Noted monkey abandoner Justin Bieber was reportedly attacked Sunday night during a concert in Dubai.

Police in Stockholm have reportedly discovered drugs and a stun gun on the tour bus of World’s Worst Baby Monkey Mother Justin Bieber.

Earlier this month, the world was stunned to learn that The Boy in the Chanel Ski Mask, Justin Bieber, had abandoned his baby capuchin monkey, Mally, in Germany because all prior evidence had indicated that Justin Bieber would make a levelheaded and responsible mother.

Norway loves Justin Bieber.

Yet another person with close ties to Anne Frank has come forward to defend Justin Bieber from critics deriding the questionable comments he left in the guestbook at the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam last week.

Well-adjusted teen Justin Bieber posted a fun image to Instagram yesterday: a drawing of him, nude, cuddling in post-coital bliss with an anonymous fan, also nude (and helpfully labeled "BELIEBER"). He posted it to his feed without comment, leading hundreds of thousands of anonymous teenage girls to conjecture that the girl in the image represented them, specifically.

It was the Anne Frank House guestbook entry read 'round the world.

Last night, Justin Bieber, along with a few friends and guards, paid an after-hours visit to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam. The Anne Frank House is the house where Anne Frank, along with several other Jews, hid from the Nazis for two years before eventually being found by them and killed. It's where she wrote her famous diary, the one that has become required reading in school rooms everywhere. And if she could have just escaped the Nazis and been born in 1992, Justin Bieber would like to believe that she would have been a big fan of his.

Last week, the headmaster's nephew Justin Bieber flew to Munich to put on a few performances as part of his world tour. He brought almost all the important things with him: his shoe, his passport, his baby capuchin monkey. Unfortunately, he didn't bring one very, very important thing: the necessary clearance forms so that he would be allowed to bring the monkey in and out of Germany. (Who knew you needed "animal clearance forms" for a friend? What a world.)

In anticipation of the chaos that will likely ensue when Justin Bieber returns to Norway later this month, several schools in the country have preemptively rescheduled midterm exams citing fears that students will cut class and miss the test.

Yesterday it was reported that Justin Bieber was being investigated for battery after a neighbor claimed Bieber made physical contact with him during an argument that took place on the singer's property. (The neighbor's wife told KTLA that her husband went to Justin Bieber's home to complain because the 19-year-old had been racing his new Ferrari around their residential block early Tuesday morning.)

Angry jellybean Justin Bieber is being investigated for battery after a neighbor told police the popstar got physical with him during an argument Tuesday morning, according to TMZ.

Selena Gomez went on Letterman last night, ostensibly to discuss her new movie, Spring Breakers.

Why does the universe continue to test Justin Bieber?

As you may have heard, Justin Bieber had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week last week, fueled in part by paparazzi fatigue.

Normal boy Justin Bieber seems poised to turn his weird, bad week into a weird, bad fortnight. The singer abruptly canceled the second of two scheduled Portuguese concert appearances just days before he was expected to perform.

The baddest kid you ever babysat, Justin Bieber, has had a really weird week. It kicked off last Friday with the 19th birthday he had been hyping on Twitter for days—a birthday he would later describe in a (now deleted) tweet as the "worst birthday ever." Since then, a friend on another continent has crashed his $100,000 custom car. He's been hospitalized, for either shortness of breath or drastically low levels of public sympathy. Today, he lunged at a paparazzi like a baby flying squirrel and threatened to "fucking beat the fuck out of" him. Earlier in the week, he had a kebab at 6 a.m.

During his performance Thursday night at London's 02 arena, Justin Bieber reportedly collapsed on stage because of some sort of breathing problems. The recent birthday boy went backstage, where he received oxygen for 20 minutes before bravely returning to finish the concert. Here's a video of his manager Scotter Braun telling the clearly concerned audience about Bieber's health:

Justin Bieber may have had a pretty lousy birthday, but one of his Twitter followers is having a really lousy month — and it's all because of him.

Everyone remembers the first time they turned 19. Their "Neat Nineteen." The big one-nine. For some, it is one of the best days of their lives. For others, it is absolutely the best day of their lives.