When Justin Bieber stepped out in London yesterday wearing an ensemble as inexplicable as the entire six-year run of Lost, it was only a matter of time before Damon Lindelof chimed in with his two backgammon pieces.

The ongoing beef between Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney and pop idol Justin Bieber escalated over the weekend when Carney decided to change his Twitter handle to "Justin Bieber" just to mess with Bieber's fans.

Bratty Bieber thinks Black Keys' Patrick Carney should be "slapped around" for saying Bieber doesn't deserve a Grammy.

Justin Bieber's questionable decision to counter-program the Grammy's with a livestream of his own (revenge for his Grammy snub, no doubt) is – surprise, surprise – not going so well. It seems as though Biebz or, more likely, his management team (ban Scooter) didn't anticipate the power of Beliebers and the U-Stream went over capacity. And then Bieber got sad :(

In a Fuse interview with pop cultural cockroach Alexa Chung (she will not go away), Justin Bieber's mom Pattie Mallette revealed her displeasure over his lack of nominations for the upcoming Grammy Awards. Just like everyone in his circle, including his own self-entitled ass, she has an issue with him being denied the possibility of a trophy to recognize his popularity.

Hey, guys. Have you heard about this guy J.C.? He's a cool dude with some pretty radical ideas. He wanted everyone to be chill to one another, like the TOMS shoe guy, and he wore strappy gladiator sandals everywhere. He ended up getting betrayed by one of his best bros. Yeah, I guess you could say this J.C. was pretty neat.

Justin Bieber has a giant chip on his perpetually shirtless shoulder. He isn't doing much press for his new Believe Acoustic album, but he did sit down with Billboard's Bill Werde for a Q&A. Werde describes him as "unfailingly polite, though occasionally he flattens himself down into a black leather couch, hands jammed into his pockets, and seems bored," and "every bit a normal 18-year-old kid." Which is to say, he's a little bit of a dickhead.

This brash young zoot-suiter Justin Bieber had better learn something more than baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby—he had better learn some respect. Respect for rules. Respect for society. Respect for propriety. Here a nice young man like Justin is, parading around without a shirt on, torso unclad as you please. We fear that one more promising young man has fallen prey to the lure of orgiastic fashion malefaction.

A photo posted yesterday on Justin Bieber's official fan page appears to show the recently embachelored teenybopper pop star getting a bit too familiar with one of his fans during a meet and greet in Miami.

Justin Bieber managed to rack up nearly 100,000 likes on Instagram after uploading a photo of his butt crack this past Saturday.

Poor Justin Bieber. When he's not the subject of a murder/castration plot or, worse, being mocked by James Franco, he's getting embarrassed by his mom, Pattie Mallette, who executive produced a pro-life film coming out soon. The movie, called Crescendo, will be screened at "pregnancy centers" around the country with the goal of raising $10 million. And, if you attend one of the screenings, you might just get lucky and see Mama Bieber herself; Mallette will appear at "some of these" screenings, according to Movie to Movement, the ridiculously named company that produced the film.

Justin Bieber is a tiny adult. But he's also one of the most famous people in the world and is thus impervious to consequences. One thing you can do as a tiny adult impervious to consequences that you can't do as a tiny adult subject to consequences (like, say, myself) is punch most people, including an ex-Israeli soldier who is your bodyguard. Such are the privileges of being young and famous.

Meet Robin Verrecas, an 18-year-old owner/creative designer from Oostkamp, Belgium, who has worked for Coca Cola since birth, or so says his Facebook. This would be amazing in itself, but no matter what Verrecas accomplishes in life, it will always be overshadowed by his freakish resemblance to Justin Bieber. He seems at peace with this: one day when he was "B o r e d," he did a Chimpmunks-style lip synch to Bieber's "Girlfriend" and uploaded to Vimeo, and he often poses in pictures with the same, "I'm constipated...but should I be at this age?" look that Bieber is fond of.

The Mad King James Franco did a weird thing on Monday, probably to teach us all a lesson about the meaningless, ephemeral Cult of Celebrity, or because he hate-loves attention: he posted a weird "parody" video of himself lip-synching to Justin Bieber's song, "Girlfriend," online, then deleted it.

A few months back, emissaries from infamous Internet troll nest /b/ tried to convince Justin Bieber fans that their idol had cancer and that they should cut their hair in solidarity.

Justin Bieber fans are disappointed to learn that the 18-year-old singer will be spending eternity rotting in hell, instead of giving free concerts where everyone is in the front row in heaven, after photos of him smoking what appears to be a big fat blunt full of drugs surfaced online over the weekend.

Justin Bieber released a statement this morning expressing his sympathies to the family of a paparazzo killed while trying to score a shot of the pop star sat in his Ferrari off California's Interstate 405.

According to KRQE, two hit men from New Mexico were arrested as part of an elaborate plot to murder and castrate Justin Bieber last month. The plot was reportedly hatched in a New Mexico prison, where convicted murderer and rapist Dana Martin recruited then-fellow inmate Mark Aaron Staake to carry out the gruesome crime (which was to involve strangulation with a paisley tie, apparently Martin's calling card) along with three other similar murders.

Susan Orlean's classic Esquire article, "The American Male at Age Ten," opens with the titular boy's description of what Susan Orlean's life would be like if the two were married. They would "both be good at Nintendo Street Fighter II, but Colin would be better." They wouldn't have sex—just crushes—and "magically, babies would appear." For fun, they "would load a slingshot with dog food" and aim it at Orlean's butt.

You thought you were out of the woods on explaining the Elmo sex scandal. Well you were wrong. Dead wrong. Puppeteer Kevin Clash, beloved for creating Sesame Street's Elmo character and also for creating this sex scandal, now faces three accusers who claim that Clash trolled gay phone chat lines to find underage teenagers to seduce at his home. And now you're asking yourself, "which gay phone chat lines, exactly, for research?" And also, "how can I tell my kids?"