• Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton stop disappointingly short of bitchslapping one another on Friday night. Don't worry — soon enough, they'll destroy one another and turn to white dust. [TMZ]
• Barbra Streisand and James Brolin actually talk their way into getting free movie tickets. Even more offensive, they were for M:I:3. [Lowdown]
• NBC's new line-up looks dismal; as punishment for the continued suckage, entertainment chief Kevin Reilly will likely take the fall over Jeff Zucker. That's what you get for not converting. [Page Six]
• Director Brian Grazer is a fan of what some call mantling: placing a framed picture of yourself amongst your hosts' other pictures. [R&M]
• Madonna is spotted in LA without her wedding ring, fueling more speculation about the state of her marriage with Guy Ritchie. Nothing that couldn't be fixed with a romantic hot tub full of Kabbalah water. [Scoop]
• Ja Rule's posse is so dedicated, they'll even slap his bitches for him. [Page Six]

Is there any doubt that New York's hip-hop stations are the city's pinnacles of merriment? Wanting nothing but to keep their listeners happily engaged, they go above and beyond just DJs and music — Hot 97 gives us bullets, and now Power 105 gives us kiddie porn. Unfortunately, the latter station has fired on-air personality Star for being too entertaining:

In a filing with the State Supreme Court, the District Council of Carpenters has sought to boot hip-hop radio station Hot 97 (WQHT) from its offices in the union-owned building at 395 Hudson Street; union members have also nailed an eviction notice to the station's front doors. The council maintains that WQHT is responsible for a slew of violent incidents "that have shocked, offended, repulsed, or threatened the safety of other tenants" in the building. Episodes range from verbal confrontations (such as when DMX kindly informed a guard that that he was a "$8.50 an hour fuckwit") to actual gunshots. For your entertainment, the Smoking Gun has 16 entertaining pages detailing the specific confrontations.

• Though Lindsay Lohan and director Brett Ratner are "just friends," the 19-year-old starlet flipped when she found him in bed with his girlfriend, Alina Puscau. If we saw Ratner in a lusty state of undress, we'd lose our shit, too. [Page Six]
• Rush Limbaugh turns himself in on prescription drug charges and is released an hour later on $3,000 bail. Surely that harrowing experience has taught him a lesson. [TMZ]
• At the Capitol File party following the White House Correspondents Dinner, rapper Ludacris and Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia talk about music. As expected, Scalia loves Word of Mouf. [Lowdown]
• Feeling that perhaps Dallas wasn't the best career move, J.Lo drops ICM agent Ed Limato in favor of William Morris' Dave Wirtschafter. If Wirtschafter talks shit about her in a major magazine, it can only help her career. [Page Six]
• Broadway producers Fran and Barry Weissler pinch-pennies, lose surefire hit production because of thrifty hotel choice. [R&M]
• Rupert Murdoch refuses to give Daily News gossip Ben Widdicombe any marriage tips. The much-younger, Asian wife speaks for herself. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]

A question that actually, really, truthfully appears on page 90 of the current Elle, the "Elle Fashion Insider: Know-It-All" advice page:

• After her baby Sean was effectively dropped on his head, Britney Spears looks to sue the makers of the high chair the child had been in. If only she could sue the makers of retarded white trash, too. Then all her problems would be accounted for. [Scoop]
• Oh, yeah — Brooke Shields also had her baby yesterday. Just to spite Tom Cruise, Baby Grier (that's a girl's name, apparently) is already on antidepressants. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Spikey-haired producer Brian Grazer has filed for legal separation from his wife Gigi — but not divorce. Pussy too scared to take it all the way? [TMZ]
• An elevator at the Gansevoort hotel was overcrowded, causing a free-fall that stopped between the fourth and fifth floors and forced everyone to pry their way out. That's what happens when you have 18 drunken Eurotrashers in a confined space. [Page Six]
• Eminem is devasted after the death of his friend, D-12 rapper Proof. The death should be an uplifting occasion — now Proof has street cred in heaven. Meanwhile, his ex-wife has taken to emailing Star magazine. No wonder he's suicidal. [Gatecrasher]
• Angelina Jolie, lesbian sex, exotic dancers, heroin, death — just another day in 1995. [Page Six]

