The New Republic, which was bought by Harvard graduate and Facebook co-founder Chris Hughes in 2012, performed a searching investigation: “Revealed: The Insiders Whose Kids Got White House Internships”!

Harvard, a school in Boston that your boss's boss went to, made Fortune 500 money last year. More profit than Target, and just less than AIG. Just how rich is Harvard?

Yale University, America's sex palace, has issued a memo that attempts to clarify what constitutes "consensual" and "nonconsensual" sex. Immature readers may find this memo's hypothetical scenarios "hilarious," or even "ROFLMAO." Allow us to make things more clear.

A distressed Yale senior emails Gawker:

Hello, there is a new survey out telling us EVERYTHING about the proud freshman class of Harvard. What are they like, these young, sexually frustrated leaders?

"He looked like an uninteresting Hunter Thompson, and then he chastised my friend Matt for not having a business card." A look at the cool, romantic people you can meet through IvyConnect.com.

Dartmouth College, the lily-white investment banking camp of the Ivy League, prides itself on its purposely insular and routinely violent fraternities. These two features magically combined last month when Animal House inspiration Alpha Delta decided to throw an enormous “Bloods and Crips”-themed party. Now they’re very, very, very sorry.

The Ivy League's side hustle—pricey summer camps that don't improve a student's chances of admission—are raking in revenue by preying "on the anxiety of parents."

A SWUG, or a Senior Washed Up Girl, is a young woman in her final year at a four-year collegiate establishment who has also given up the possibility of youth. They boldly abstain from dressing up, they rarely go to parties, and declare disinterest in romantic or sexual relationships. They want to sit on a couch drinking wine with fellow SWUGs. They are a movement and their interests include apathy and "not giving a fuck."

Ross Douthat, the young conservative on the Times op-ed page, weighed in today on Susan Patton's totally fucked-up advice for Princeton women. His piece, which lays out that the Ivy league represents the kind of compromised meritocracy that caters to elites like Patton, especially because they give the elite a chance to preserve their wealth and status, is both nuanced and thoughtful. But it's coming from a person who tends towards the right. And attacks the type of meritocracy that has privileged most of the readership of the Times. In other words, commenters are having a really hard time trying to figure out what to make of the piece.

It may have been April 1st yesterday, but televangelist Pat Robertson wasn't kidding when he told a viewer that Americans aren't experiencing God's miracles because they are too "sophisticated."

Attention: Women of Princeton.

Last night, the Harvard University men's basketball team—considered scrappy underdogs in this, but no other, field—upset New Mexico in the NCAA tournament, to the exclusive delight of Harvard alumni. Yet today, in a bit of reassuring proof of the existence of karmic justice, comes news of a Harvard cheating scandal. HIDE YOUR SHAME, HARVARD DEVIANTS: your quiz bowl team was dirty.

"1 IN 10 YALE STUDENTS SAY THEY'VE BEEN PAID FOR SEX..." tweeted internet behemoth Matt Drudge just a minute ago. Yikes! Drudge, who is commonly understood to be gay, links out to a report on the blog of anti-Yale crusader Nathan Harden, who looks more or less exactly the way you'd expect a guy obsessed with the amount of sex on the Yale campus to look.

There is no (definitive) manual on How to Teach Quantum Physics, obviously, but one imagines that if such a manual existed it would likely recommend against opening your first lecture half-naked, curled into a fetal position while footage of Hitler, Saddam Hussein, and 9/11 play on the projector. And yet! Columbia professor Emlyn Hughes opened his Frontiers of Science—one of the Ivy League university's core classes—with just such a show. Here's how Columbia gossip blog Bwog describes it:

This Boston Globe story on a Hong Kong family that decided to hire the "admissions consultant" firm IvyAdmit—led by a former Harvard professor—to get their kids into Harvard must be read to be believed. There is a lawsuit now, of course. Briefly:

Someone on Cornell's campus has finally gotten laid.

Is there anything millenials can't ruin? Harvard University used to be a fairly well-respected Boston-area school. But now that they've been letting millenials in? "Harvard College's disciplinary board is investigating nearly half of the 279 students who enrolled in Government 1310: "Introduction to Congress" last spring for allegedly plagiarizing answers or inappropriately collaborating on the class' final take-home exam."

If you don't have a book contract right this minute, you should very ashamed. Consider: Nathan Harden (pictured), a 2009 graduate of Yale, not only got a book contract, but has already written and published his book, and that book is about how bad it is that kids are into sex things at Yale—a topic that a professional book publishing house presumably considered sufficiently interesting to pay Nathan Harden U.S. currency, to write it.

Since the recession hit, law school degrees have become so toxic and worthless that they are actually worth less than nothing, because not only do they take all of your money and leave in crushing debt but you can't even get a job with them any more and if you could the job would be horrible. So—how to make a law degree even worse? That took the mindpower that only Yale can offer.