VitaminWater, the drinks with names like "defense," "energy," and "endurance" that Alicia Keys is currently getting $25 million to promote, is basically just sugar and water, according to a nutrition advocacy group bringing a class-action lawsuit against the brand's owner CocaCola. (The "inventor" of VitaminWater, J. Darius Bikoff, sold it to Coke in 2007 for $4 billion.) Consumers are being outrageously misled by the "nonsense" claim that VitaminWater is good for your health, says the Washington-based Center for Science in the Public Interest, pointing out that one bottle contains around 33 grams of sugar. "I had no idea," laments lead plaintiff James Koh, "that I was actually getting almost a Coke's worth of sugar and calories." Somewhere, recent spokesmodel Jennifer Aniston is dying of shock while speed dialing her personal trainer.

• One of Martha Stewart's former "prison pals" says she recently approached the domestic diva for help with her medical bills and all she got in return was an autographed photo. So now she's making money the old-fashioned way: She's spilling details on Martha's time behind bars to the National Enquirer. [NE]
• Speed the Plow's backers say they've had Jeremy Piven tested for mercury poisoning by a second doctor, and may sue him if the results come back negative. [NYP]
• Nevan Donahue, Olivia Palermo's annoying cousin and a regular on The City, was busted for trying to pick up a prostitute in Palm Beach in 2007, and has a warrant out for his arrest. [P6]

Brad Pitt has exposed himself in W—and we do mean exposed, Chuck Close's unforgiving photos highlighting every worry line to sprout across his iconic face since undertaking fathering duties to a knife-obsessed Cambodian mercenary.

It regrettable quote day! Josh Broslin called Russell Crowe an "asshole;" Lily Allen defended cocaine; Sumner Redstone bragged about sex and 30 Rock's Rip Torn insisted the ground was drunk, not him.

The forever-scorned actress, always crying because of horrible men, doesn't like them that much anyway. "Men come and go but there really is no relationship like the one you have with a dog," she says.

• People won the bidding war for photos of Bristol Palin's baby, Tripp, and could be paying as much as $300,000 as part of the deal. [MSNBC]
• Mia Farrow's adopted daughter Lark died on Christmas Day. [NYDN]
• Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer spent Christmas on separate coasts, which obviously means their relationship is on the rocks. [Daily Mail]
• According to the always-reliable National Enquirer, Regis Philbin is refusing to help out his son Daniel financially, even though he's a double amputee and ekes out a living selling crafts. [NE]
• Disgraced billionaire Henry Samueli is dumping his jet to raise cash. [P6]
• The economic meltdown doesn't seem to be affecting the champagne-swilling partygoers on St. Barts this season, you'll be relieved to hear. [P6]

Kevin Rose, the boyish founder of Digg, a testosterone-soaked news-discussion site, has resolved to "date someone seriously" in 2009. Specifically, he plans to woo Marley & Me star Jennifer Aniston.

The Monday Morning Box Office looks basically the same as it did on Friday, with Marley and Me shocking everyone with a $51 million holiday frame. But what does its surprising success really mean?

• Jennifer Aniston's secret to looking so good on the cover of GQ? Photoshop, of course. [NYDN]
• In his new book, Donny Deutsch recommends people stay faithful to their spouses, which is a little bit ironic considering he was involved in the breakup of a marriage just weeks ago. [P6]
• Tom Brady proposed to Gisele Bundchen on Christmas Eve. [TMZ]
• Lindsay Lohan says she may have a half-sister, although her father is denying it. [People]
• Michael Moore is trying to lose weight, you'll be happy to hear. [P6]
• John Costelloe, the actor who played "Johnny Cakes" on The Sopranos, has been found dead in an apparent suicide. [People]
• Paris Hilton says the heist at her LA home was an inside job. [NYDN]
• Eartha Kitt died on Christmas Day at the age of 81. [Us]

• For the first time in 12 years, FedEx is skipping the Super Bowl. [AdWeek]
• Another gloomy sign for NBC as the Super Bowl approaches: The network is allowing an agency to divide up 30-second commercials. [THR]
• GQ's cover featuring a half-nude Jennifer Aniston seems to be too risqué for the Hudson News outlet in Grand Central Terminal. [Folio]
• SAG has delayed voting on a potential strike until at least January 14. [EW]
• Ticket sales have tumbled since Jeremy Piven ditched Speed-the-Plow. [AP]

Hugh Jackman carrying daughter Ava across the street ... Katie Lee Joel leaving Pastis in the back of an SUV ... Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw buying pretzels on the corner of East 61st Street ... Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer leaving the Olive Tree Cafe on MacDougal Street ... Lauren Conrad leaving Butter with Holly Montag ... Leona Lewis filming her new music video in Brooklyn ... Katie Holmes and Suri shopping at J. Crew ... and Audrina Patridge catching a flight back to LA at JFK.

Maybe it's just her late-night Marley & Me marathon making her punchy, but Jennifer Aniston was at her sauciest (we think) the other night on Conan when her canine castmates' culinary tastes were revealed.

• Nobody makes Harvey Weinstein wait and that apparently includes Penelope Cruz, who faced his wrath in London last week when she showed up late to a screening of Vicky Cristina Barcelona, then went up to her suite to change outfits, causing Harvey to scream, "Tell her to get her f***ing ass here right now!" [Mirror]
• So much for A-Rod. Madonna has reportedly turned her attention to a male model named Jesus, who she met in Brazil and who's now on tour with her. Less importantly, Guy Ritchie may be dating Brit heiress Jemima Khan. [P6, The Sun, People]
• Courtney Love says she's stopped taking her antidepressant medication so she can "feel the rage" when she records her new album. That sounds healthy! [Daily Express]

[Jennifer Aniston (who, yes, is both of those things), continued her New York City adventure last night. She was in the Village eating food and having some photos taken; image via INF]

Jennifer Aniston's PR campaign continues to crush everything in its path. (What is she pushing on us, exactly, besides herself? Puppy & Me? We're not seeing it. It dies. Puppy's outta the bag.)

Julia Stiles walking in the snow ... Cameron Diaz and Paul Sculfor shopping in SoHo ... Naomi Campbell walking to lunch in Midtown ... Natalie Portman filming scenes for her new movie downtown ... Katie Holmes and Suri visiting a pre-school ... Dustin Hoffman crossing the street ... Liam Neeson walking in Central Park ... Jessica Szohr carrying presents in Midtown ... Richard Chamberlain leaving the Trump International hotel ... Renee Zellweger leaving a building with a coffee cup in a hand ... and John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston going to dinner at La Esquina, around the same time Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos turned up, too.

Poor Jennifer Aniston! In New York right now it is far too cold to go nude outside, which left the actress few options to promote her film Marley & Me last night.

[Actress Jennifer Aniston, who is lonely and miserable all the time, with her boyfriend, crooner and certified lovemaker John Mayer, in Soho last night; image via INF]

Not a day goes by that Jennifer Aniston fails to remind us that she was naked in GQ this month (but can she wrest December's nudity crown back from usurper Scott Caan?).

[Jennifer Aniston outside the Letterman show last night; image via INF]