What’s worse than getting your leg peed on and being told it’s raining? Getting your leg peed on and being told that it’s Palin. At least, that’s how it feels after reading PEOPLE’s report that the hip-hop rappin’ former governor of Alaska Sarah Palin (pictured above with another human whose politics are as garbage as his TV) has her eyes set on becoming a TV judge. Says PEOPLE:

Add Electric Daisy Carnival and the entire concept of raves, for that matter, to the list of things Judge Judy didn't know about before donning her doily for work one day, and clearly still would rather not know about ( Grindr and e-cigarettes are also recent entries on that list).

So that you don't think she's a prude, proud luddite Judge Judy revealed that she, like you and your favorite celebs several decades her junior, has appeared in photos she'd never want to see the light of day. But we'll never get to see what's under her robe/doily combo because she destroyed them since the world is full of scum who would share such pictures with the general public.

Judge Judith Sheindlin on her worst day is smarter than you on your best, but even so she apparently had never heard of Grindr before a Judge Judy case involving two men who had met on the app that aired yesterday. And even though Sheindlin wears her luddite status as proudly as that doily around her neck, she cut right through the bullshit and sussed out what men actually use it for.

This guy duped Judge Judy with a made-up story about killing a cat and lived to tell about it. "If nothing else, the stonewashed, wide-leg, boot-cut jeans that [Judy] was wearing under her gown when she walked out really intimidated me."

"Nobody's going to remember that he was a marginal singer, but they're going to remember a young kid who had a chance to have it all and who's blowing it by acting like a fool." - Perpetual fountain of wisdom Judge Judy on Justin Bieber.

Here's Judge Judy saying, "#YOLO", having been set up by Katie Couric to make no sense at all.

As plague of gibberish sweeps North America's TV personalities—from Judge Judy's linguistic meltdown to Serene Branson's migraine to Sarah Carlson's seizure to Mark McAllister speaking in tongues—intrepid British spaz rag The Daily Mail asks, is a government conspiracy afoot?

Judge Judy is hospitalized after a bizarre on-camera ramble. Vanilla Ice becomes a mime. Lindsay Lohan looks for an apartment in New York. Thursday gossip is in recovery.

The latest tumblr that's filling up our dashboards is Hot Guys on Judge Judy. With only 26 posts, we have to wonder what the ratio of actual hot guys to losers really is. Here are some samplings from the website.

Daily Profile: Judge Judy

Who: The meanest grandmother you never had, Judith Sheindlin—or Judge Judy, as she's known to the world—has earned hundreds of millions of dollars dispensing fake courtroom advice on her syndicated TV show.

"Sack tapping" is the new painful craze sweeping the nation's teen boys. That is: punching each other in the balls. One child had his right ball amputated because he was punched so hard in it. Prepare to wince.

One heavily tattooed L.E.S. bike messenger lost a bike belonging to his roommate, another heavily tattooed L.E.S. bike messenger. Solution: Judge Judy. Sir, you paid how much for that bike? On what planet, sir? [BBNYC via City Room]

While watching the CW's new (and not bad) Life Unexpected we realized we never want to see another answering machine on screen ever again. Here are some other lazy storytelling devices that modern life has deemed irrelevant.

• Judith Sheindlin, better known as "Judge Judy," has settled on new digs in Manhattan: She's paid $6.75 million for a two-bedroom co-op at the Sherry Netherland on Fifth Avenue. The no-nonsense ex-judge scored herself a discount, too. The 3,150-square-foot, 11th-floor apartment, which comes with a separate 150-square-foot maid's room on the building's sixth-floor, had been listed for $7.999 million. [Cityfile]
• It's been more than a year since Brooke Astor's Westchester estate, Holly Hill, first went on the market for $12.9 million. Now the price of property has been cut by more than $2 million. The 11,000-square-foot manse, which was recently emptied of Astor's furnishings to save on security and maintenance costs, is currently listed for $10.5 million. [NYDN, Sotheby's]
• Arlene Farkas, the ex-wife of real estate/retail heir Bruce Farkas, has slashed the price of her 14-room duplex at the River House. The five-bedroom, 5.5-bath apartment that Farkas first placed on the market for $15 million in 2008 is now listed for $11 million. [Cityfile, Stribling]
• Architect Frank Gehry's former duplex at 55 Crosby Street has hit the market. The four-bedroom pad is listed for $5.8 million. [Curbed, PDE]

Kim Kardashian officially turns 29 today, even though she got paid $50,000 to celebrate the big event in Las Vegas last week. Judith Sheindlin, better known as Judge Judy, turns 67. Saturday Night Live co-producer Marci Klein is turning 43. Actress Carrie Fisher is 53. Patti Davis, daughter of Ronald and Nancy Reagan, turns 57. Jade Jagger, social scenester and daughter of Mick and Bianca, is turning 38. Former Xerox CEO Anne Mulcahy is 57. Liliane Bettencourt, heir to the L'Oreal fortune and the second richest person in France, is 87. And Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu turns 60 today.

Is it possible to turn on the news and not hear about another ship that's been hijacked by a bunch of Somali pirates looking to collect some extortion money? Piracy at sea hasn't generated this much public attention since the 16th century! Naturally, we don't condone these violent, criminal acts, nor do we recommend taking up a career as a pirate, even if you were just canned by a media company or investment bank and you're wondering how you're going to pay your rent next month. But if you've already made up your mind and you're planning to take the LIRR out to the Hamptons, rent a Zodiac, and take over the boat of a local billionaire—or you're just planning to pay a friendly visit and drop off your resume in person—we've put together a colorful chart of yachts owned by a bunch of notable New Yorkers, just so you make sure you're climbing aboard the right ship. Just don't blame us if you're subjected to a treatise on the economy by Steve Forbes, a lecture on Scientology by Greta Van Susteren, or a tongue-lashing by Judge Judy. The larger chart is here.

Two role models to women everywhere are celebrating birthdays today: The feisty Judith Sheindlin (that's Judge Judy to you) is 66. The very modest reality TV personality and sex tape star Kim Kardashian is celebrating her 28th birthday today. Others with a birthday cake in their immediate futures: Marci Klein, Lorne Michaels' right-hand at SNL (and the daughter of Calvin) is 42. Xerox CEO Anne Mulcahy is 56. Jade Jagger—socialite, jewelery designer, and offspring of Mick and Bianca—is turning 37. Indie film producer Jason Kliot is 45. Actress Carrie Fisher is 52. And former Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu is 59.

♦ Samantha Ronson refused to DJ an event at Rubyfruit, allegedly because she doesn't spin at gay or lesbian bars. Her rep, of course, denies this. [P6]
♦ David Spade didn't turn up at Eric Trump's charity golf tournament in New Jersey last week because he thought it was taking place at Trump's LA course. [P6]
♦ An Atlantic City monsignor wants his name added to the list of Raffaello Follieri's victims. He says he gave the Italian playboy $110,000 because Raffaello said he needed the funds to pay some nuns. [NYDN]
♦ MTV has finally confirmed Whitney Port's Hills spinoff. It will begin airing in early 2009. [E!]
♦ How exciting! Mike Bloomberg will become an honorary citizen of Tbilisi, Georgia tomorrow night. [P6]