• Random and completely unconfirmed, but we hear Ron Burkle is hosting a "celebratory" dinner for Bill and Hillary Clinton on April 21. Richard Johnson will be flown out to the event for free, we're sure.
• Apropos the current Page Six scandal, Nerve seeks sex advice from gossip columnists. What we learn: If Jared Paul Stern asks for hush sex instead of hush money, you shouldn't do it. [Nerve]
• At mediabistro's bootcamp for Men's Magazine Writing, freelancers will find themselves well-equipped to pitch and write for a soon-to-fold publication. [mb]
• Barney's high and mighty window man Simon Doonan defiles the art world by ripping off Jack Pierson for the past 20 years — before he even knew he Pierson was, in fact. He's that evil. [NYO]
• Not only does the Post have an honest to god formula for measuring the hotness of one's own ass, but they even got Sir Mix-a-Lot to comment. [NYP]
• Dare we say it? Frank Bruni, we can see you gushing. [Diner's Journal]
• Great news, everyone: "Actor" Frankie Muniz has given up his life as a thespian in order to pursue his dream of being a full-time race car driver. A Pesach miracle! [Defamer]

• CBS Evening News' current anchor Bob Schieffer takes his replacement, Katie Couric, to a very public lunch at Michael's. Nothing like a publicly staged lovefest to hide the violent animosity. [Lowdown]
• A New York call girl has penned a tell-all (of course), in which she tells of "crack-fuelled," kinky sex with West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin (of course). [Page Six]
• An anonymous friend worries that rapper Eminem may try to hurt himself. Better that than his estranged wife, we guess? [Media Takeout]
• Famed fabulist James Frey emerges from hiding just long enough to donate a batch of signed copies of A Million Little Pieces for an ASPCA auction to raise money for a Louisiana shelter. Aw, now those poor puppies will never survive. [Page Six]
• Actor Dennis Hopper admits that he voted for Bush, and yet he still prances about lower Manhattan, relatively unharmed. [R&M (2nd item)]

• Because a Mexican orphan is the best image makeover money can buy, Jessica Simpson is considering adoption. Next, she'll fuck Brad Pitt and swap vials of blood with Kofi Annan. [AP]
• In crazy heiress news that spans across the ages, 26-year-old Casey Johnson is accusing her aunt, Libet Johnson, 55, of sleeping with 38-year-old talent manager John Dee, who Casey claims is her boyfriend. Dee denies any relationship with Casey, but the rift between the Johnson women will not mend — not without a threesome, anyhow. [Page Six]
• After two years of sobriety, James Gandolfini is back to hitting the bottle. When adequately sauced, he can be seen licking young ladies' faces. [Gatecrasher]
• Nicolette Sheridan isn't doing any favors for Michael Bolton in the bedroom. [Scoop]
• True to form, rapper Busta Rhymes informs us all that he "fucking hates faggots." If that's the case, we'd love to know why he was seen in a diner full of trannies. [Page Six]
• Someone please, please tar and feather Sharon Stone. [Lowdown]
• Rosie O'Donnell reads Gawker Stalker — and shockingly, she's not fearing for her life. [Fox411]

We were unable to get to Philadelphia in time, but it seems that there was a "grassroots" press conference held yesterday in support of incarcerated rapper Lil' Kim, who is serving time for lying on the stand regarding a shooting outside of NYC radio station Hot 97. Apparently her fans feel Kim's had a "lack of assistance" in prison, likely regarding her reportedly leaky breast implants.

• Oscar night wrap-up: Page Six molests Mariah Carey, Mickey Rourke runs from Bill Bratton, Vince Vaughn glues himself to Jennifer Aniston, and the smaller-than-usual Vanity Fair party was a success, despite Graydon's pants. [Page Six]
• Perhaps the VF party was a hit because Salman Rushdie was hanging with the Three 6 Mafia. [R&M]
• Suzanne Somers loses the limelight when Madonna arrives at the VF party at the same time. We didn't know Somers still had the limelight to begin with. [Lowdown]
• George Clooney celebrates his Oscar win by possibly rekindling old flame Krista Allen. Soft-core Baywatch girls are so irresistable. [Scoop]
• And in non-Oscar news, rapper Lil' John ventures into porn, filming a movie in which he might show us his cock instead of his blingy grill. We're on the fence about whether this is an improvement or not. [Page Six]

• Hip-Hop mogul Damon Dash keeps the area around 89th Street and Central Park West safe for his son, whose cell phone was stolen by local "thugs." Next up, Dash will work on eliminating gang activity outside Dylan's Candy Store. [Page Six]
• Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt settle the details of their divorce: He gets the production company, she gets the house and the bloated alcoholic. [IMDb]
• Model Molly Simms is reportedly unhappy with her picture in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. As it turns out, most women don't enjoy looking like Vegas hookers. [Gatecrasher]
• Rapper Eve falls for Teodorin Nguema Obiang, the son of Equitorial Guinea dictator Teodoro Nguema. Spending Christmas on Paul Allen's yacht, however, makes it easy for to Eve to forget that whole torture situation. [R&M]
• Because he knows how to read, Henry Rollins is a threat to Australian national security. [Page Six]
• Chelsea Clinton lays low with her new boyfriend, Goldman Sachs banker Marc Mezvinsky. Not that we were particularly intrigued by the whole situation. [Lowdown]

