Can you guess who has been spotted in Lenoir County, North Carolina? That's right, it's Jesus again, in his familiar "on the crucifix" pose. (Get a new pose already, Jesus!) On toast? No, in kudzu! He is everywhere.
Hear ye, hear ye! Canada's Conservative majority government was officially sworn in yesterday. First order of business? This etching of Jesus Christ, re-imagined as a steaming, fly-ridden turd. That vivid illustration can be found inside the CD packaging for Vancouver punk rockers Living with Lions's brand new release, Holy Shit, whose cover resembles a leather-bound bible.
A lengthy, in-depth report on the child sexual abuse scandals of the Catholic Church—a report paid for primarily by the Catholic Church—has found that it wasn't the whole "celibate, sexually frustrated men in close proximity to vulnerable children" thing that caused all the molestation. It was hippies.
In-the-know Americans have been getting ready for May 21, when Jesus is going to return to Earth and kick off the Rapture—aka "Judgment Day." Hopefully you're prepared for all the excitement to come, yes?
Think of a truly horrendous way to die, and then think about this: A South Korean taxi driver who was said to have had "fanatical religious views" was found dead in a quarry, nailed to a cross and wearing a crown of thorns, with a stab wound in his side and whip marks. A police officer told AFP, "We found at the scene pieces of paper describing how to construct a cross and carry out a crucifixion." They also found a mirror placed so the man could see himself on the cross. Damn.
Sweet Mary Mother of God this is huge: Israeli-Canadian filmmaker Simcha Jacobovici says he's found two of the nails that were used to crucify Jesus! He's also promoting a documentary he made about finding the nails, called The Nails of the Cross. Jacobovici told Reuters, "What we are bringing to the world is the best archaeological argument ever made that two of the nails from the crucifixion of Jesus have been found." HOLY SHIT! Oh, but he added, "Do I know 100% yes, these are them? I don't." But please check his movie out anyway.
New Zealand's Hell Pizza chain is known for its offensive gimmicks, and the restaurant's newest campaign is doing a good job of keeping the tradition alive. Billboards have been appearing to promote the chain's Hell Cross Buns with a pentagram on the pastry and the slogan, "For a limited time. A bit like Jesus."
Good news for the oxymoronic field of creationist paleontology: A newly discovered cave painting in southeastern Utah sort of resembles a long-necked dinosaur, which means humans and dinosaurs coexisted in Utah 6000 years ago, back when the planet was new, say officials from the Creationist Museum of Petersburg, Kentucky.
The New York Times trips and stumbles all over itself today in an entire article about songs with the work "Fuck" which does not contain the word "Fuck." Your prayer is answered, NYT: "Bless You," the Christian remix of Cee-Lo's blasphemous hit. Completely soothing to the easily-offended sensibilities of New York Times editors! (Except for that keyboard player.)
Have your fraternity brothers been acting a bit...odd lately? Have you noticed something a little...strange about your sorority sisters? We don't want to alarm, but we have to be honest: your bros may be involved in Jesus.
[Jesus might have died for our sins, but who is going to help stop the flooding in Australia that has gone on for days and resulted in nearly two dozen deaths? Image via Getty]
