• Mike Myers and his wife of the past 12 years, Robin Ruzan (whose Jewish mother was the inspiration behind Myers' Linda Richman character on Saturday Night Live), have filed for divorce. What went wrong? By using the clues in Gawker Stalker, you can piece together the decline of a marriage and the rise of an alcoholic. Which is exactly what we designed the feature for. [The Apiary]
• A court has lifted a Santa Fe woman's restraining order against David Letterman, who, she claims, used code words during his show to give her instructions on how to eat crayons and wear tinfoil hats. [AP]
• When bloggers turn unreasonably nasty on commonfolk, nobody wins. It's akin to cannibalism, snarking on one's own kind. [Perez Hilton]
• Yes, we know that horsey 90210 alum Tori Spelling is engaged to a new beau, despite being not yet divorced from her ex-husband. May her new man enjoy riding her around the Spelling mansion. [Us Weekly]
• Patrick Swayze is delving into hip-hop, using "rap rhythms as an emotional undercurrent for ballads." We always felt Dirty Dancing would be profoundly improved with the addition of gold teeth and bitches. [AllHipHop]
• You may consider yourself a gay wino, but are you gay and drunk enough to own a collectible bottle of Madonna's "Confessions on a Dance Floor" wine? [Celebrity Cellars]
• A new sense of pity for Women's Wear Daily reporter Jacob Bernstein, whose mother Nora Ephron will never be happy until her baby boy finds her a cabbage strudel. [NYT]

• While public sentiment believes that actress Sienna Miller is patching up her romance with cheating tramp Jude Law, Miller was seen getting "cozy" with Leonardo DiCaprio at Bungalow 8. And as we all know, the walls at B8 never lie. [Scoop]
• Donald Trump stops just short of calling his pregnant wife Melania Knauss a big-titted "monster" on Howard Stern. Like mama said, money can't buy class. [Page Six]
• Danny Bonaduce will pose nude for Vanity Fair — because magazines don't really want to, like, sell copies or anything. [Lowdown]
• Token white rapper Eminem is set to rewed Kim Mathers, the coke-loving mother of his child. We can't wait till they divorce and he writes some more heartfelt songs about locking her in a trunk and killing her. [R&M]
• Jay-Z is being sued by former pro-wrestler Diamond Dallas Page for stealing his gang sign. [Page Six]

We spent a healthy chunk of our weekend ruminating on 50 Cent, as we often do, and his new publishing imprint — but that can only occupy us for so long. 50 is interesting, but let's talk about the man behind the man: what about his agent, Marc Gerald?

The Today show just had a strange interview with controversial rapper 50 Cent, filmed at his 52-room mansion in Farmington, Connecticut (ghetto dreams only come true in WASPy enclaves). After Katie Couric awkwardly introduced the footage from his "crib," a correspondent did her damnedest to illustrate how 50 had cultivated an empire based on "his gangsta image." The entire segment was rather uneventful, save for this final interaction:

• Madonna continues to dominate the Gay circuit with talk of Broadway. She claims to have material for a musical, the very thought of which could cause Chelsea to spontaneously combust. Go slowly, Madge. [Scoop]
• When thugular rapper 50 Cent was shot 9 times, the incident gave him the necessary street cred. But if the shooter was nicknamed "Hommo," does that render all cred moot? [Page Six]
• Nicky Hilton, Kimberly Stewart, and Bijou Phillips brave Hurricane Wilma to attend the opening of an envelope in South Beach. [R&M (bottom of page)]
• The National Enquirer finally dumps Anna Nicole Smith's attempt at a column, presumably because it was utterly incoherent save for the pictures of her dog. [Page Six]
• Like all reality show winners, the Apprentice's Kendra Todd has an engorged sense of self-importance. Made in her mentor's likeness, we suppose. [Lowdown]

• The wit and wisdom of Anderson Cooper: "Going gray is like ejaculation. You know it can happen prematurely, but when it actually does, it's a total shock." If his $1 million book deal means we'll read prose half as stunning as this, we're sold. [CNN]
• This man is NOT the Jeffrey Goldberg from the New Yorker. [Goldmark]
• After a brief mess with immigration officials, Martha Stewart has been permitted to head into Nova Scotia this weekend, where she will row a 600-lb. pumpkin across a lake. Aren't Canadian matters of national security so quaint? [Reuters]
• Sleep soundly, Manhattan: NYPD has arrested yet another evil graffiti artist. [NYP]
• Exclusivity-obsessed masses, your next stop is The Back Room on Norfolk Street. And so La Esquina fades into obscurity. [Eater]
• Two years after his retirement, rapper Jay-Z plans on making a comeback. Yeah, you didn't see that one coming. [ContactMusic]

According to this pleasant little report, incredithug rapper 50 Cent recently decided to give back to the New York community as much as possible in as little time as necessary: By merely handing out cash to kids. Alas, the man who made his name getting shot 5267 times was none too careful when counting his dollar bills. Instead of handing out $1800 as he intended, Fiddy mistakenly gave away $18000 to the neighborhood kids, prompting hysterics.

