On the season finale of of The Jennifer Love Hewitt Handjob Hour The Client List, Love's character Riley attacked no purple-headed warriors. Rather, she did the mental masturbation thing she's fallen into with her clients, rubbing their egos and soothing their insecurities as opposed to, you know, manipulating their dicks to orgasm. Paul Dooley, the guy who played the dad in Sixteen Candles, stopped by for a legit stroke but immediately died on the table. There's the rub, you could say if you wanted to be stupid about it. Then, Betty White, playing his wife, showed up and got excited that her husband was dead because he was terrible and she's had a lover forever anyway who apparently gives great oral sex. Betty White saying, "The things that man can do with his tongue!" would have been The Client List's greatest gift if it were two years ago and we weren't yet sick to death of Betty White.

On this week's episode of The Jennifer Love Hewitt Handjob Hour The Client List , Love's character Riley found herself unable to change the oil of her latest client Derrick, because he just wanted to talk about his relationship problems. She was cool with that because in addition to being a massage therapist, she's also kind of a therapist therapist? His woman ended up getting a vibrator to help, I don't know, smooth things out and that made things better or something?

On this week's episode of The Jennifer Love Hewitt Handjob Hour The Client List , Love's character Riley ran the wack-a-thon of a former college track star. He was beautiful. And that was that. Also featured in this episode was some actual fucking in the massage table, by Riley's nemesis with a menacing squint, Selena (Alicia Lagano). When confronted, Selena exclaimed, "Like I'm the first ever to knock boots in a treatment room," and my opinion of her skyrocketed. Meanwhile, Riley was also ready to engage in some arm aerobics with another, not as beautiful client of hers, but all he wanted to do was talk about some girl that he liked and his lack of confidence. Don't you hate it when guys don't shut up and accept their handjob?

On this week's episode of The Jennifer Love Hewitt Handjob Hour The Client List , Love's character Riley almost gave her signature one-gun salute to what turned out to be an undercover cop. Thankfully, she knew the protocol (apparently, as a hired masturbation hand, you don't offer anything up, which means you must ask those interested in being jerked off to spell out exactly what they're looking for). She didn't end up getting thrown in jail, where she'd have to jerk off for her life (that's what happens in women's prison, right?), but this incident did shake up her managers/coworkers enough to put the palm-calming on hold for a bit. The montage above is a symphony of blue balls. It reads as a high-concept interpretation of the sad trombone sound. Kind of brilliant.

On this week's episode of The Jennifer Love Hewitt Handjob Hour The Client List , Love's character Riley met the rarest of creatures: a hot dude who doesn't want his massage with a side of whore.
Anyway, this resulted in awkwardness and Riley's use of the phrase "I took the D train." She can't even help herself — at this point, grabbing dick is so reflexive that she's on the express track. He ended up asking her out on a date, probably because he figured he'd get a handjob out of it.

On this week's episode of The Jennifer Love Hewitt Handjob Hour The Client List , Love's character Riley cleared the snorkel of one of her youngest clients yet: a third-year law student. In the past, I'd complained about the lack of erection realness on this otherwise delightful romp of a show (actually, it's kind of a drag when she isn't jerking dudes off, because I don't care about her absentee husband unless she's hallucinating that she's jerking him off, which she periodically does). However, on last night's show, a guy pitched a tent and the results were as gritty as you'd expect from a show about happy endings on Lifetime.

On this week's episode of The Jennifer Love Hewitt Handjob Hour The Client List , Love's character Riley serviced a slightly older dude. But have no fear: he was just as improbably cut up and handsome as anyone who's blown by The Rub to get tugged at. It's a good thing this happy-ending massage parlor exists otherwise these extremely hot dudes would never get off. Poor guys.

On Sunday's episode of The Jennifer Love Hewitt Handjob Hour The Client List , Love's character, Riley, was introduced to T.J., yet another improbably gorgeous dude who's into professional handjobs from hot ladies. Yep, one of those. T.J. came to (and probably on) her with a broken heart, she gave him "enough hot memories" to last six months while he's working on his oil rig. I wonder what the hot memories-to-orgasms conversion rate is.

Last night's premier of The Client List, Lifetime's made-for-TV-movie-turned-made-for-TV-show, saw Jennifer Love Hewitt scampering about in lacy lingerie giving handjobs. It's interesting then, that a show whose plot centers around Happy Endings would opt for a more modest promotional ad.

Sunday is full of chin-stroke provoking TV, so it's really nice to see some unabashed trash thrown in the mix. If Lifetime's The Client List makes good on the promise last night's premiere suggested, it is bound to become the Showgirls of television. Here is is in a nutshell: Jennifer Love Hewitt gives handjobs and speaks in a slight Southern accent.

Lady Gaga poses nude for an American legend, and previews her next video. Jennifer Love Hewitt denies herself her favorite things. And a model is very mad about the release of her sex tape. Black Friday gossip is very serious at restaurants.

Scotty McCreery misses his cue. Brad Pitt wasn't always a tragically overweight, dumpy-looking urchin with a comb-over. Kim Kardashian exposes herself to The Poors and learns the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Today's Gossip Roundup is sitting on the couch with some turkeys, playing video games and eating pumpkin pie topped with mashed potatoes instead of Cool Whip.

Scott Wolf's girlfriend is getting into the escort scene. Also today: Game of Thrones casting news, a terrible idea for a remake, and Kevin Bacon has a face for radio and TV.

What once looked bright, briefly, has now darkened again. What will Love do? Also today: Good news for fans of The Killing, bad news for some fans of Game of Thrones, and Madonna gets picked up.

Jennifer Aniston's key grip ex-boyfriend confesses he was too vanilla for her. Katy Perry's Jesus freak parents banned deviled eggs. Charlie Sheen interviews now cost $1 million. Wednesday gossip is out of touch.

Award nominations, fabulous clothes, and now a role on Glee that she willed into existence. Also today: Robert Downey Jr. is one smart old dog, the triumphant return of Sarah Michelle Gellar, and some Jennifer Love Hewitt news.

It's time once again for our strange dance with the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, the group of ninety people who manage to throw the second-biggest awards orgy of the season. Their nominations came out today, so let's take a look!

[On the second day of filming for her confusing episode of Law & Order: SVU, Jennifer Love Hewitt trades her "battered aging hooker" look for "queen bee mean girl." Image via Pacific Coast News.]

[Costumed as the battered victim of a violent crime, Jennifer Love Hewitt sits with Mariska Hargitay on the set of Law & Order: SVU. Image via Splash.]

Montana Fishburne says her forthcoming sex tape is a calculated career choice. Foxy Brown flees the police after a massive brawl. Lindsay Lohan has no pillow. Robert Pattinson is a nail biter. TGIFriday gossip. Updated with Montana's DVD cover.