USA Today, the newspaper of choice for angel-believers, today notes that "some"—a mythical group that is much discussed, but never quite pinned down—believe that the current situation in Syria could be a fulfillment of Apocalyptic Bible Predictions, Vol. One. Who are these wise, insane prophets?

A Bible signed by Albert Einstein has sold for $68,500 in an auction. But a beautiful flower inscribed by the loving hand of The Lord Our God? Well, that's still free :)

"Forasmuch as ye know that ye were not redeemed with corruptible things, as silver and gold, from your vain conversation received by tradition from your fathers; But with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot." What a crock of shit.

A two-year-old hamster that was found "cold and lifeless" in her cage reemerged alive and well shortly after being buried, appropriately enough, on Good Friday.

Venezuela's interim president knows how the first South American Pope was elected: the late Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez swayed Jesus. Nicolas Maduro said Chavez influenced Jesus, who then inspired the Cardinals to elect their first pope from the South American continent. In his own words, which are brilliant:

Christ has finally chosen to reveal himself in the form of bird droppings on an Ohio man's windshield. From ABC's local news bureau:

A homeless, hatchet-wielding hitchhiker named Kai is being hailed as a hero after saving a woman from the clutches of a bear-hugging racist who claimed to be the reincarnation of Jesus Christ.

Simcha Jacobovici, the Canadian documentary director who claimed in 2011 to have found two of the nails used to crucify Jesus, is suing archaeologist Joe Zias for libel. There are few things more enjoyable than fights between academics, particularly when one of the academics is being accused of pandering and sensationalism. The blog posts fly thick and fast, the Change.org petitions sing with wounded intellectual pride ("we the undersigned simply and collegially request that Mr. Jacobovici abandon his lawsuit"), and everyone gets a chance to play.

Looks like you really will be the last person you know to be married: a scrap of ancient papyrus that some scholars are calling a new gospel suggests that confirmed bachelor Jesus Christ may, in fact, have had a wife.

Hanging up shitty student art is a time-honored school tradition, but one particular picture is stirring controversy at Fresno's Hamilton School. That's because it's a drawing of Jesus with the caption, "I want you to kill all infidels."

Americans were rocked this week by report after report of their countrymen eating one another. Now, salvation has come, in the form of a moldy Jesus who wants to watch you shower.

They put up a nativity scene there, in the Holy Land, Ohio, and can you guess what happened? The resurrection, of Jesus, of course.

Paul Derengowski was an adjunct religion professor at Tarrant County College in Fort Worth, Texas. Now he's resigned, in protest of another protest about his class. This story is completely bananas. Here's a breakdown, from Inside Higher Ed:

AFP tells us that Italian director Romeo Castellucci's production of the play On the Concept of the Face, Regarding the Son of God features the face of Jesus "drizzled in excrement." The Guardian explains the poop on Jesus' face comes from "an excremental stream pouring from his right eye-socket." Sounds a bit like an extreme version of a Gallagher show!

Today in Some Crazy Person Asked Pat Robertson for Advice, we learn that the firebrand cleric doesn't merely dislike Alzheimer's — "I hate Alzheimer's," he says — but he thinks it's totally cool for you to divorce your spouse over it. A man wrote to Pat seeking advice for his friend, whose wife has Alzheimer's and no longer recognizes him. Pat's response, from Tuesday's 700 Club:

Jesus! He's always appearing on the most random of objects, like telephone poles and rocking chairs and Walmart receipts (and delicious Polish foods). Well get this: He's finally decided to show up in an appropriate spot. Yes, a wooden cross. Or so people are saying.

If you are a woman and come within smelling-distance of him, magic secret-sharing gnome Julian Assange will hit on you in excruciatingly awkward fashion. A new eBook offers another prime example of Assange's Casanova act.

There are epic Taser incidents and then there's this: An R&B singer and former candidate for one of Alabama's U.S. Senate seats, Simone De Moore, up until last Sunday was the music director at New Welcome Baptist Church in St. Elmo, Alabama. He was fired by Reverend Riley and, according to Moore's mother, Agolia, "They owed him. He asked them for his money."

Colorado native Don Taylor, who describes himself as "a nonreligious individual," was stopped dead in his tracks when he stumbled upon this divine apparition on his daily routine. Yes, a creeping vine on a telephone pole had taken on the unmistakable form of a crucified Jesus Christ. Local authorities warn potential pilgrimage-makers not to climb the pole to kiss or embrace Telephone Pole Jesus, however, lest they want to receive a 765,000-volt message of peace and love from their Leafy Savior. [7News, photo via Don Taylor's Facebook]

Campus Crusade for Christ, the worldwide college-based "Christian evangelism and discipleship organization," considered 1,600 possible new names for itself before settling on "Cru." The name change was reportedly "met with enthusiasm and excitement" among staffers. "Go to Willis Avenue and tell Jamaican Jay, I'll gladly pay him Tuesday for a bag of boom today," they exclaimed.