Leonardio DiCaprio's Best Summer Ever never ended, apparently. The cargo-shorted, "newly single" actor has been living it up in Miami this past week for Art Basel, and on Saturday night, he reportedly took home 20 human women from the club.

The internet is washing its hands in scalding hot water over and over a thousand times today, following a very detailed report that a sex tape featuring "a large dildo," "a gag ball" "a slapper paddle," and the slapper paddle known as Joe Jonas is about to surface online.

Every once in a while, a name comes a long that is so fake, so not-real, so obviously made up, that you literally cannot fathom an alternate universe in which it might ever exist.

America's sweetheart Chris Brown drew ire earlier this week when celebrities took to Twitter to lambast his recent appearance at the Billboard Awards.

You know that increasingly popular old-timey hairdo for men where the sides are shorn short, but the top remains long and can be slicked back with brylcreem or sculpted into an ornate pomade wave? Joe Jonas has it, and so does the guy from Arcade Fire. David Lynch sports an extreme version.

Jennifer and Heidi cry it out over a glass of wine. Amy Adams discusses her muffin top. Cameron Diaz is banging Diddy again. Timberlake busts Gosling's fauxhemian pose. Wednesday gossip is glad we had this talk.

Britney Spears spent Halloween night performing a concert at London's Wembley Arena with Joe Jonas, whom she recently signed on to the European leg of her Femme Fatale Tour. The downside of performing a concert on Halloween, of course, is missing out on all of the trick-or-treating fun. But luckily for Jonas, Spears made up for the candy shortage by performing a little striptease for him, complete with semi-awkward straddling! Here's an incredibly clear and up close video of it. [via YouTube]

Two of America's straightest men had a nice hang the other day. Also today: Leo cozies up to even more models, Bree Olson quits the game, Prince Harry eats a burger, and Melanie Griffith eats a hotdog.

Ooh la la! Joe Jonas, previously chaste member of the purity ring-wearing boy group The Jonas Brothers, has gone and Timberlaked — striking it out on his own as a singer and releasing a sexxxy, sex-filled new sex video. Or music video, whatever.

Mercede Johnston claims that Bristol Palin both did and did not want to be pregnant with her brother's child. Doug Hutchison claims that the emails sent by his 16-year-old wife were actually sent by "hackers." Saturday gossip is now has a better credit rating than the U.S. government.

Halle Berry was trapped in her house by a stalker. William and Kate have left the country. Anthony Weiner flew to Miami to reconcile with his wife. Gwyneth Paltrow went on vacation to rub her bikini body in your face. Monday's gossip doesn't know if it's coming or going.

Hayden Panettiere invites us to imagine what she looks like during sex. Lady Gaga is against plastic surgery. A boy bander gets a new gig as a Chippendale. Joe Jonas collaborates with Chris Brown. Wednesday gossip can't be unseen.

Joe Jonas' relationship is a charade. Suri Cruise plays with penis candies. Jodie Foster is desperately in love with Mel Gibson. Thursday gossip is living a lie.

Courtney Love offers to "take a metal straw" to Kurt Cobain's remains. Charlie Sheen enters the t-shirt business. Gilbert Gottfried regrets his tsunami jokes. Joe Jonas swears he's not gay. Wednesday gossip communes with the beyond.

Kim Kardashian celebrates her 30th birthday by making a video of herself getting frothed in the face. Nicki Minaj "doesn't do" escalators. Charlie Sheen throws a party. A vengeful flight attendant plays a "wire hangers" prank on Faye Dunaway. Monday gossip's cup overfloweth.

[No event in New York is photographed as extensively as Fashion Week. Continuing our trip down the glamour rabbit hole, here are some more of the best images from the barrage. This tableau, above, opened the Monique Lhuillier show. Image via AP]

Chris Brown has a really hard time not being a complete asshole. Also today: rumors of John Mayer's dating life are greatly exaggerated, Camille Grammer still sucks, and Zac Efron gets a hot beef injection.

Kids are horrible. They only want to eat sugar, chips, grilled cheese, and awful gunk. Chefs hate them and wish them dead. Then a Jonas Brother shows up, a chef has a meltdown, and the world ends in apocalypse.

Pop star Joe Jonas was stopped by airport security in Abu Dhabi on Wednesday because he'd packed knives in his carry-on luggage by mistake. Yeah, that's what they all say. According to girlfriend Ashley Greene, he responded by saying "Whoopsies!"

[A stubbly Joe Jonas in LA with his gal pal, "Twilight" actress Ashley Greene. Photo via Bauer-Griffin]