's waiter! See how the other half lives and all that. And then there's always the chance to go lesbian for a while in a lesbian art colony. Now's the time to experiment before getting tied down in some career. But no, it looks like he's just going to ride a bus and talk about his tax plan.
Lies: They travel halfway round the world before the truth gets its boots on. If you don't tell them, you never have to remember anything. Ask me no questions and I won't tell you any. The year that now comes to an end was, like all years, riddled with them. Grand lies and small ones, grave ones and frivolous ones, true ones and false ones—check that. They were all false. Here is a list of some of them that really caught my attention.
Professional troll Herman Cain announced he was suspending his presidential campaign on Saturday after weeks of sexual harassment/affair allegations proved too much for the simpleton to ever effectively deny on television. So on tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart sent Cain off in style by mocking pretty much every element of his farewell address.
"What's it like to have sex with Herman Cain?" is one of the key unanswered questions of the 2012 presidential race. And now, thanks to former mistress Ginger White, we have an idea: Sex with Herman Cain is boring. And a little bit emotionally weird.
Hyperactive pepperoni stick Herman Cain just emerged from his big-ass tour bus, theme song playing and teensy wife by his side, to take to a rental podium and announce that he's suspending his presidential campaign. You all distracted him with your accusations about affairs and leg-touching moments too much!