In the spirit of service journalism (and sisterhood, dammit) we're happy to provide you with the official mailing address for rapper Lil' Kim, who was recently incarcerated for perjury. Please ready your care packages and send them to the following address:

If you haven't already, you might want to familiarize yourself with The Party Party, a remix project featuring vocals from the administration's finest. The White Lines track appropriately features a voice-over from George W. Bush, highlighted by the following lyrics:

• Post EIC Col Allan throws down to defend his deputy editor Colin Myler in a Soho House brawl with some unnamed Aussie journo. Holy shit, does this mean Soho House is cool again? [R&M]
• A moment of silence, please, for the relationship between hip-hop mogul Jay-Z and his business partner Damon Dash. Dash is selling his share of the rapper's Rocawear for nearly $30 million, which is almost enough to numb the wounds of a friendship lost. [Page Six]
• Sopranos star Jamie-Lynn Siegler has split from her husband, AJ DiScala — and just in time for San Gennaro. [Gatecrasher]
• If we were the club promoter mentioned in this incredibly not-blind blind item, we'd probably ban Page Sixers from Bungalow 8. [Page Six]
• Is George Clooney banging a young stylist? Oh, the horror of mingling with the working class. [Lowdown (2nd item)]

• Courtesy of The Daily Show's extra footage, it's author Kurt Vonnegut's unaired list of liberal crap he never wants to hear again. [CC]
• Does even the fashion set find fashion underwhelming? Can we not rally for Fashion Week fabulousness? Or did Katrina wash away our sense of style, too? [NYO]
• NYC IS EDGY, so much so that your Vitamin Water may be made of Drano. [Release the Kraken]
• Not even confetti dares to touch Vogue editor Anna Wintour. [OAN]
• Because sucking off Vincent Gallo in Brown Bunny simply wasn't enough, actress Chloe Sevigny has now taken on the role of a nun-ho. [Cinematical]
• Foxy Brown is being sued by designer Tanya Manderson, who alleges that the rapper falsely accused Manderson of beating the crap out of her in a bathroom. Clearly, the guilty party was actually Naomi Campbell. [KGET]
• And, finally, another devastating blow to The Gays: Central Park's famous homo penguins have broken up, as one chose to explore a relationship with a female. [ChiTrib]

• Actress Vivica Fox insults rapper 50 Cent's handling of their relationship, deeming it to be "ghetto love." As if she expected anything more of a man who considers a bulletproof vest part of a three-piece suit. [Scoop]
• Determined to convince Jennifer Lopez of the evils of fur, PETA-loving Beatle-wife Heather Mills McCartney personally marched a video of animals being skinned alive over to Lopez's Sweetface clothing offices. Alas, Lopez wasn't around for a viewing. We doubt she even knows she has a Sweetface clothing line. [Lowdown]
• French tabloids regurgitate old quotes from Desperate Housewives' Eva Longoria to make it seem as if she's cheating on her basketballing boy-toy Tony Parker. How appalling; our American gossip columns would never do such a thing. [Page Six]
• Director Guy Ritchie shoves lamb roast in Madonna's face, to which his wife responds by dumping couscous in his lap. All this loving laughter, however, does not change the fact that his latest film reportedly sucks. [R&M]

On Monday, Rapper Lil' Kim will begin serving her year-long prison stint for lying under oath during a case involving gunfire exchanged between her associates and that of rival hip-hopista Foxy Brown. How, we wonder, will Kim spend her last days as a free woman?