• Britney Spears might be a repeat offender when it comes to child neglect. Spears' other repeated offenses include releasing albums, wearing scrunchies, and humping K-Fed. [TMZ]
• Courtney Love reportedly has her shit together and was acting, yes, like a lady at the Chateau Marmont. Unfortunately, she's so reformed that we're not sure New York will ever get her back. Time to start auditioning replacements. [Page Six]
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban give one another cold, Aussie glares. [IOL]
• Jay-Z is reportedly at work at another album. No surprise there — everyone knows that when speaking Hova, "retirement" means "new record." [Page Six]
• Mario Batali's landlord thinks he's a orange-clogged pirate. [Lowdown]
• Ralph Fiennes ends his 11-year romance with Francesca Annis. 'Tis the season, after all. [R&M]

In our post-Grammy stupor (oh, Teri Hatcher — why? Why?), unable to find the strength to change the channel, we found ourselves watching the local CBS news at 11 last night. There was a segment on this weekend's murder of Busta Rhymes' jewelry guard, in which they asked the predictably pressing question of whether or not the hard-ass hip-hop image encourages violence. "First Biggie, then Tupac, and now Busta's bodyguard..." Sigh. You know where this is headed, don't you?

As if you didn't already know the entire story from the Post's tasteful choice in headline, rapper Busta Rhymes' video shoot in Greenpoint ended with the murder of 29-year-old Israel Ramirez, who had the unfortunate job of managing Busta's varied pieces of jewelry. While authorities haven't made any arrests, they want to speak with Tony Yayo, a member of 50 Cent's G-Unit posse (obviously). Yayo apparently showed up to the shoot thinking he would appear in the video, but angrily left after he learned that he would not be making a cameo.

MC JC [The Hanging Stranger]
Earlier: Rolling Stone and Kanye: Jesus Walks, Poses, Gives Interviews

• The Catholics respond to the Kanye West's Jesusy Rolling Stone as exploitation of a poor soul, and the work of a "morally and mentally challenged" person. Personally, we'd never talk about Jann Wenner like that. [R&M]
• Ellen Barkin is in the process of moving her life out of soon-to-be-ex-hubby Ron Perelman's 63rd Street fortess — but where she moves to depends on whether or not their divorce misses some pre-nup deadlines. [Page Six]
• At one of the dozens of Sundance parties, a junior publicist for Harrison Shriftman faints. A witness describes this as "buzzkill." Yeah, dude, losing consciousness totally harshes on our mellow. [Lowdown (2nd to last)]
• Actor Chris Penn, brother of Sean, is dead at 40, and no one seems to know why. [Defamer]
• Tommy Mottola is a mean, a racist, and now, interested in some a very, very devilish television development. [Page Six]

Rapper Kanye West dominates the latest issue of Rolling Stone, which should hit stands tomorrow. In the interview, West divulges that he's dating a young MTV staffer, reveals how to walk on water, and discusses his responsibilities as Son of Man. We recommend you click the image to enlarge, just so you can appreciate the Christ-like detail in His bloody gashes and crown of thorns.

• Best. Headline. Ever: "Hilton Publicists Fight Paris Peeing Claims." Do you even need the accompanying story? Oh, hell yes, you do. A Maui taxi driver claims that heiress was so drunk she pissed herself in the cab, creating a mess the driver was then forced to mop up with a towel. Of course, he has the towel and plans to using her DNA to prove his claim. We can't wait 'til we have the chance to buy that very towel on eBay. [WENN]
• Meg Ryan adopts a Chinese baby, names him Naddox, and hopes for a career miracle. [IMDb]
• Desperate to be remembered for something more than "Hey Ma," rapper Cam'ron releases an eight minute dis on Def Jam chair and professional Hova Jay-Z. [R&M]
• Sony Corp. chief Sir Howard Stringer tells bad jokes; Lloyd Grove dutifully transcribes. [Lowdown]
• Chef Rocco DiSpirito isn't gay. He just hangs with lap-dancing trannies. [Page Six]

We feel like we say this more than we ever should for a Times reporter, but: poor Lola Oguinnake. She's got an enviable beat, digging up the latest in arts, nightlife, and pop culture — and yet she gets stuck trolling around Marquee or watching Nicole Richie pretend to eat. And as if these subjects weren't punishment enough, today Oguinnake profiles insanely successful music producer Scott Storch, the grotesque man responsible for Paris Hilton's forthcoming album and, perhaps, 70% of Louis Vuitton's profits. From what we can tell, Storch's only redeeming quality is that he smoked enough weed in Oguinnake's presence to give her a lovely secondhand high.