Good day, subjects. Justin Bieber is the "Lead Investor" on a "teen-focused social network," and I am the Queen of France.

It’s been a hell of a week for Justin Bieber. First that Panamanian prostitute totally kissed, told, and then told some more about the “papacito’s” semen. And then Bieber got caught leaving a Brazilian brothel on Friday, only to be given away by that goddamn wrist tattoo. But things got worse at Saturday’s concert in Sao Paolo when the medium-sized dick turned into a huge dick when he was hit in the face with a water bottle.

It seems like Justin Bieber is extending his South American sex tour for a few more dates. Page Six has him leaving a brothel in Brazil.

Probably not. But the story that's running in the half-reputable Panamanian newspaper Cronicas is pretty amazing. According to a Panamanian prostitute, The Biebs rolled up on a Panama City nightclub at three A.M. earlier this week, leaving with ten women, including one who later claimed he was "un papacito" in bed.

So, what did you do this weekend? Catch up on some yardwork? Fix that stubborn garage door? That's nice. Justin Bieber spent his weekend dropping dollar after dollar at a Texas strip club "where girls do things that leave marks."

Professional problem child Justin Bieber has many tween girls willing to hand their bodies over to him at a moment's notice, but only one True Belieber was willing to transform his body for Bieber — and he's a 33-year-old man.

It seems Justin Bieber needs another whipping courtesy of Zach Galifianakis because it seems like that little punk hasn't learned anything. Anything.

In the latest installment of his long-running Funny or Die interview series Between Two Ferns, Zach Galifianakis sits down with Justin Bieber to finally ask him all the questions sycophantic entertainment reporters have refused to ask — and then spank him.

A man was sentenced to 14 years in prison after he was caught impersonating Justin Bieber on the web in order to convince teen girls to perform sex acts on camera.

Justin Bieber has something of a knack for rubbing objects on his junk.

Furious bean Justin Bieber was reportedly involved in a ridiculous brawl in the Hamptons over the weekend, and is now under a police investigation to determine whether he instructed his bodyguards to beat up a dummy who threw a small rock in his direction.

When the Associate Press called Justin Bieber's Tuesday night performance at Newark's Prudential Center "phoned in," they weren't kidding around.

Public urinator Justin Bieber took to his Twitter account yesterday evening to say he and Bill Clinton buried the hatchet after the pop singer was caught on tape dousing a photo of the former president with cleaning liquid and obscenities.

That Justin Bieber is a menace to society has been tangentially documented various times over the past few months: From his run-ins with the paps (some more literal than others), to his abandonment of an innocent monkey in a foreign land.

Justin Bieber's monkey, OG Mally, whose rejection by the pop singer and virtual exile to the depraved nation of Germany has captivated fans of both popular music and lesser primates, has begun to settle into his new adopted nation, perhaps finally ending a saga that has brought the watching world to a virtual stand-still.

Jimmy Kimmel sent his intrepid Lie Witness News crew to the streets outside the Staples Center where Justin Bieber was performing to see just how blindly his fans will follow him.

Justin Bieber lost his virginity over the weekend. Well, his "having bras thrown on stage" virginity, anyway.

OG Mally Bieber, the baby monkey who has been in jail so long he thinks "freedom" is a story made up by grown-ups to scare baby monkeys, will soon have a family of his own, the AP reports.

Taylor Swift may have swept the 2013 Billboard Music Awards with eight trophies and eight corresponding expressions of shock, but it was her backstage reaction to the sight of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez kissing that won the night.