• Farewell, soon, to the Tara Reid self-loathing index: Looks like the show's been canned and E! has sent the troops home. Poor Tara. She can't even have a career as an alcoholic. [Defamer]
• Kudos to socialite Fabian Basabe for his appearance on today's Oprah. Notable quotable: "A lot of people think that being a socialite is just a bunch of rich kids running around, doing nothing. That's incorrect...being social is a career." If this isn't proof positive of our failed education system, we don't know what is.
• Kanye West refuses to remove his iPod long enough to pay due to Fashion Week. Obviously, Kanye West does not care about skinny people. [OAN]
• We swear this is the last O.C. reference we'll make, uh, today, but our crack-smoking little brother has taken up the cultural cause: Odds that "while Seth is away in prison, Summer uses Captain Oats as a dildo - 3,500/1." Call your bookies. [Oddjack]
• Not even Fox is ready for hurricane humor; the network holds an episode of The Family Guy that contained "a couple" of references to a hurricane. [B&C]
• Au revoir, Chelsea piers? [The Real Estate]
• Hip-hop jack-of-all-crap Diddy gets all Trump-y on us and is rumored to be working on opening a hotel in Atlantic City. [Hotelchatter]
• Did Coney Island's legendary roller coaster-cum-death machine, the Cyclone, break on Saturday? And if the only outlet to document it is Craigslist, does it mean it ever really happened? [Craigslist]
• OMG, LA Weekly's Nikki Finke said something nice. [LAW]

It was the freak-out heard 'round the world: On Friday night's "all-star" hurricane relief telethon, the usually cocktastic rapper Kanye West decided not to read his script and, instead of speaking about the devastation this-and-that, went fantastically batshit. "I hate the way they portray us in the media," he began, launching into a tirade about how terrible it is to see his people suffering in such a manner and how he was ashamed to have gone shopping (probably for the very outfit he was wearing during the broadcast) before donating a single cent.

• Oh. My. God. Currently imprisoned Michael Lohan, father of innocent actress Lindsay, has penned a song to his daughter. And he sent it to Lloyd Grove, who's reprinted it in all of its glory. A sampling: I loved and protected you, I was THERE through it all./I do admit, I did at times fall./But these things you know were due to "THEM"/The ones that want to have a piece of my gem! [Lowdown]
• More hurricane tragedy: Rapper Juvenile's New Orleans home has been destroyed. Trent Lott's we could handle, but not this. [R&M (2nd item)]
• A holla to our favorite Star Jones impersonator, drag queen Flotilla DeBarge, who shared the Next mag Out There Award for Press Whore of the Year with gay porn star Michael Lucas. We're surprised the award didn't go to the actual Jones, but maybe next year. [Page Six]

• In Monday's issue of Time magazine's Style & Design, former Gucci prince Tom Ford tells editor Kate Betts that leaving Gucci "was horrible. I did not want to leave. I was deeply, deeply depressed for probably six months. I felt like my life might just end." Funny, we usually start feeling better about ourselves after we leave the Gucci store.
• Your tattoo of Interpol bassist Carlos D is forever, just like his herpes. [ToTC]
• Snoop Dogg will NOT have his image misappropriated, and his lawyer will fuck you doggystyle if you dare to do so. [TSG]
• Bomb Secretary Donald Rumsfeld will appear on Letterman next week. We didn't realize how funny that Iraq situation is 'till now! [AP]
• When all else fails, blame The Gays for Hurricane Katrina. God knows they started the Tsunami, too. [365gay]

• When asked whether or not she and Paris Latsis were really getting married, Paris Hilton replies, "I don't know, I'm just having fun!" For once, we're certain that Paris is being completely honest. [Page Six]
• More from the VMAs in Miami: Drinking! Debauchery! Shootings! Photo Ops! Ancient History! [R&M]
• If you really want to get out of jury duty, just be 50 Cent's publicist. [Lowdown (last item)]
• It's the news you've been waiting for: On Martha Stewart's version of The Apprentice, she'll reportedly replace Donald Trump's "You're fired!" with the positively irritating, "You just don't fit in." [Page Six]
• It's a shame that former Playmate Jenny McCarthy is getting divorced; it really renders moot that $1 million deal for her book on marriage. [Scoop]

From left: Jay-Z, Nas, and 50 Cent pose for their senior class portraits.
In honor of Death Row Records founder Suge Knight's celebratory VMA cap in the leg, the sneaky fellows over at The Smoking Gun got their hands on a secret NYPD dossier devoted exclusively to the shenanigans of our city's finest hip-hop stars. Upon running through the pages, we were impressed to learn that when attacked, sweet little 50 Cent called the authorities himself. Interesting, as we always figured he'd be the type to douse his chest in bourbon, remove a bullet and stitch himself up without ever saying a word.

When you're driving a black SUV full of cocaine and Belvedere vodka through Times Square, you're practically guaranteed to run into Damon Dash.