Graduation is kind of the most anticlimactic day of high school. There it is just sorta... there. You don't feel different, you just feel bored and pandered to. At least I did last night.

After 47 million years, scientists unearthed a fossil which may be the long-awaited missing link between primates and mankind. They immediately turned the fossil into a huge media whore that we're already sick of.

For magazines, the first quarter of this year was hell. Particularly for Conde Nast. Now, ad sales figures for the first half are out. They're hell. Particularly for Conde Nast!

Here's Burger King ad wizard Alex Bogusky's idea for "Rebranding America" which, honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about yet. Is it great? Please advise. There is another one that is, unequivocally, gross:

In 1946, Truman Capote was assigned a story about his hometown, New Orleans, by Harper's Bazaar. Then, like now, Hearst Magazines were cheap bastards.

About an hour ago a tip came in featuring the following subject line: "Jessica Alba Visits Yale Secret Society, Pictures Leaked!" Whoa! The "Wolf's Head Society?!" Oh hell yes! Let's take a look, shall we?

In your dire Thursday media column: Us Weekly starts a war, America refuses to watch gay broadcasters, "I.D." is the unluckiest magazine name, and North Korea will try the US reporters it snatched:

Today Oprah, noted fast food terrorist, took a short break from destroying America with diabolical chicken riots to welcome Dane Cook on her show, who promptly horrified the world with details of his sex life.

Disgraced pageant broad Carrie Prejean was all over the morning shows today, braying about how she's NEVER willingly posed nude, but, ugh, you know, there's a chance even more nude photos of her may emerge.

Page Six gossipeuse Paula Froelich has written a novel! One of those thinly-disguised novels about real New York people. But just who is she parodying in the book? She's teased some blind items:

Every time we post a photo of A.G. Sulzberger, heir to the New York Times throne, the ladies go wild. "Is he single?" they ask, lustily. We want to know too, but for professional reasons!

Arizona State University sparked a bit of controversy recently for refusing to bestow President Obama with an honorary degree at commencement ceremonies later today, so Jason Jones went down to investigate. Hilarity then ensued.

Today Carrie Prejean spoke to America and America responded by gritting its teeth and punching itself repeatedly in the genitals. And tonight Keith Olbermann debuted a new segment, which he promptly used to destroy her.

Which is more unbearable: Tucker Max, or Ohio State University student group Womyn and Allies Rising in Resistance (WaARiR)? Finally, they've met in a death match so we can find out!

Oh look. The CW built us a time machine. And, hey, a date's already programmed in. It says "sometime in the 1980's." Huh. That's sorta vague and unfocused. Oh well. Let's step in.

This coming Sunday CBS's 60 Minutes will air its last show before going on summer hiatus. Presumably that means the profile it's been preparing on Vogue editor Anna Wintour will finally air.

It can't be that often that priests have a chance to do some good for the world, can it? Well Father Alberto Cutié, the Miami celebripriest and admitted woman-liker, does. And he's shirking his duty.

American Poultry Queen Oprah Winfrey gave the commencement address to the starry-eyed, chickenless graduates of Duke University yesterday. Her message to them: I really love my private jet!

In unforeseeable news, a married millionaire heir to the Dupont fortune was repeatedly extorted for thousands of dollars by women he met on a site where old rich guys find hot young money-hungry girlfriends.

Somebody forgot to do the exorcism, because the Montauk Monster has been found. Again.