House Republicans will give President Obama the vote he requested on a "clean" debt ceiling hike today, meaning one without any spending cuts attached. Every Republican and at least half of Democrats are expected to vote against it, thereby giving Republicans the opportunity to say to the president, See? We told you that a bill to prevent America from defaulting on its debt and the global economy from collapsing wouldn't pass without some fundamental changes to the social contract attached, so now let's, uh, end Medicare or some such. What a world, right?

Now here's something you couldn't have imagined: Members of Congress tend to outperform the stock market with their personal investments! And you all thought they were so stupid.

Despite everything, the French are pretty happy with Mel Gibson right now. Also today: even more network TV news, this time from the CW, plus an update on prestige cabler AMC.

It doesn't seem like America's path towards deficit reduction will include Rep. Paul Ryan's plan to privatize and voucherize Medicare anymore, friends. Why? Because President Obama was such a jerk about it.

There is some lightly sourced babble at Reuters today about "desire at the highest ranks of the Republican Party" for House Budget Committee chair Rep. Paul Ryan to launch a presidential bid. This is partially confirmed by more lightly sourced babble on Twitter. There's a slim chance of this ever happening — Paul Ryan, for one, has no interest — but with Obama's poll numbers slinking further into the crapper, Republican elites are still looking for new candidates with scalable support. If they decide he's their guy, they'll force him to do it.

House Speaker John Boehner has a message for Mexicans: Drop dead. No, we're sure he loves the Mexicans. But not enough to throw them, and Americans of Mexican heritage, a Capitol Hill party for Cinco de Mayo.

The House of Representatives passed Paul Ryan's Path to Prosperity budget this afternoon. It will die in the Senate, of course, but now it goes on record as the House Republicans' official fiscal plan for the future.

Here's Maryland Democratic Rep. Donna Edwards quoting the White Stripes song "Effect and Cause" at length on the House floor. The lyrical content urges Republicans to prevent a painful government shutdown for which they would take the blame. We don't know! She's reading way too fast for a Friday afternoon. "La la la la Republicans are mean la la la splat" approximates it close enough.

The city of Washington D.C. will be hammered by a prolonged government shutdown. The D.C. government manages its own budget, but because of its unique form of slavery, the money technically needs to be appropriated by the House of Representatives. And since "government shutdown" is just the shorthand term for "no appropriations," the city government of Washington D.C. can only offer essential services during a shutdown. In other words, no trash pick up! So some residents are just planning to dump their waste outside Speaker John Boehner's "house" instead, which is kind of mean.

Notorious Scottsdale porn scribe Rep. Ben Quayle is already making a name for himself during his freshman House term. Unfortunately, most of that is due to his terrible standup comedy. But the boy wonder now has an opportunity to redeem himself and restore the Quayle family name to its fading 1980s glory. He's been tasked with ensuring America's earthquake preparedness, from his chair in a House subcommittee.

During a closed-door meeting today, Speaker John Boehner "thanked the House Republicans for standing by him and supporting him through these tense negotiations," for which he received a standing ovation. Then he cried again. Can we ban Congress now?

Congress still hasn't reached a deal on a continuing resolution to fund the government through September, so we're less than 48 hours away from a government shutdown. Departments and agencies are exhausting most of their time now in panic and preparation. The administration has put out a figure for total furloughed employees: 800,000. Here are more letters from individual federal employees and contractors about how a shutdown would affect them, and what they're hearing. Do you have something to share? Share your greatest fears with newell@gawker.com.

Former Rep. John Adler of New Jersey, a one-term Democratic congressman who lost his seat last November, has died. Adler, who was 51, had undergone emergency heart surgery last month for staph bacterial endocarditis.

The masters of legislative oversight who currently make up America's House Republican majority has another little beef to settle, this time with that most sinister of Washington special interests: The American Association of Retired Persons, a.k.a. the lobby for old people things. If only these geriatrics hadn't endorsed last year's health care reform law, maybe Republicans could've turned a blind eye to such corrupt practices as bribes that ensure Matlock reruns never disappear from daytime television programming. But they did endorse it, so House Republicans are planning hearings.

One of the House Republicans' budget cuts that got the most attention while they were crafting their spending bill for the next six months was the elimination of all federal funding to Planned Parenthood. The organization, which provides women's health and family planning services up to and including scary abortions, was obviously a popular target for the Republicans to satisfy their base with. Go to any conservative protest, over health care reform, taxes, Mexicans, whatever, and the anti-abortion folks are always the last ones there, screaming and hollering deep into the night.

Music site Spinning Soul reports that R&B/disco legend Loleatta Holloway died "following a brief illness." Holloway, who started her career as a gospel and R&B singer, found success as a disco act in the late 1970s—but she might be most famous for providing the hook for Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch's "Good Vibrations" (a sample from her "Love Sensation.") Above, Holloway performing "Hit & Run."

The House Republicans' vote to strip NPR of federal funding yesterday was great news for funnyman Democratic Rep. Anthony Weiner! It gave him the opportunity to rant sarcastically, again, with a monologue he probably spent all night working on. Since House votes are automatic party-line approvals for whatever Republicans want nowadays, these bitter Weiner rants are pretty much the only reason for Democrats to pay attention to the chamber at all.

America's about to get fixed, everyone, because Sharron Angle is returning to politics! Angle, a comical nutcase, was last seen losing a Nevada Senate race in a strong Republican year to Harry Reid, one of the most disliked persons in the nation. But now she's getting everyone back together for a House run in 2012, as she announced with this delightful video today.

How do the GOP's hot studs in the House get psyched for their days of killer budget cuts and rape redefining? We'd always assumed cocaine! And maybe that's still true. But mostly it's this set of XTREME infomercial workout DVDs that they love.

Maybe you news junkies have been paying so much attention to the actual major news events in Japan, North Africa, the Middle East and various state governments that you forgot about the incompetent dumpheads in Washington, who haven't been able to accomplish anything beyond funding the government every couple of weeks after days of serial posturing about nothing. So let's get this update out of the way and then return to the news: The federal government will probably get funded for another three weeks. Thank your members of Congress!