· We suppose that the Celebrity Puke Match Game is pretty easy if you've been keeping up with your celeb-chunk-blowing gossip.
· A Valentine's Day heartwarmer if ever there was one: Donor 150 meets some of the kids made with his sperm bank donations. [via LAO]
·Had your fill of Studio 60 parodies yet? No? Then here's Stall 60.
· Howard Stern announces his engagement, quickly followed by a description of the post-engagement fucking he and new fiancée Beth Ostrosky did once he handed over the diamond. Sadly, a celebratory game of Anal Ring Toss was not invovled.

• Factory Girl director George Hickenlooper was "forcibly ejected" from oily heir Brandon Davis's hotel room for... not being French or medicated enough? [Transom]
  

• Conrad Black allegedly "engaged in insider trading and used anonymous Internet postings to pump his company's flagging stock." Say what you will about the guy, he's not afraid to get his fingers dirty. [NYP]
  

• Ravelston, the company through which Conrad Black controlled Hollinger International, plead out to fraud. [Guardian]
  

Former SNL head writer and current 30 Rock inspiration/star/showrunner Tina Fey was a guest on Howard Stern's Sirius radio show this morning, and she was pleasantly forthcoming with some behind-the-scenes reminiscences of Paris Hilton's stint as guest host. CityRag jotted down some of the fond memories:

• Oh thank God, Brandon Davis is fucked up again. The drunken oil heir climbed on stage at a Miami club and told the crowd he'd written a special new song called "Firecrotch," just for Lindsay Lohan. Hope it's a B-side on Paris Hilton's single. [Page Six]
• Britney Spears to name her second child "Accident." That is, at least until the poor thing gets eaten by K-Fed's pet sharks. [Scoop]
• Jessica Simpson fires her agent after the poor soul dared to get in a fight with her father, Joe Simpson. [Us Weekly]
• This one's a stretch, but: Christie Brinkley's estranged, philandering husband Peter Cook is such a bad man, his son had to miss a Little League game. [Page Six]
• Howard Stern couldn't attend the funeral for his producer's father because girlfriend Beth Ostrosky broke her ankle. Whore. [R&M (2nd item)]

Online gossip Mario Lavandeira was on Howard Stern this morning, yapping about whatever celebrity's drink he held last night — but when Stern asked him whether or not he worked for the celebrity weeklies, Lavandeira got more clammy than a diarrhetic's hands. He responded that he simply couldn't answer that question, explaining (to paraphrase), "I signed all these agreements, I can't even say I worked there." Lavandeira then added that every single one of the gossip rags printed lies, save for Us Weekly and People. Of course, this comes from a man who regularly contributed to In Touch — so he would know. Bauer, meanwhile, must be thrilled.

• Brangelina, Shiloh, and "those other kids" plan on returning to Malibu this weekend. When their plane touches American soil, our country will celebrate the reclaiming of our national treasures. [TMZ]
• After his jokes about Brokeback Mountain, Howard Stern gets snubbed by Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams. At Nobu, no less, for bonus shaming points. [Page Six]
• For every tabloid tell-all book, there's a spurned ex-boyfriend getting a gun permit. In Bridget Harrison's Tabloid Love, it's the Post's Jesse Angelo; for Deborah Schoeneman's 4% Famous, it's Rocco DiSpirito. [R&M (2nd item)]
• 59-year-old actor James Woods is now dating his daughter, 20-year-old Ashley Madison. [Lowdown]
• Barbra Streisand tours again! Cue fainting Gays! [IMDb]
• Fake David Cross is to the East Village and Lower East Side as Fake Jimmy Buffet is to the Hamptons. [Page Six]

• Howard Stern and CBS reach settlement. We can't quite motivate to care. [NYDN]
• The L Magazine goes glossy. We can't really seem to make ourselves too excited about this one, either. [The L]
• Ratings for books would solve all sorts of problems. We like the "FNF" rating — "fictional nonfiction." [TONY]

· Sirius' one-time, $225 million stock payment to Howard Stern contributes to the company's $459 million loss. Still, the company's stock rose six percent, supporting the perceived value to satellite radio of having porn stars ride orgasm-inducing machinery. [Variety]
· An MPAA study claims that piracy cost the film industry $6.1 billion last year. But not having read the report, we don't know if that total counts every time someone illegally download Deuce Bigalow or Stealth for a goof as a lost DVD or ticket sale. [THR]
· Emma Roberts will star in the Fox teen flick Rodeo Gal, which writer Katie Wech will "rewrite and tailor" for Roberts, i.e., make sure there's a juicy cameo for Aunt Julia. [Variety]
· ABC yanks the once-promising, much-troubled Commander in Chief for the rest of the season. [THR]
· ABC's alternative programming chief describes the upcoming Summer Share as "'The Real World' meets 'Laguna Beach' for adults." We love it when a pitch lets you know you'll never have to watch a show. [Variety]

We think it's his voice—Howard Stern's rich, bassy monotone—that lulls his guests into a hypnotic state in which they gladly share way too much. Then again, maybe when Wilmer Valderrama went on yesterday's show and talked openly about, among other things, taking Mandy Moore's virginity and the exact measurements of the thing he took it with, he wasn't aware that the big foam thing he was speaking into had the magical ability to send those words to millions of Sirius subscribers. Here is a partial recap of the interview from HowardStern.com:

• Bruce Willis settles conflict between U.S. and Colombia, tells our troops to stand down. [R&M]
• Peggy Siegal gets whisked about the country via private jet while Liz Smith must suffer the indignities of airport security. Truly, there is no justice in this world.[Liz Smith]
• If you want to read an item that features both "Sting" and "fantasy sex parties," go ahead. We won't judge you. Although we're pretty sure God will.. [Page Six]
• Britney Spears is probably not pregnant, based on the logic that she was seen drinking a Cosmo. And we all know how responsible a mom she is. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Is Howard Stern's hair real? Is your life so empty that this is actually a question that concerns you? If you're Lloyd Grove, the answers are no and yes, respectively. [Lowdown]

The LAT's Channel Island TV blog has a preview of what you'll see if you tune in to tonight's Late Show, where Howard Stern escalates his public pissing match with generously betoothed CBS CEO Les Moonves by lighting a flaming bag of excrement right on Moonves' network doorstep:

Howard Stern On Demand

Fans of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report not satisfied by the fifteen times a day the shows are played on Comedy Central can now download episodes through iTunes, either on an a la carte basis or through a monthly subscription of $9.99 for a month's worth of episodes. [Variety]
The success of My Name is Earl and The Office fill trendfucking networks execs wild with single-camera lust, as nearly half of all comedy pilots ordered will eschew the laugh track. [THR]
Despite the fact that CBS is trying to sue him back to the telegraph era, Howard Stern will appear on Letterman on Monday to battle Les Moonves on his turf. [Variety]
More pilot casting madness: Dennis Miller and Joe Mantegna join the cast Bonnie Hunt's untitled detective comedy (detectives are the new psychics) for ABC, Chris Elliott signs up for a semi-autobiographical comedy with CBS, and The CW risks comedy crib death by talking with Nick Lachey about starring in its first sitcom pilot. [THR]
John Cusack will star in the adaptation of the Stephen King short story 1408 for Dimension, granting him a temporary stay of romantic comedy career execution. [Variety]

Stacey Snider may have jilted Universal to go shack up with DreamWorks, but she's still got 10 months left on her contract. So either Paramount's lawyers find a way to spring her (read: $$$), or she suffers the horrible indignity of being paid ridiculous sums by Universal to vacation until her pact expires at the end of 2006. [Variety]
It's not exactly news that American Idol has staggering ratings, but holy shit: 33 million people tuned in to see the final half hour of last night's 90 minute show. [THR]
Not all pre-Oscar parties are pointless, celebrity-packed orgies of decadence; in fact, many soirees in the coming days are celebrity-packed orgies of decadence that benefit charities. [Variety]
· Rob Lowe and fellow West Wing alums Mary-Louise Parker, Gary Cole, Tim Matheson, Marlee Matlin, Anna Deavere Smith, Timonthy Busfield, and (deep breath, almost done) Annabeth Gish will stop by the Wing to say goodbye in its final run of episodes. [THR]
· Shortly after the announcement that CBS is suing Howard Stern, Big Les responds to a Stern attack in inimitable Moonvesian fashion: "The good news is that not as many people will hear him as would have a year ago." [Variety]

It's a battle for the ages: Future Galactic Dictator Les Moonves of CBS Corp. is suing the King of All Media, Howard Stern, claiming that Stern turned his FCC-plagued terrestrial radio show into an extended infomercial for his new Sirius satellite free-for-all in an attempt to reach a stock option incentive clause in his Sirius contract. According to the NY Times, Stern has returned fire by calling the suit a "personal vendetta" intended to be a smokescreen for CBS Radio losses. But the question seems obvious: If Moonves was so worried about Stern's on-air talk about his move, why not use the very same dump button that so frequently deprived the public of porn stars describing their first double-penetration scenes to shut him up? Reports the Times:

• CBS Radio sues Howard Stern for using their air to promote his new Sirius show. So why didn't they just kick him off the air back then? "I'm the one who kept you on the air and I knew I could sue you afterwards," Stern says Les Moonves told him, presumably with an enormous, blindingly white smile. [NYT]
• Boston Globe in talks to print, distribute New York Post in Massachusetts. And finally New Englanders will have their hoped-for chance to play Post Poker. [BG]
• You know Nancy Grace, the crusading anchorwoman on CourtTV and Headline News? Yeah, well, she's kind of full of shit. [NYO]
• Bode Miller was Jim Kelly's second-worst cover decision, the Time editor, whose hindsight checks in at an amazing 20/15, tells Jon Friedman. [MW]
• NYT's Elisabeth Bumiller to write Condi bio; NYT's Steven Weisman, Bumiller's hubby, to get kicked off State Department beat. Such are the compromises of married life. [NYO]

• Wow, Angelina Jolie is getting really fat. [Gossip or Truth]
• In retaliation, Jennifer Aniston moves in with Vince Vaughn — because co-habitating with a bloated alchy is the best revenge. [MSN]
• Naughty PoweR girl Lizzie Grubman gets engaged to Chris Stern; if they're truly in love, that makes the fact that she "stole" him from a former employee totally jusitifed. [NYP]
• If West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin weren't so damn rich, we'd feel badly about his show getting cancelled and his hooker habit. [R&M]
• Supermodel Naomi Campbell is approximately two weeks away from beating the Prince of Dubai with a phone. [Page Six]
• Pity the fool who dares to criticize Howard Stern, lest said fool is comfortable with death threats from Beetlejuice. [Lowdown]
• Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe show no love for the paparazzi, which practically guarantees that some photog will soon run over one of their children. [OAN]